Page 7 | Ex wants to take DD (4) to Jamaica

Butterfly789 · 2025-10-16T17:40:43+00:00

Hi, would be grateful to hear from anyone who has had any similar experiences: My ex and I have a 3 year old. He walked out when she was 10 days old and since then I have been the primary caregiver. She sleeps over at his house every other weekend, and on the weeks she doesn’t sleep over, she just goes for the day on Saturday (hope this makes sense). I have just had a call from his mom saying that they want to take her to Jamaica next August (she will be 4) to attend a family wedding. I personally think she will be too young to go so far away, especially when she’s never even been abroad with him or spent more than 1 night with him. I have told him I would be more open to somewhere closer, like Spain for example. AIBU?

surprisebaby12 · 16/10/2025 19:29

Absolutely not. He needs to earn trust and build up towards that

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 16/10/2025 19:28

Butterfly789 · 16/10/2025 18:52

Spain is not a 9 hour flight away and a completely different time zone. With Jamaica, there’s also the risk he might not bring her back or will stay longer than initially planned as it is his home country and has his own house there.

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Well they haven't chosen Jamaica for a holiday, they want to take her there because it's where the wedding is. So whether Spain would be a better destination is somewhat besides the point.

Personally I think Jamaica is too far at that age unless you are also going with them.

I'd also want to look into the legalities of what happens if they don't bring her back before even thinking about it.

MyLimeGuide · 16/10/2025 19:27

Id say no. No way in fact. She's too young IMO

Spinaltapped · 16/10/2025 19:25

I absolutely wouldn't let her go to his home country, where he owns property. There is a risk that he won't come home - not that he necessarily would want to be a full time parent, but to do it out of spite, or because other family members have said that they'll bring her up.

If she doesn't have a passport yet, get one now so you have it.

Even if there wasn't a risk that she might not come home, it's a very long trip for a small child who I imagine doesn't know his family well.

She's likely to be very clingy to him, as the only person she knows, which he might not appreciate, as he'll want to spend time with wider family and friends.

Noodledog · 16/10/2025 19:23

Butterfly789 · 16/10/2025 19:08

What steps can I take to prevent it?

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Just don't let her go. Ignore the Mumsnet bleeding hearts, she's your daughter and she's your priority, not "being fair" to a mostly absent father.

Noodledog · 16/10/2025 19:22

FourIsNewSix · 16/10/2025 19:11

What I meant is, if the risk is based only on the fact that he has a family and house there, it doesn't sound fair to preventively forbid it.
In that case no-one would be ever allowed to take children to visit their family abroad.

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It sounds fair to me. A nine hour flight for a four year old to go to a wedding of people she barely knows is ridiculous, even without the risk of him not returning.

And it won't be a memorable trip - she's four. If she remembers anything about it, it will be something completely random like having an ice-cream at the airport. Or worse, being away from home and missing her mum.

Starterlocs · 16/10/2025 19:11

Google parental abduction abroad and see the recommendations, plus info about what you'd need to do if that happens

FourIsNewSix · 16/10/2025 19:11

ReplacementBusService · 16/10/2025 19:04

Really?? If bringing the child back was actually a risk, you can do nothing about it? Like prevent them from leaving the country?

If it's not a risk,you have time to build up to it. Why is his mum asking this and not him though?

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What I meant is, if the risk is based only on the fact that he has a family and house there, it doesn't sound fair to preventively forbid it.
In that case no-one would be ever allowed to take children to visit their family abroad.

StrongandNorthern · 16/10/2025 19:11

Absolutely not.

nocoolnamesleft · 16/10/2025 19:10

Hague is not a signatory to the Hague convention, which would make me nervous.

Original poster

Butterfly789 · 16/10/2025 19:08

Starterlocs · 16/10/2025 19:07

If that is a real risk you need to take proactive steps to prevent it, the wedding is a moot point. Have you done that already?

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What steps can I take to prevent it?

OP posts:

BlueMum16 · 16/10/2025 19:08

Butterfly789 · 16/10/2025 18:52

Spain is not a 9 hour flight away and a completely different time zone. With Jamaica, there’s also the risk he might not bring her back or will stay longer than initially planned as it is his home country and has his own house there.

