If you ask your DH/DP to stop doing something, do they?

IHate · 2025-10-16T20:20:13+00:00

Not the big stuff, just the everyday “please don’t do X, it’s annoying” category of domestic crimes. A friend was recently ranting about her husband using her very expensive face cream. Abandoning his usual pleasant and reasonable persona, he apparently goes in like a man digging trenches, scoops out half the pot, and leaves the lid off so it congeals into some sort of luxury spackle. I said, “Have you asked him to stop?” and she looked at me as though I’d proposed witchcraft. Then she said, quite seriously, “That wouldn’t work.” In our house, if one of us does something the other dislikes, we say so, the offender stops, and life goes on. But it seems this is not how all relationships operate. So: YABU: I wouldn’t ask and/or they wouldn’t stop if I did YANBU: It really isn’t that complicated

Original poster

IHate · 18/10/2025 13:59

OSTMusTisNT · 18/10/2025 00:50

My DH has this weird habit of questioning my choices.

E.g - If I decide to have cheddar cheese on a sandwich, he'll say, oh i thought you would be having the Edam we bought yesterday.

If I'm crafting and e.g pick up my crochet shawl to work on he'll say something like oh, are you never going to finish that jumper you're knitting.

It was driving me mad, like whatever insignificant decision I made that didnt affect him in the slightest, he questioned it. It was never important stuff though.

I had to point it out to him as it was driving me a bit mad.

And did he stop?

OP posts:

Original poster

IHate · 18/10/2025 13:59

saffy2 · 17/10/2025 20:02

My partner tries to stop. And it’s often not enough and causes an argument, but he does try. And I can tell he tries. Or he doesn’t for a while and then forgets and goes back to his easier way of doing it.
for example, leaving washing on the floor, or glasses around the house, or he likes to keep a toilet roll around the house to blow his nose. I hate all these things and it irritates me, I ask him to stop frequently and he does try to. But often he reverts back, so then I ask again. So I hear what you’re saying, but equally it’s not as simple in my house and just saying please don’t do that. 😂 but not out of malice or anything horrible. Just general laziness or forgetfulness.

leaving washing on the floor, or glasses around the house, or he likes to keep a toilet roll around the house to blow his nose.

Is he leaving used bits of loo paper around after he’s blown his nose? Or am I misunderstanding? 🙁

OP posts:

Original poster

IHate · 18/10/2025 13:53

CarpetKnees · 17/10/2025 00:33

Kind of depends on the 'thing'.

There are some things we do different ways and I find it annoying when he does something one way but he finds it annoying that I do it my way. In those circumstances, no he wouldn't and neither would I, because we both think our way is best. Just because his way annoys me, doesn't mean I'm right anymore than me doing something that annoys him doesn't make him right.

In your example about the face cream, that wouldn't happen because we respect each other's things and wouldn't use something that wasn't ours in the first place. I'm talking more about things like dish washer loading or pegging clothes out on the line or not putting fresh water in the kettle when you've emptied it, or not switching things off in the car before leaving it, type things where we just do things differently.

Agreed. I don’t like how DH chops onions (a deeply petty example, I’m aware), but I wouldn’t insist he do it ‘my way’. As, despite my unshakeable belief that my way is superior, it’s a matter of opinion.

As opposed to ‘stop eating all the snacks and leaving none for anyone else’ (to use a common MN example).

OP posts:

Original poster

IHate · 18/10/2025 13:50

Mandylovescandy · 16/10/2025 22:21

I think it depends what it is - not using someone else's stuff seems easy to achieve. The myriad of specific ways that my DP likes things to be done I try my best but sometimes I don't have the time or I forget because I have a different way of doing things/don't particularly care because somehow despite my 'terrible' way of loading the dishwasher it still manages to clean stuff

I think that’s fair enough.

OP posts:

Original poster

IHate · 18/10/2025 13:45

Blarn · 16/10/2025 21:30

Yes, unless it's putting the sharp knives sharp blade side up on the draining board. That for some reason he simply will not stop doing.

