Are we wrong for not inviting my MIL and SIL to our micro wedding ceremony?

I think I would ask your mum and his mum and aunt to keep the peace. Parents trump siblings in these situations.

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Really your fiancé should communicate with them clearly about why he made this decision. He is allowing you to take the flak for it and it’s very intentional and deliberate on his part. He has made a passive aggressive move designed to get back at his mother. He should talk to her properly. Have you considered writing to her to say that you are sorry she is upset but it was primarily her son’s decision and it would be best to talk to him about it.

Well, presumably the OP wouldn't have been allowing her child to be abused for years on end.

Unbelievable.

So you and your fiance invite your mum, but you and your fiance do not invite his mum…and you are wondering if you are unreasonable….

And you invite a different family member from his side.

This can't be real life.

His mother sounds like a nasty piece of work. Carry on as you both agreed and don't worry about it. It sounds as though preserving the relationship with the aunt will be better in the long run than preserving the relationship with the bio mother.

His mother is responsible for her own reaction to the situation. She can graciously show up at the reception as invited or she can cause a rift. Her choice.

At any rate it's for your partner to manage, not you.

It’s a shame she wasn’t upset when her son was being abused as a child. The woman sounds nasty, good on OPs Fiancé for not wanting the woman there! None of this is OPs fault, but as the woman she’s getting blamed.

Why are you blaming the op? Her fiancé didn't want his mum there. Why is that ops problem to solve.

It IS her fiances decision and she IS supporting him. Just being blamed for his decision making by his family which is not uncommon when there has been abuse and toxicity but the family takes no responsibility for their bad actions.

As for him 'allowing it' @ladykale , did you read the posts? He CHOSE it.

OP, its done now, you just have to live with it. He needs to be open with his family. And you will both have to live with the fallout of what happened so far. Sorry, it sounds tough for you. IME, lots of men dont stand up to their families until they have a gf or wife - but then it is easy for the family to blame her for the new dynamics.

If she’s not talking to you it sounds she’s not coming to the reception either? Is his sister still doing that part?

How would you feel if in 25 years time your own child didn’t invite you to his or her wedding but his or her MIL was invited?

I seriously don't understand why everyone is blaming the op. She has repeatedly said it was her fiancé's choice to not have his mother at the ceremony and he doesn't want to wait to afford the bigger room.
I would just get on with it op and it might make his mother reflect on her actions.
Good luck and I hope you have a lovely day despite your in laws actions.

Of course she is upset about not being invited to her son's wedding.

It's the OP as well. You can't simultaneously say you're surprised the MIL is upset, that you didn't think the ceremony mattered and that you didn't even think to invite the MIL and also say you seriously raised the issues of waiting a month for to be able to have a bigger room, and to take both invites for the two family members closest to you. I think OP knew the mother would be upset, just underestimated how upset.

It's also obviously not a situation where the mother has been so horrifically abusive long term that they are happy to not even care about her feelings or that the DP actively doesn't want her there - once the MIL got upset they were rolling to try to rearrange things so she could get there.

The whole thing is completely dysfunctional. I'm not particularly close to my family (not because of anything they've done but just because of how we are as a family) but I still made sure that they were on equal footing with DH's family at our wedding. I actually regret not having a friend rather than my sister as MOH because it did upset my sister a bit to have a friend chosen above her, and I genuinely didn't realise it would. If I had even thought it was a possibility, I would have chosen my sister as MOH because it's just a title that means nothing and my friend wouldn't have been upset (or if she was I could have just said I needed to choose my sister as immediate family).

Who does your soon to be husband want to invite to his wedding?

I wasn’t invited to my mum’s wedding (but friends and neighbours were) and yes, it hurt because we were close back then (or so I thought).

If I had my wedding to do over again now, my mum and her partner wouldn’t be invited as we are NC. This would have nothing to do with Dh or who we invited from his side. It would be totally down to me not wanting them to be there. This should be your fiancé’s decision and you should support him either way.

Of course it’s horrific to have your mum there but not his mum.

honestly some men have no back bone.

awful for him to have allowed that!

It sounds as if your fiancé has taken this as an opportunity to get back at his mother because of resentment he feels towards her. What is her relationship with the aunt who is invited like?

It looks like you're trying to make a point- something along the lines of you blame his DM for not including you, so now you're not including her with your your faux innocence "why would she be top of mind when she has ignored me"

Has he told them it's not your fault? He needs to tell his DM he chose his aunt over her.

But I don't understand why you keep saying that you're not close to his DM.so they weren't top of mind to you?.
Because if it was his choice, it doesn't matter who was top of mind to you.

But also- even if you didn't know his DM, you are aware he has a DM so thie whole "they weren't top of mind" thing doesn't really make much sense.
Because as I said at the beginning, I suspect that's not truth.

If you’re inviting your parentb, it seems unkind not to invite his.

I’ve said YANBU giving birth to someone dose not give them automatic right to be prioritised for life events like weddings. Just because your mum and sister are there also dosnt mean his sister and mum should automatically be there.

You have a cap on the number of people your allowed, you choose your side and he chose his. Fuck what his family say, if they come at you direct them to the man that made the decision and walk away.

i was railroaded into having a bigger wedding the first time I was married, it was supposed to be no more than 10 people, we had best man, maid of honour, in-laws & exs 3 siblings and DSD that was 8 people, I had 2 friends but exs aunt kicked off she was being pushed out in favour of my friends, I literally had 3 people because my family lived overseas. Anyway it was a shit show, the aunt worked high up in the LA and pulled strings to get us a bigger room, we ended up with 50 people and were then expected to feed them all. Our original plan was a pub meal then a small reception at a local sports club. I was extremely intimidated by his family, all bullies but hadn’t got the courage up to tell them to fuck off so I kept quiet and took the stick. That would not happen now.

so then you wouldn'T make them feel unwelcome and left out at Christmas then would you, unlike OPs MIL