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That's makes a massive difference rather than you not wanting her to spend time away with her dad.

His home country and a risk she wouldn't come back and I wouldn't be allowing her to go. Like PP said get a passport, so he can't, and keep hold of it.

Is he on the birth certificate?

Starterlocs · 16/10/2025 19:07

Butterfly789 · 16/10/2025 18:52

Spain is not a 9 hour flight away and a completely different time zone. With Jamaica, there’s also the risk he might not bring her back or will stay longer than initially planned as it is his home country and has his own house there.

Show quote history

If that is a real risk you need to take proactive steps to prevent it, the wedding is a moot point. Have you done that already?

BeeDavis · 16/10/2025 19:05

Given he only has her every other weekend I would highly doubt he’d want to keep her there!

NorthernLass2025 · 16/10/2025 19:05

I dont see an issue, it's her dad, she sees him let her have the experience. Our 4 year old is off abroad for the first time next month with his grandparents. We see it as an experience and adventure for him

StitchHappens · 16/10/2025 19:05

Butterfly789 · 16/10/2025 18:59

He can’t really up his contact with her as he lives quite a while away and isn’t able to have her in the week as she attends a nursery at a school and he wouldn’t be able to get her there.

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She could have a few days off nursery to enable a couple of long weekends with him and see how they go. I would be putting the ball in his court with that though. If he wants to take her away for an extended period of time (beyond what she is used to) then I would ask him to come up with a plan for how he can ease her into it. If he doesn't (and experience says he wont be able to because putting in the effort won't be a prority for him) he can't take her. He has to be willing to do the work.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/10/2025 19:05

Owl55 · 16/10/2025 18:49

Will they bring her back?

My first thought too.

ReplacementBusService · 16/10/2025 19:04

FourIsNewSix · 16/10/2025 18:59

If it is in August, there is a year to build up the number of nights, he can take her for 4 days in springtime in the UK and see.

As about the risk that he might not come back/overstay... I'm afraid you can't do much about it.
The child has two parents and it doesn't make sesne to preventively forbid them visiting
the other parent's country

Really?? If bringing the child back was actually a risk, you can do nothing about it? Like prevent them from leaving the country?

If it's not a risk,you have time to build up to it. Why is his mum asking this and not him though?

researchers3 · 16/10/2025 19:00

If you even have the tiniest doubt he may not return her then of course it's an absolute no!

Starlight7080 · 16/10/2025 19:00

I wouldn't trust he will bring her back at all.
Have you got her a passport ? If not you should apply for one and keep it .
I think she would miss you a lot anyway. Especially given he does not see her much .

Original poster

Butterfly789 · 16/10/2025 18:59

StitchHappens · 16/10/2025 18:56

How long would they be going for? If you're not concerned that he won't being her back then for me it would depend on him being willing to show up consistently and for increasing amounts of time over the next 9 months. Is he willing and able to up his hours with her every week?

He can’t really up his contact with her as he lives quite a while away and isn’t able to have her in the week as she attends a nursery at a school and he wouldn’t be able to get her there.

OP posts:

FourIsNewSix · 16/10/2025 18:59

If it is in August, there is a year to build up the number of nights, he can take her for 4 days in springtime in the UK and see.

As about the risk that he might not come back/overstay... I'm afraid you can't do much about it.
The child has two parents and it doesn't make sesne to preventively forbid them visiting
the other parent's country

Original poster

Butterfly789 · 16/10/2025 18:58

SandyY2K · 16/10/2025 18:55

They can't change the venue of the wedding to Spain.

How is your coparent relationship? Do have a reason to think he wouldn't bring her back?

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Obviously I know they can’t change the location of the wedding. I was just saying I would be more open to him taking her abroad for a shorter amount of time in a closer country.

OP posts:

backatchababy · 16/10/2025 18:57

Given your latest update, absolutely not and I would be doing everything in my power to prevent that.

StitchHappens · 16/10/2025 18:56

How long would they be going for? If you're not concerned that he won't being her back then for me it would depend on him being willing to show up consistently and for increasing amounts of time over the next 9 months. Is he willing and able to up his hours with her every week?