To think family members should turn up before guests at a funeral?

I will not be comforted by this if my mum dies before me. I have nightmares about people from a club she helps with saying how fab she is and me having to bite my tongue. I will be employing a friend/my husband to intercept people.

The reason I say if she dies before me is because that's what she says. Which in itself is a bloody odd thing to say to your daughter.

Let people behave however they wish. Maybe they can’t cope with the social aspect of it all. The worst part is when people come over and say how wonderful the deceased was, it sets you off all over again. Let them sit at the table and have a drink.

It was THEIR Dad, not yours, back off.

I think this is possibly the most judgemental, knicker hoisting post I've ever read on here in a strong field.

I've never been to a funeral (and I've been to lots) where the family aren't last to arrive, following the coffin, so I have suspicions this is rage bait. If it isn't, the problem is you OP.

Also I don’t cry at funerals because I completely and utterly shut down. I don’t like having to show emotion in front of 100s of people, no doubt of who I don’t even like or want to speak to. I very much doubt I’m alone here!

so there you go.

You acted like a dick.

I've been to a LOT of funerals.

At the crem, due to the fact there is one funeral after another, friends gather outside, and family arrive with the coffin. When the chapel is empty from the previous funeral, the undertaker indicates it is time and the coffin is taken in, followed by immediate family then the friends follow in after that.

Where there is a separate Church service, friends (+ colleagues, neighbours etc) tend to go into the Church leaving the front couple of rows for family. Family then arrive with the coffin and follow the coffin in to Church.

So, in neither scenario do the family arrive early and 'welcome people' IME.

I mean, where they are able, it is common practice to try to speak to people afterwards and thank people for coming, but it DEFINITELY isn't the place of anyone to go and tell them off, or criticise them in any way

What is the matter with you ?

I hate funerals so much. But I’ve had more than my fair share of family funerals. I hate having to publicly be expected to show grief, I hate having to talk to anyone when a loved one has died, I hate having to hang around and thank people for coming. I absolutely hate wakes and pretending to be ok while everyone reminisces and makes false promises to keep in touch. I also hate paopke who go to funerals for fun and judge everyone else there, which OP you sound very much like.

if these people appeared “late” and exited “early” they probably did it for all those reasons and you’re questioning was well below par.

not everyone enjoys being the centre of grieving attention.

YABVU.

Are you sure its not you who doesn't know funeral etiquette OP?

They dashed into the chapel at 5minute past one - they had to delay bringing in the coffin to wait for them. They they were the first out at the end of the service and huddled in a corner together not talking to any of the invited guests

I expected "dashed" is subjective but apart from that it's all as it should be. Family take their seats first, coffin follows (sometimes family follow coffin, but the funeral director advised against that for us, as it means everyone's craning round to "see". Chief mourners lead the way out of the service and at the reception, its the other mourners who approach to offer condolences, not the other way around.

you aren't a guest. they're not hosting anyone. Its a funeral, and a wake.. and any wake, you show up, eat the food, drink the drinks, chat to other people, remember the dead, and leave. At no point are the grieving family responsible for 'hosting' you. At best they're trying to avoid flying to bits and breaking down in public/keeping a brave face on it.. it is NOT their job to 'mingle' or entertain people like you, or anyone for that matter.

My dads funeral was hell. i felt like i was in a glass box being stared at the whole time, i remember very little of it, my brains tried to wipe it, but i remember how horrible it was.. thinking any of my dads friends who attended might have secretly been judging my behaviour disgusts me.

You were incredibly rude. Not sure who the hell you think you are, but judging how the immediate family behave, grieve, and choose to attend (or not) their fathers funeral is the epitome of bad manners.

Total main character vibe from the OP.

I managed to talk to one of them and said ‘I’m so sorry etc and politely asked if they had hit traffic and how stressed they must’ve been trying to get to the service

You were unbelievably rude to them.
You should have kept your mouth shut.

You have no idea what their relationship with their father was like. You have no idea how they were feeling on the day. Maybe it was all too much and they didn't feel up to socializing with various guests and it was easier for them to stay within their small family circle.

