Are we wrong for not inviting my MIL and SIL to our micro wedding ceremony?

Its just that OP said they were ‘paying for everything else’ which sounded like lots of expenditure.. so I wondered if it was a £300 pair of shoes and a £1000 frock, (or more, obviously), then not being able to ’afford’ the extra money to have more witnesses. If it is the case, then the priorities are wrong…

I think most people are responding as if you have a normal relationship with his mum/family
Obviously there are some strained dynamics and adverse childhood experiences going on with dh and his family.

Reddit r/justnomil and r/raisedbynarcissists are very good and can be helpful if any of that resonates with you and your dh.
You have unfortunately bombed the last of the goodwill remaining I imagine lol and hugely offended mil. You will no doubt be blamed even if fiance explains

All dh can do if he wants to salvage any relationship is he sends an apologetic text with the open invitation and don't grovel.it's done now! I imagine she will either 1. Ignore you and you will hear about how awful you are from other members of the family up to and including on your wedding day or 2. Turn up on wedding day and then hold it against you forever.

It is what it is, surely you have discussed the relationship between dh and his mum and estrangement etc prior to this? If not perhaps you need to explore that especially if you are going to have children...

To misquote Lady Rose from Downton abbey, 'this is where I become his wife'.
It's paperwork, yes, but the tiny register office ceremony is where you legally become each others next of kin. I think I'm old fashioned but to me, that is the most important part. The rest is a party.
Having a church blessing in two years time is an awfy long time to wait!

What’s that got to do with anything? So she can’t have a new outfit for her wedding and has to pay for a bigger room instead?

If course she was excluded intentionally. It was hardly an accident. You chose someone else instead of her, while including your own mother and sister. That's as intentional a snub as can possibly be imagined.

I would be devastated in her place, as would any other mother, I'm sure.

You walked right into this one.

I'm sorry - but reading vows at the reception is not the wedding - you know and your guests will know it. It will be just cringe-worthy.

The power imbalence seems a bit off between you. You suggested, he insisted, you acquiesced.

I suggest you both arrange to met with his Mum - apologise profusely with him doing the talking and you the nodding. Invite her in place of your sister.

And please be really clear as to who is signing the register, ie being the actual 'witnesses', as opposed to simply a guest. I know from personal experience this can cause big issues. I would further suggest you ask your mums to sign.

It sounds like your fiance needs to make the decision on whether or not he wants to be in contact with these people. Some people seem to get into this rut where they stay in contact but treat the person like shit because they hold a grudge and I don't think that does any good.

Micro wedding my arse - as Jim Royle would say.

YABU

It must be a very small room indeed. 🙄

So you can have two witnesses for £56, 3 guests for £86 but after that you have to pay for the £241 version?

Seems unlikely...... So you could have just added them on for the extra guest uplift.

@JanineR How much is your dress / shoes / outfit etc. costing?

OP, you are getting a really hard time on here, unfairly I think.

You offered to wait to have a bigger wedding. Your fiance did not want to.
You see the ceremony as just paperwork and the reception where you are going to read your vows.
Your fiance got to decide who to invite which was not his mother. You are being blamed for this, in his family and here.
His family is abusive or has been in the past.

So, firstly you need to set the record straight as does your DP. He needs to tell his family what his thinking was and if it comes up again, direct them to him. Lots of women get blamed for their husband or partners behaviour and often because their own families dont want to admit that they have done anything to cause them to be treated that way.

What is the price difference between the tiny room and the next smallest room? Only being allowed three people sounds incredibly odd to me. I have seen small venues but that sounds like a cupboard.

You invited your mum and sister, and he didn't invite his own mum, but did invite his aunt. How on earth did you not expect that to kick off? However, your future DH needs to explain it to her and tell her that it's his decision, not yours.

I say that as someone who had a very small wedding. We just invited our 2 DS as witnesses (early 20s) and no one else. But at least both families were treated the same and no one knew the wedding had taken place until over a year later apart from DH, me and our 2 DS. I'm not a big wedding fan but if my sons got married and my DILs mum and sister were there and I wasn't I'd be hurt. If they went ahead and did it with just themselves and 2 random witnesses, then I think it's understandable and ok.

You have my utmost sympathies OP because I have a situation where I have both (seperate) parents in my life but do not want to invite one to my registry office bit either. My parent would only see it as me being horrible and awful and not think in a million years 'hmm... this is quite significant, maybe i need to look at myself and ask why she would invite the other parent and not me' or 'im sad but so happy she wants to include me in the day at the meal'

(They are the type who will say 'do what you want!!' But what that actually means is 'as long as you invite me, because those are the societal 'rules' and even if you in no way wish to send a message by excluding me, or you just feel differently about having people at weddings than society demands you should, your intentions are no longer your own, and you will be labelled as rude and awful)

If this is truly your DP's choice and your future MIL really has excluded you from past events then I'd be inclined to agree with you and not invite her.

You shouldn't feel that you have to have her there, as someone that hasn't been very nice to you to the extent that you're now NC then she must have played her part in the outcome.

Either you or your DP need to have a word and tell her the reason behind your choice and hold fast, dont let her make out shes the victim in this.

Do make sure your DP is 100% with the decision though as you'll still have the reception to get through.

Also remember if you have DC they'll be family events for their milestones, what does the future look like for those.

Families are complicated but no one person has the right to dictate how the dynamics work then cause uproar when that same treatment is coming their way.

You say you didnt deliberately exclude MIL but you arranged things so she wasn’t invited to the ceremony and in doing so have caused huge hurt and offence. It’s not usual to invite the mum of one of the couple and the aunt of the other. Inviting no family at all would have been the only considerate option .
It may not be possible to come back from this except by grasping the nettle and saying you didnt want her there because you are angry at her past behaviour.
BTW I mean you plural OP - you and your partner are equally responsible for the decisions.

It's clear that your DH really doesn't want his mum to come due to abuse in the family before you met him and because of the way that his mum has treated you. It's a lot easier for your MIL to blame you rather than her own son or for her to accept that her behaviour towards you has caused this rift.

Oh @JanineR the reason she's / they're blaming you is because it's easier to blame you than their own child / sibling.
What a mess you've got.

Thanks @sittingonabeach

@JanineR So the future relationship with in laws has been completely ruined for approx £200?? couldn’t you have got people to chip in to top up the budget? Or to chip in for the meal afterwards? If it was my son i would be happy to contribute whatever I could…