Are we wrong for not inviting my MIL and SIL to our micro wedding ceremony?

What was the discussion with regards to who got 2 people and who got 1?

I don't think you can play naive, not inviting a mother to the legal part of a wedding is a very, very big deal.

Well, given that she wasn't invited in the first place, I don't blame her. To invite her sister, over her - that is a nasty nasty slap in the face - unless you're going to drip feed that his mother was abusive or neglectful.

Your partner's meanness - in money & invitations - is coming home to roost. I hope he realises what his frugality has cost him - a happy family, and a family who is happy for him.

And you are not uninvolved in this - why did you allow his meanness over the size of the bloody room & it's cost, to overshadow what should be a happy occasion?

So your entire immediate family will be there, but his immediate family wont be? I can see why they are miffed tbh, unless there is a strict restriction by the venue on numbers, why start off your married life with bad feelings to your new in-laws - what would be so awful about them being there that your husband-to-be is willing to irreparably damage his relationship with his sister and mum?

Why are people blaming op. When she's clearly stated it's her partners decision and his family have treated her badly in the past.

She didn't protect her son from her husband's abuse so she shouldn't be surprised that he isn't bothered about having her at his wedding ceremony. I'm assuming that the aunt that he did invite provided him with some love and support while the abuse was going on, so he feels closer to her than to his mother.

@marryescargatoire - I dont think it is fair that OP is bearing the brunt of this all. As for shock, I have been to a number of weddings in europe where the bit everyone was invited to was the bit that the bride and groom felt most important, but if you were nit picking you would say it was not the actual wedding. I find it odd that people get so focused on one aspect of things, rather than the bit that the bride and groom feel more important.

Yes there is some mixed messaging here. But that is OPs partners messaging, not hers. Its not her job to fix his family dynamics.

In that case YABU and of course she will feel upset.

I agree, I think you need to take some time and really try to get a good understanding of the dynamics here before you commit to this man. It all sounds very dysfunctional, I'm not trying to say that people with strained relationships with their parents can't make good partners. I do however think it's what I'd call an amber flag, something that you need to take the time to look into.

Yep …he should be handling and explaining this

I’m going to disagree with many here. But just because she is his mother doesn’t mean she has a right to be there.

she has made her choices that have led to the relationship with him not being good. His aunt, the person he obviously feels supported by, is who he wants to be there.

The size of the wedding is irrelevant. I have a feeling she’d have found a reason to blame you for something regardless.

I would follow your DHs wishes here. He’s the one who has grown up in this family. Be led by him. Big some sense of societal obligation.

I also think future DH has thrown you under a bus here. Are you absolutely sure he isn't playing you and future MIL off against each other?

I don't agree that's why OP is getting the reaction she is. There may be perfectly good reasons why he chose his aunt over his mother. The issue is the ridiculous notion that it's shocking his mother is upset about that.

She may be reaping what she sowed, but the clear outcome of choosing the aunt over the mother would be her being extremely upset and (if the type to do it) making a massive scene about it. Maybe he wants to be no contact with his mother, but this is a very high conflict way to achieve that. I don't understand why you'd do this unprepared and if you actually cared about her coming to the wedding meal. I can see the DP deciding he didn't want her at the ceremony because of history but that means he should be no contact and should not be using their wedding as the occasion he decides to make his point. If the ceremony really means nothing to him, then he should has chosen his mother to avoid the conflict around your wedding (and if I were you I wouldn't have accepted his choice of his aunt for that reason).

I got married in a Catholic church as I am Catholic however my husband is not Catholic and there was absolutely no issue with this. My husband did not need to get baptised.

I come from a family with DV etc..I wouldn’t do this to my Mum (she was cold and unloving because she was struggling to survive) and wonder what kind of person you are marrying that thinks making such a hurt filled decision is ok? Unless his aunt reared him I can’t see this as anything more than a slap in the face and your not noticing seems to show you are a good match. It’s a hurt that shows how his Mum is regarded and pretty unforgettable..I’d be horrified to have this unkindness attached to a day about love..the whole thing would feel tainted. Unless she is an absolute monster this is cruel ..but sadly already done.

