DP upset with me after I made a comment about money - AIBU

When I met DH, I was recently divorced, working, renting in the town we lived, owned a flat elsewhere that I let out but had a mortgage on, and I was running a car. My monthly income just about covered all my basic outgoings, so I paid my bills and I wasn't overdrawn - as long as nothing unexpected happened and I didn't eat.

DH (obviously he was only DP at the point) often paid for my weekly food shop to ensure I did eat properly. I never asked to borrow money, but he knew things were very tight for me at that stage in my life, but he also knew I didn't like it, and was taking steps to sort it out.

So on the one hand I can see how a working adult can have no money.

But the red flag to me is that he is very unbothered by it.

Please think long and hard about this relationship.

You were definitely not being unreasonable.

Maybe stop lending him money. I know that might feel harsh but while he knows he has a safety net he's not motivated to change how he handles money.

He must be in dire financial straits if he has no shame in borrowing money from his girlfriend. I suspect there is more to it and he has hidden debts or is gambling.

Do not live with him or marry him unless you want your finances drained.

My ex was like this. It was awful once we joined money as he would spend it all and I’d have that dread when I went to the cash point (20+ years ago) of not knowing if we had any money. Also so many overdraft fines because there wouldn’t be enough in for the direct debits. Plus he would borrow off his parents and then they would expect to be paid back. Honestly it was exhausting.

Don't lend him money again.

My parents taught me to never lend money, give it freely or don’t give it at all. Lending is a recipe for disaster.

Ugh. If a tenner is nothing, why is he borrowing £20 eh?

This would seriously put me off the guy. He earns well and has no savings… you don’t say…

Someone who borrowed money from me and was then so blasé about wasting it would not be in my social circle for very long.

This with bells on. My first husband was a bit useless with money but I loved him so I made excuses for it. Stupid , stupid thing to do. We got married and got older and had children. His stupidity with money became a massive problem because we had just enough to pay for everything so any stupid behaviour meant we were short. We had bailiffs knocking at the door. He was given a Christmas bonus of £200 by work for Christmas 1994. That was a very nice treat in 1994. He bought a round of drinks for 25 people in the pub ( they'd all got the bloody bonus too so why he thought it was his job to pay I'll never know). He was stopped for speeding on the way home ( because he was hours later than he said he'd be) and he got an instant fine of £65 . So most of the bonus was gone by the time he got home . It just went on and on. I'd scrimp and save to pay the next quarterly bills and he'd take the building society book and buy a motorbike that was in pieces that he was going to rebuild and sell ( never happened). It became wearing and exhausting waiting to be hit with the next twatty thing he'd done with money that meant we couldn't do a family thing or sort something necessary out because the money had been frittered on something so crap he couldn't even remember what it was . They don't change Op. They don't get better . My maternity pay didn't go on things for our baby it was spent paying off his credit card debts because he'd run them up to an unmanageable level. He was a dick. Don't be me. Drop him before he fucks up your life

Honestly @greyleopards it may ‘only’ be £20 but his attitude sucks. To not try to recoup some money in a loss-making situation like not being able to return something is lazy and shows a lack of respect.

He's very careless with money, that's why he runs out.
lending him money is enabling him. Let him go without and refuse any more loans. He'll have to learn to budget.

My husband is a bit like that. His money just seems to trickle away and he has nothing to show for it. He wastes lots of small amounts, forgets to cancel subscriptions, can't be bothered to return things. He never asked to borrow from me though and doesn't sulk and strop when I point things out. We have semi separate finances because our spending attitudes are so different. (I know the one pot brigade on mumsnet hate this approach but seriously I think we'd be divorced by now and this actually works for us.) He is a lot better than he used to be. He occasionally makes comments like how "lucky" I am to have more than him in my pension and savings but soon shuts up when I give him a withering look!

I would think twice about further commitment to this man. His sulky attitude indicates that he has no intention of changing and thinks you should just fall in line. Imagine having kids with him! You'll be rushing back to work after mat leave as there will be no money otherwise. You'll have to have secret savings to budget for school uniform and holidays ... Do you really want to live like that?

How embarrasing for a grown up adult male to ask to borrow £20 off his single parent girlfriend 😂

How old is he and what do you call a decent wage.

Something is really badly wrong if he can't just put 20 quid on a credit card, it implies that his credit is so bad that nobody will lend him the price of lunch!

You'd be insane to live with this person.

Most people budget for unexpected expenses. This is why we put money away in our savings. He's bad with money. He spends what he has without planning ahead. If he's borrowing from you, he could well be borrowing from others. Does he have a credit card?

I would not live with a man who cannot budget. Massive red flag.

This is why he’s got no money. He buys without enough care, fails to return for a refund, and can’t be bothered to sell.

The old saying, take care of the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves is relevant here!

Get your money back and dump him.

No you weren't, but why are you with this absolute loser?

Running out of money to the extent you can't access £30 is dire. What's attractive about him?

Also what do you mean you don't share finances "yet". You're considering merging your finances with someone who regularly is on his absolute arse?

Are you mad!

Cast this one back!

Tbh the "now he's not talking to me" is as much of a red flag to me as being crap with money. How childish. If you upset him he should have explained why, not just sulked (because he knows you're right)

I'd expect anyone single and earning decent money to never need to borrow 20. At the very least, I'd expect them to have a credit card to deal with a temporary cash flow situation.

… we don’t live together or share finances yet

I strongly suggest you keep it this way. This man is not marriage or even living-together material.

Never hitch your wagon to someone who doesn’t share your attitude to money and financial management. And stop lending him money - at some point he’ll stop playing you back….. because ”it’s only £10…20…50…”.

Quite!

Bad with money and grumpy. He’s not much of a catch.

@greyleopards
I think that a single man, in work , who isn’t supporting others, shouldn’t need to borrow £20.

Don't ever move in with him.