Are we wrong for not inviting my MIL and SIL to our micro wedding ceremony?

Yabu.

This situation was entirely predictable and the fallout won't be repairable. You both made this decision knowing what would happen. It's cruel. If you want to cut contact with her at least be upfront about it.

I'd usually think it's completely up to bride and groom who attends. Not inviting grooms mother and sister is brutal though, especially when brides mum and sister are attending. I think any mum would be extremely upset at this. Anyone that would do it to a mum without very good reason isn't a nice person.

You are wrong. The op said that they diidn't mean to exclude her it just happened.

Oh dear. Alright have your excluding war on MIL but remember that feelings do count and actions have consequences.

This thread is giving me a headache

The wedding invitation that his mother didn't get because she was abusive. You can't put the abuse down to 'every other single thing in life' when it is one of the actual reasons that she wasn't invited 🙄

You literally said that the OP was unreasonable due to the "lifelong upset" that would be caused to her abusive mother in law because she was not invited by the son that she abused to his wedding, despite her doing more than she ever should have to try and facilitate her attendance.

It is terrible to exclude your MIL.

Ok but:

The OP said that the decision was made based on cost (saving c. £160)
The mother is still invited to the other parts of the wedding
The sister is also excluded despite not being part of the abuse

I seriously don't understand why everyone is blaming the op. She has repeatedly said it was her fiancé's choice to not have his mother at the ceremony ...

People don't read the updates, @lazyarse123, and just stick the boot in on the basis of half a story - though admittedly the fact his mother allowed him to be abused to the point he moved to live with his aunt would have been a useful thing to put in the OP

Are you sure you want to build any kind of relationship with this woman, @JanineR? Because personally I'd be backing your OH's decision, and wouldn't really care if they tried to blame me for upsetting their happy family fantasy

Did you even read the OP's posts about the DP choosing who was invited? And about his mother not protecting him from abuse, while his auntie did?

You lost the argument the moment you stooped to personal insults. As you are well aware the 'no right or wrong' statement referred to wedding invitations, not every other single thing in life. The op asked for views and that's mine.

Not read all the posts OP but I think it’s absolutely horrible and I don’t buy the “we didn’t deliberately exclude them”. Of course you did- you have the autonomy over who is invited and included in your wedding and you’ve both chosen that they aren’t.
I have no idea how you mend the rupture to be honest, but I am not in the least surprised that your MIL and SIL feel hurt- and I’m sure you can’t be surprised either?

They should be invited to everything

Not sure why your DM and DS are more important than his and that is what this boils down to. It is appalling to exclude 2 of his closest family members from a really important event in his life whatever you think of them. You come across as a complete control freak.

@OP You've excluded MIL & SIL fine. Do you plan to have dc? how do you see the family relationships in your future dc's lives? have you made peace with them not having a grandparent on their dad's side nor aunt? if you've made peace with all this then that's fine. Out of interest, who is the member of dh's family that you did invite?

I think this is awful. Why would your fiancé do that to his mum and sister?

Exactly.

I feel as though the people berating OP are reading a completely different thread. She's done nothing wrong.

that said, I would not be marrying into this strife. DP may be a great guy, but I would not sign up for decades of drama, alienation, strops, walking on eggshells, etc.

"there is no right or wrong" - is abusing children not wrong now?

I'm sure you won't be excluded from your son's wedding if you:

a) don't allow him to be abused
b) don't treat his fiancé like crap
c) don't blame his fiancé for his decisions

However, given your response that the OP is somehow unreasonable, then I don't hold much hope for you managing to achieve b) and c)

I agree that in these circumstances I would have expected them to be nc already.

'let him?' really? It is not the OPs job to stop him inviting who the hell he wants to his own wedding - he is not a child!

I'm adding people who infantilise men to the misogyny and abuse apologists that are running through this thread!

YABU with all your faux innocence "I never gave it much thought..." stuff.

Not inviting one's own mother is (as the first reply said) a bold choice.
Now, it might well be the right choice for your dp. Your drip feeds paint a different picture. But in that case he needs to own that choice.

You pretending you never gave it much thought is ridiculous.

there is no right or wrong but yes you are being unreasonable and will cause lifelong upset. I can't imagine being excluded from my son's wedding. How mean.

The bloody misogyny and child abuse apologists on this thread is astounding!

I'd let this go actually. Its not your problem to fix. Your fiance sufered the abuse from, it sounds like his stepfather and his mother. He doesn't want her at the wedding ceremony so that's tough for her. None of your business. If he doesn't want a relationship with her or a low contact one it's not your problem to fix. If they blame you, so what? You and your fiance know the reasons. You dont get to be a shit parent, dump all the responsibility onto your sister ( i presume) and bitch about your sons choice of wife when your own poor choice of partner caused the problems in the first place with no consequences.

@Mapletree1985 and @housethatbuiltme

Have you even bothered to read all of the OPs posts? His mother was abusive to him and he was the one who didn't want them there. The OP has done everything she can to try and facilitate her mother in law being able to attend!