To think family members should turn up before guests at a funeral?

People grief in different ways.

However all the funerals I’ve been to the family arrive with the deceased and the church or chapel is full of guests.

I think the term wake has evolved and is used to describe the event after the funeral. I understand that it doesn't make sense semantically but that's not how lexicology works.

I have learned something today - thank you, @HoppityBun. I assumed that the get-together after the funeral was the wake, but clearly not.

Funnily enough, dh and I were talking about funerals today (his dad is not at all well) and I couldn’t bring the word ‘wake’ to mind, and ended up calling it the ‘After party’ - which I knew was wrong! 😬

What should it be called, please - and I will try to commit it to my (unreliable) memory.

You've been very judgmental.

Funerals very rarely bring out anyone's best sides, and even then, so what?

As a guest, it's your role to be as kind and supportive as you can be. Going up to them and giving a veiled accusation of being late, then judging them for keeping themselves to themselves at the wake, isn't part of your job description.

Your job is to attend, dress appropriately, remember your friend, sing heartily if there's any hymns, give a robust "Amen" at any prayers (even if you don't believe), offer your condolences to the family, have your share of the food and drink, spend some time politely looking at any photos or mementos that might have been laid out, offer your condolences once more, then politely take your leave.

Save any gossiping about the family members for a more private space.

I agree that close family usually arrive last because they have been in the cars following the hearse. Most funerals I have been at though the other guests wait outside and follow the family and coffin inside.

I do actually agree with the OP about it being a poor show from the other DDs not making any effort to mingle. I assume that they have not been to many funerals and didn't realise it was expected.

At my DMs funeral my sisters and I stood outside to have a few words with everyone as they left to thank them for coming and make sure they knew they were invited to the refreshments afterwards. Then during the wake we all mingled, I made sure I worked my way round most of the tables to chat to everyone. I am not a wildly sociable person normally but there are things you just have to do. DD and the DNs were all young adults so they were there and we thought likely to feel like spare parts so we asked them if they would take charge of providing teas and coffees and they were relieved I think to have a role.

It’s not hard? What a bizarre comment.

I've never heard the funeral tea after the service called anything other than a wake.

With all due respect it may not be hard for you but you don’t get to say that for others. It absolutely was hard for me and again I make no apologies for it. I was there to mourn my son not to host others. If others like yourself are able to do that then fine. But it is absolutely not ok to judge others just because you personally didn’t find it hard.

Did the family spoil the party for you?!

I agree @Nannyfannybanny and it drives me up the Pedants wall when people called the funeral baked meats event a wake: it makes no sense to call something a wake after the funeral. But I fear that ship has sailed

It's giving Main Character Syndrome.

How on earth can anyone critique people who have lost their father based on their “hosting” how visibly upset they are?

You think they were “rude” and made no effort to “mingle” and so were “disrespectful” to their dead father? Perhaps if they or he knew your thoughts they might think you self-obsessed, judgemental, shallow and unpleasant.

I managed to talk to one of them and said ‘I’m so sorry etc and politely asked if they had hit traffic and how stressed they must’ve been trying to get to the service - they looked a bit non plused and said they weren’t stressed and arrived exactly as planned

I actually can't believe you did that! How rude and insensitive of you.

OP is the traffic bad and preventing you replying?

Very rude of the OP not to properly host this thread and return to address her guests’ comments…

None of this ia your business, best i leave it there

you are being very judgemental. It’s one of the hardest things to get through and you just do whatever you can. I turned on the full hostess charm and delivered the eulogy (s almost like it was a work event)) as a coping mechanism because otherwise the sadness and the fact I had the responsibility supporting my dad and my children too would have over whelmed me. I can’t imagine how I would have felt it people were commenting that I wasn’t sad enough if I was doing that.

Where I live the coffin is already in the church. A couple of family members greet people at the door then the undertaker brings the immediate family in just before the service starts.

Who are you to judge? How can you tell how upset they were? Not everyone weeps and wails whilst mingling with guests. The whole thing is traumatic and people act differently. Mind your own business, you are not even related.

The nerve of you

Well quite.

Its irrelevant whether they were delayed or had intentionally arrived at a time when they wouldn’t have to deal with self absorbed people like the OP just before an important moment which can be very difficult.

I was late for my F's funeral, the M4 was shut. I don't remember having much control over the low-loader that hit the central reservation !

It was quite distressing enough without worrying about the judgement of others.

Well I can certainly understand why the OP created a new username for this thread and hasn’t returned to it. They must have known the likely response.

This is really poor taste. Let people grieve in their own way. Imagine judging someone at their father’s funeral and then putting it on a discussion forum to be picked apart. Is this a real post?

We all arrived with my Dad - I think that’s quite common and left straight after for a private burial , my mum couldn’t face lining up to meet a church full of people but we saw most people afterwards at his wake. If I had chosen to sit at the wake with my brother and not speak to anyone I don’t think anyone would have commented - or if they had I’d have thought less of them. Shame on you