I don’t know why, but this made me laugh so much. 🤣

OP posts:

iamthehotstepper · 18/10/2025 12:49

saffy2 · 17/10/2025 20:02

My partner tries to stop. And it’s often not enough and causes an argument, but he does try. And I can tell he tries. Or he doesn’t for a while and then forgets and goes back to his easier way of doing it.
for example, leaving washing on the floor, or glasses around the house, or he likes to keep a toilet roll around the house to blow his nose. I hate all these things and it irritates me, I ask him to stop frequently and he does try to. But often he reverts back, so then I ask again. So I hear what you’re saying, but equally it’s not as simple in my house and just saying please don’t do that. 😂 but not out of malice or anything horrible. Just general laziness or forgetfulness.

Very similar here. Any pointing out of annoying habits like leaving socks on the floor, toilet seat up, all the classic stuff, gets met with a defensive 'well you do X and that annoys me but I never moan about it', a token effort for a few days with accompanied huffing then revert to just continuing to do whatever it is. We've 5 mins ago had a conversation that went:

Me: this bathroom wall is covered in water marks (it really is, like a huge shaggy dog has been shaking itself in there daily, hes the only one that showers in there), if i paint it can you be more careful when you get out of the shower please

DH: no, I can't be held responsible for where water goes when I get out of the shower, that's just ridiculous

If I dare to take it further I'll get 'why are you always looking for an argument, its something I can't help etc etc'. Nothing is ever his fault.

Cathartic writing that down!!

PennywisePoundFoolish · 18/10/2025 07:38

Whyareyouspoilingthisfunsuckers · 17/10/2025 22:52

I love this! I'm going to do the same. My dh is a petty at times. He rearranges the washing after I've hung it on the airer ir the radiator or sometimes as I'm doing it! Seriously! What man does that? Are any usually that bothered??!! Think he'll be taking a few more jobs over than he thought he would. Excellent.😅🤣😂

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My husband also re-pegs and rearranges washing! We should set them up 😭😂

Soppydawg · 18/10/2025 01:53

Cookieandcandy · 16/10/2025 21:24

My OH would stop if I asked him. Couldn’t live with someone who didn’t care that they were upsetting me.

you mean they wouldn’t say ‘no , you’re always telling me what to do, I’m not having it’ ??
Mine would , yes he surprises me with his responses sometimes too!

OSTMusTisNT · 18/10/2025 00:50

My DH has this weird habit of questioning my choices.

E.g - If I decide to have cheddar cheese on a sandwich, he'll say, oh i thought you would be having the Edam we bought yesterday.

If I'm crafting and e.g pick up my crochet shawl to work on he'll say something like oh, are you never going to finish that jumper you're knitting.

It was driving me mad, like whatever insignificant decision I made that didnt affect him in the slightest, he questioned it. It was never important stuff though.

I had to point it out to him as it was driving me a bit mad.

horseplay12 · 18/10/2025 00:42

As much as I do if DH asks me to stop doing something - I would try my best when I remembered but occasionally it is outside my mind.

JudgeBread · 18/10/2025 00:41

Yeah he stops, he wants peace and harmony in his home and I am neither peaceful nor harmonious when I'm pissed off by some trifling annoyance.

I do the same for him too so it balances out.

Barnum · 18/10/2025 00:28

My husband may or may not stop doing things I ask him not to . For example, after I have gone to bed at night ( quite late - usually after 11.30pm) he will make himself sandwiches, or eat cake or crisps. Next morning we wake up to no bread, no crisps etc. Totally unnecessary . He’ll also eat ‘more than his share’ of something, eg if a six pack of crisps will eat 4 packs and then claim no one else was eating them - mainly because they don’t get a chance to!