"They didn't look particularly upset". How the fuck do you know how upset they were feeling inside? Perhaps they had taken some medication before the service to help them get through it (I know a couple of people who were so distressed at the thought of attending their parents' funeral that they went to the GP for help to make the day easier).
And even if they weren't upset, that's none of your business. Could have been a difficult relationship. Could have been a long drawn out dying process where the feeling was of relief once it was over. Could have been a sudden death and they are still in shock.

I’ve never attended a funeral and had any expectations of the bereaved what so ever. It’s often one of the worst days of their life seeing their loved one arriving in a coffin and being taken away for cremation or buried in the ground. If anything, it should be about providing support and care for them at a traumatic time. The idea of judging someone for not ‘mingling’ is completely absurd to me.

You just dont know the full story.

At my Mums funeral the celebrant was late! I had literally just looked at Mums coffin as the funeral directors said they couldnt wait any longer and had to start - so I said to myself...right Mum, big girls pants on, Ill do it! Luckily as Id written it in collaboration with her best friend I knew it all well.

....and then the celebrant ran around the corner!

Ive known her for years so knew there had to have been a big issue. There was her car had broken down. So...unless you know, just assume it was something they couldnt have helped.

God social obligations...some people really do hold stock in conforming to these expectations. Even funerals are an opportunity to judge and disapprove.

So judge. So disapprove.
It doesn't matter.

I mean, it's not like she berated them - she asked them if they'd got stuck in traffic, she heard their answer, she moved on. She's now come to an anonymous forum to ask if this is normal or if she's being unreasonable in thinking those two sisters could have been more gracious to the people who turned up to their father's funeral. I don't see any major crimes in any of this. I would have had the same thoughts (probably wouldn't have bothered coming to MN about it though). It's not a big deal.

To my mind, it's exactly like a wedding: people have turned up to watch you wed, share in your joy, celebrate your future. The least you can do is thank them for coming even if your head is spinning with the admin and people pulling you in a million different directions and trying to actually enjoy your day.

I can't believe you brought their arrival time up with them. Could you not control yourself?

Imagine someone quizzing you about traffic at your parents funeral.
Bet you were as subtle as a sledgehammer.

They knew what it was for them. What a random friend like the OP knows is irrelevant.

Meh, I agree with you OP BUT people often don't know how to behave at funerals. It's quite normal to get into your 40s and 50s and never have attended a funeral. And, people don't know whether they're social events or solemn quiet events. You know, these two daughters didn't.

I think it's fair to assume that your friend knew his daughters better than you did, and also that his daughters knew him better than you did.

It's not your job to police their family relationships, particularly after he's gone.

Ouch, I bet he felt awful, but nothing he could do. Same with the bin men. They did lower their heads at us while stopping for each bin which was nice, but we were all giggling. Even DP's dad cracked at about the third bin stop. It really helped, actually.

AIBU or were they incredibly rude and disrespectful to their father?

You know what I think is incredibly rude and disrespectful? Turning up to someone's funeral and then bitching and sneering about his grieving daughters for not being sufficiently performative for you.

You felt 'embarrassed for your friend' because you think he wouldn't have liked it? How the hell do you imagine you know him better than his own children? And don't you think he would be 'embarrassed' if he knew his supposed dear friend was all over a public internet forum slagging off his grieving daughters? Because that's not what I'd want from any 'dear friend' of mine.

Seriously. This is one of the most obnoxious posts I've seen on here in a long time. Honestly, it's repellent.

FWIW, my dad died last month. We didn't even hold a funeral - he didn't want one. I also 'wouldn't seem particularly upset' to anyone who saw me in public. That doesn't mean I'm not absolutely fucking devastated. It means I do my visible grieving in private instead of feeling like I have to put on a show for judgemental onlookers like you.

They will have had their reasons. Your friend probably didn’t deserve the respect of his daughters. He might have been a great friend, but that doesn’t mean he was a great father.

We had a guy in a BMW pull out between the hearse and the mourner’s car. No way for him to turn off for about three miles. We were in stitches.

Did you not like them before this?