If his mum put her partner before her son, especially when he was abusive towards him, sounds like he had a safe person in his auntie and so I can completely see why he'd prefer her there. He's happy with it, you're happy with it.
Ofcourse you'd want loving, supporting people to be the three guests, so that's what you have done.
Perhaps his mum should reflect a little on why it's this way but doesn't sound like she will. The auntie possibly seen the dynamics of how her nephew was brought up so is happy to continue being his support and loved one. I'd definitely step in for my nephew on that situation, if my sister/SIL wasn't happy, I'd be the first to tell her why her choices while raising him made it this way.

It is what it is, so long as your partner makes it clear that it was his decision and stands by you when his mum and sister kick off, what else can you do. Judging from your posts, it doesn't sound like there's much to gain from his side anyway so who cares what they think, he should handle their issues. Have a fab wedding day!

You keep saying that this was your fiancé’s decision but it wasn’t. It’s your wedding, therefore you jointly decided who to invite.

It’s a kick in the teeth to not only not invite his mother, but to invite an aunt who is either her sister or sister-in-law. If your fiancé is too thick to see this you should have pointed it out to him.

That said, it’s not fair that his family are blaming you. Your fiancé (who isn’t coming out of this at all well) really should clear this up.

S your DH didn't invite his mother or his sister? YABU. It looks very mean.

Or perhaps it is a reaction to years of mother not taking care of her son and allowing his step father to abuse him?

Its clear that a lot of people are reacting as if the family dynamics here are those of a happy healthy family. Its clear from OP posts that this is not the case, and MIL is reaping what she sowed over years.

We want to have a ceremony in a church in a couple years time when my fiancé is baptised which we would invite everybody to. Hence why this wedding is so tiny

What? You are getting married now, and after a few years of being married, will have another marriage ceremony in a church that you will invite people to? That’s bizarre. Another wedding 2 or 3 years later. Surely guests would think wtf to watch a married couple get married again 2 years later? I’d say I had something else on, and just go do my grocery shopping.

These threads are so weird to me. Sure, invite who you want etc etc, but can it really be a massive shock to anyone, that the groom’s mother is hurt at not being at the ceremony?

I think you were exceptionally naive not to have anticipated that she would be very upset. When it comes down to it, and you have the power to choose 3 people for something, and (as you acknowledge) you chose the three people you were closest to, she didn't make the cut. Of course she's extremely upset - any mother would be (actually and any father who was actually in their child's lives). To make it worse, you (plural) went for her sister over her, and then, your own sister.

Now it sounds like this was you DP's choice not yours and you suggested other options. The only part of this that is on you is your shock that's she's so upset - and I'm not sure I believe you. If you had genuinely thought the ceremony was nothing why did you pick your mum and sister? You could have chosen your next door neighbour and asked your mum and sister to be arranging things at the restaurant. When you raised extending to be able to have more people why were you having that conversation at all unless you were thinking it might be important to have more people in the room.

But this was your DH's choice not yours. Don't accept that you take the blame for this with his family and make sure that he tells his family that this was his choice not yours. He needs to decide whether to try to fix this, or to accept that the relationship with his mother (for both of you) is probably irretrievably broken.

We really don’t see the ceremony oat as the biggest part of the wedding, hence why we were so taken aback at the reaction...

and yet... you invited relatives you are closer to for the part that isn't important?

I think you sent out mixed messages here and, like a PP suggested, the invite list for the ceremony should have reflected the hierarchy of your day with strangers or functional witnesses at the ceremony and your nearest and dearest at the reception.

Still, it's also a pretty odd dynamic with your DH and the aunt. If I was the aunt, there is no way I would take the mother's place, invite or no, so I also think you should examine how your (future)* DH is dealing with this and why he is letting you take the blame.

*edited to add future... there's still time to run for the hills!

They're not invited to the bit where you actually get married.

Either your fiancé's parents have been awful to you so he's gone no-contact with them or you include them properly.

Your version is neither - is your fiancé actually happy with this?

Sorry. I missed a few pages, and I see it was entirely your fiancé's decision. Then he has to front up and make it absolutely clear that it was entirely his choice and he rejected your suggestions to resolve it.

As for inviting his aunt instead of his mum... That's just astonishingly cruel of him. I'm surprised that the aunt accepted the invitation, knowing that his mum, her own sister, had been rejected in her favour.

I would be interested in what the relationship is like between the mum and aunt Is the aunt the mum’s sister or a different branch of the family? I can’t imagine mum is too chuffed to be put aside for another relative, whatever reasons there may be for it. There will be (rightly or wrongly) a lot of hurt there.