If I buy myself a pack of sweets & don’t finish it then he often will. If I leave anything in the car - sweets, gum, loose change - he’ll use it . He will also continue to use my things like shampoo, body/ face wash and even perfume. I like quite neutral, almost masculine scents which means he will sometimes use them too I’ve discovered. He has all these things himself, but still uses mine so I end up going through them a lot quicker than I would if only I was using them. I think he just doesn’t like being told / asked . It’s as if he thinks he has a right to these things - whether he’s paid for them or not! I just hate the disrespect of it . I don’t do that to his things .
In other ways he’s great - def not the husband from hell, but very stubborn.

Whyareyouspoilingthisfunsuckers · 17/10/2025 22:52

PennywisePoundFoolish · 17/10/2025 18:44

I have read and said this, he's adamant it's wrong. He's in a kind of related trade so gets very tetchy. I don't care how he does it but I won't change my method, and when he starts removing things I walk away and tell him thanks for taking over.

I have a very rock n roll lifestyle 😅

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I love this! I'm going to do the same. My dh is a petty at times. He rearranges the washing after I've hung it on the airer ir the radiator or sometimes as I'm doing it! Seriously! What man does that? Are any usually that bothered??!! Think he'll be taking a few more jobs over than he thought he would. Excellent.😅🤣😂

changeme4this · 17/10/2025 22:35

I have just had words about leaving the expandable hose still turned on.. it’s probably the 4th time I have mentioned he isn’t turning it off enough.

but he isn’t doing it to annoy me, rather because the hose decreases in length as it runs out of water, he just thinks it’s that. It does take its time though and off he goes to his next project.

VoltaireMittyDream · 17/10/2025 22:35

ByCosyGoose · 17/10/2025 22:28

Gosh that all sounds eerily familiar. My DH hasn’t had a ND diagnosis and there’s been no couple’s therapy to illuminate matters. Does yours also look at you sometimes as if you are a mad-woman talking double-Dutch; sort of startled - goggle-eyed with mouth wide?! We have “joked” that I really need to warn him I am about to speak to him. Mine retired recently from a big job and a. I am seeing a lot more of him so my patience is more tested (and I am post-menopausal) and b. I have been wondering if he’s gone into a sort of “sleep mode” as a response to being released from decades of work demands and pressure.

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Yep. Lots of the looking straight through me, or fixing me with a completely blank or unintentionally thunderously angry-looking expression - which can be quite chilling and scary at times.

Most of the time he has his headphones on, immersed in his various projects, unavailable for interaction of any kind. 100% in sleep mode when he’s not doing his hobbies, and the rest of are are just a kind of inconvenient background irritation.

Ppama · 17/10/2025 22:32

Depends on the ask. He stopped taking heroin but he still needlessly uses the tumble dryer on sunny days.

ByCosyGoose · 17/10/2025 22:28

VoltaireMittyDream · 17/10/2025 20:59

My DH is ND in a variety of fun ways that mean

a) he’s never fully listening
b) he can’t remember any conversation he ever has with anyone unless it’s amusing or about his special interests
c) he will either agree to stop doing something annoying & instantly forget the conversation, or will deny he’s ever done the thing, because he doesn’t really remember much of what goes on in daily life

He’d never use anything as ammunition - because he’s not malicious, but also because he wouldn’t remember even if he wanted to be malicious.

It annoys the SHIT out of me when people say, ‘well, have you asked him to stop?’

Yes, for about 20 years now, in about a thousand different ways, and yes we’ve had couples therapy, and yes I’ve read every book about fair play in relationships / mental load / effective communication in couples / and none of it works if the other party genuinely can’t remember anything from one moment to the next.

Asking DH to stop doing something is about as effective as asking someone with early stage dementia.

If you don’t live with someone ND you can’t really understand the extent to which working memory and autobiographical memory can be impaired in someone who gives the outward appearance of being high functioning.

Gosh that all sounds eerily familiar. My DH hasn’t had a ND diagnosis and there’s been no couple’s therapy to illuminate matters. Does yours also look at you sometimes as if you are a mad-woman talking double-Dutch; sort of startled - goggle-eyed with mouth wide?! We have “joked” that I really need to warn him I am about to speak to him. Mine retired recently from a big job and a. I am seeing a lot more of him so my patience is more tested (and I am post-menopausal) and b. I have been wondering if he’s gone into a sort of “sleep mode” as a response to being released from decades of work demands and pressure.

VoltaireMittyDream · 17/10/2025 20:59

My DH is ND in a variety of fun ways that mean

a) he’s never fully listening
b) he can’t remember any conversation he ever has with anyone unless it’s amusing or about his special interests
c) he will either agree to stop doing something annoying & instantly forget the conversation, or will deny he’s ever done the thing, because he doesn’t really remember much of what goes on in daily life

He’d never use anything as ammunition - because he’s not malicious, but also because he wouldn’t remember even if he wanted to be malicious.

It annoys the SHIT out of me when people say, ‘well, have you asked him to stop?’

Yes, for about 20 years now, in about a thousand different ways, and yes we’ve had couples therapy, and yes I’ve read every book about fair play in relationships / mental load / effective communication in couples / and none of it works if the other party genuinely can’t remember anything from one moment to the next.

Asking DH to stop doing something is about as effective as asking someone with early stage dementia.

If you don’t live with someone ND you can’t really understand the extent to which working memory and autobiographical memory can be impaired in someone who gives the outward appearance of being high functioning.

Babygirl166 · 17/10/2025 20:48

Tralalalama · 16/10/2025 21:26

My husbands an arsehole and barely ever stops anything I ask unless there’s a reason for him (eg stop dripping water down the back of the sink it’s making the wortop mouldy, he would stop because he doesn’t want the cost of a new worktop)
But if I ask him to stop leaving shoes by the front door because I can’t get the pram out the door with them all in the way. Nothing happens.
I spend my life putting his shoes away.

also he’s an arsehole and when he’s feeling particularly mean he will do all the things I’ve said not to do on purpose to annoy me/ hurt me/ punish me. So telling him stuff to stop often becomes ammunition.

Edited

This sounds like abuse

saffy2 · 17/10/2025 20:02

My partner tries to stop. And it’s often not enough and causes an argument, but he does try. And I can tell he tries. Or he doesn’t for a while and then forgets and goes back to his easier way of doing it.
for example, leaving washing on the floor, or glasses around the house, or he likes to keep a toilet roll around the house to blow his nose. I hate all these things and it irritates me, I ask him to stop frequently and he does try to. But often he reverts back, so then I ask again. So I hear what you’re saying, but equally it’s not as simple in my house and just saying please don’t do that. 😂 but not out of malice or anything horrible. Just general laziness or forgetfulness.

ToraMama · 17/10/2025 19:27

My husband is crap at putting stuff away. So when i had enough of all of his shit being left everywhere I bagged it all up and took it to his work and dumped it in the kitchen where he works. 6 bags. He has never done it since.

dizzydizzydizzy · 17/10/2025 19:17

ExDP wouldn't stop doing things when asked - which is partly why he is now my ex.

One of his favourite tricks was to mess up something that I had just cleaned and then not clean it.

C152 · 17/10/2025 19:14

Yes I asked ex. No he didn't stop.

MoonWoman69 · 17/10/2025 19:11

No! I've asked him countless times to cease and desist with various irritating crimes, but nope, it's like I've never spoken. Please use a plate for toast, don't wander round dropping crumbs, butter and jam on the laminate floor. Can you wipe the toast crumbs off the board, not just leave them there. (For this reason I refuse to use that board, as when he does wipe it, it's with his hand into the kitchen bin, I'm the only one that properly cleans it with the rest of the work tops!) Please stop making that awful clicking noise (I have no idea how he does it, but the first time I pulled him up on it and said stop clacking your teeth, he said it wasn't his teeth!!! Figure that one out!)
Honestly, I really don't know why I'm married, each passing year something else adds to the list that annoys me! But 35 years down the line, I'm still here, talking to myself! 🤣

LaChouette · 17/10/2025 18:46

He would definitely try. And I definitely try not to do things he has asked me to stop. We are both fallible humans though, so inevitably we piss each other off by forgetting sometimes.