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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants to take DD (4) to Jamaica

186 replies

Butterfly789 · 16/10/2025 18:40

Hi, would be grateful to hear from anyone who has had any similar experiences:

My ex and I have a 3 year old. He walked out when she was 10 days old and since then I have been the primary caregiver. She sleeps over at his house every other weekend, and on the weeks she doesn’t sleep over, she just goes for the day on Saturday (hope this makes sense).

I have just had a call from his mom saying that they want to take her to Jamaica next August (she will be 4) to attend a family wedding.

I personally think she will be too young to go so far away, especially when she’s never even been abroad with him or spent more than 1 night with him. I have told him I would be more open to somewhere closer, like Spain for example.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Starterlocs · 16/10/2025 23:44

AliceMcK · 16/10/2025 23:37

Members

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You are conflating membership with contracting parties. Look at the specific convention itself here: https://www.hcch.net/en/instruments/conventions/status-table/?cid=24

HCCH | #28 - Status table

Convention of 25 October 1980 on the Civil Aspects of International Child Abduction

https://www.hcch.net/en/instruments/conventions/status-table?cid=24

Starterlocs · 16/10/2025 23:42

AliceMcK · 16/10/2025 23:33

What isn’t?

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You said that Jamaica is not part of the Hague convention, but as far as I can see from their website it very much looks like they are. Unless you have additional context here?

ChimneyPot · 16/10/2025 23:39

A friend was in a similar position and her child’s father Paige for her to travel over with the child rather than have a young child away from his primary caregiver for 2 weeks.

76evie · 16/10/2025 23:39

Butterfly789 · 16/10/2025 18:52

Spain is not a 9 hour flight away and a completely different time zone. With Jamaica, there’s also the risk he might not bring her back or will stay longer than initially planned as it is his home country and has his own house there.

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Given it’s his home country & he has a house there it would be a massive no from me.

anywhere would be a no from me to be honest given she only spends one night a fortnight with him and is only 4

AliceMcK · 16/10/2025 23:37

AliceMcK · 16/10/2025 23:33

What isn’t?

Show quote history

Members

Ex wants to take DD (4) to Jamaica
AliceMcK · 16/10/2025 23:33

Starterlocs · 16/10/2025 23:30

This is not true.

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What isn’t?

Starterlocs · 16/10/2025 23:30

AliceMcK · 16/10/2025 22:31

Based solely on the fact that Jamaica is not part of The Hague convention then no.

I do find it very sad your dd can’t go and enjoy time with her family there, but the sad reality is there are too many stories of children being taken my parents in these situations.

Id make sure you have measures in place, dose the ex have parental rights, access to her passport etc…

This is not true.

IamNotBeingUnreasonable · 16/10/2025 23:29

Jamaica is an unsafe country.

Starterlocs · 16/10/2025 23:25

If this was me, and I note that I have the disposable income which would allow me to do so, I would take her, especially as it is a shared heritage. She will have a great time. Do you not have family there you could visit or stay with?

Obv only you know the state of your co-parenting relationship.

I wouldn't blink an eye at the flight time with them at this age, totally doable.

Libellousness · 16/10/2025 23:24

Butterfly789 · 16/10/2025 18:52

Spain is not a 9 hour flight away and a completely different time zone. With Jamaica, there’s also the risk he might not bring her back or will stay longer than initially planned as it is his home country and has his own house there.

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Once he has her in Spain, he can easily hop on a flight to Jamaica and there’s nothing you can do to stop him. If you think there’s any risk he wouldn’t return her, you need to be preventing any overseas trips.

Imbusytodaysorry · 16/10/2025 23:23

@Butterfly789 No way !
Rinse and repeat

TheLemonLemur · 16/10/2025 23:14

Is he named on the birth certificate? If so even if you refuse he could still go to court for permission. I had a family member in a similar situation 1 overnight a fortnight and the father was still granted an order from the court to take the child for a week. Why is the mother asking though does he even want to take the child?

mamagogo1 · 16/10/2025 23:10

can you have a proper conversation with him, explain the reasons why you are reluctant to. Would you going too be an option? A family wedding is important but you need to be careful

MorrisZapp · 16/10/2025 23:04

Oh hell no. Absolutely no chance. He'd have to see me in court if this was my small child.

Dweetfidilove · 16/10/2025 23:01

Butterfly789 · 16/10/2025 22:55

Well it wouldn’t be as simple as “just getting her back”. I would have no idea where she was. He wouldn’t exactly be like, “Hi! We’re on xxxx street, come and pick her up!”

Regardless, my main concern would be her being away from me, so far away, for such a long time and whether that’s in her best interests. The only reason the abduction thing got brought up was because lots of other posters were mentioning it.

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My ex was born in Jamaica and has properties there. It's never crossed my mind he might return with our daughter and not come back.

I was born in Jamaica... but there's never been a risk of me taking his daughter and running back to Jamaica.

It's a shame that doubt has been planted.

I do understand the discomfort around being away from her for an extended period though. It's a shame he doesn't have a more frequent visiting schedule, as that would probably make it easier. She'd have a fantastic time surrounded by people who would most likely shower her with love.

Original poster
Butterfly789 · 16/10/2025 22:55

Dweetfidilove · 16/10/2025 22:48

Even better, as there's the possibility you could go get her back in the unlikely event he doesn't return?

What exactly is your fear and what could he do to reassure you in the next year?

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Well it wouldn’t be as simple as “just getting her back”. I would have no idea where she was. He wouldn’t exactly be like, “Hi! We’re on xxxx street, come and pick her up!”

Regardless, my main concern would be her being away from me, so far away, for such a long time and whether that’s in her best interests. The only reason the abduction thing got brought up was because lots of other posters were mentioning it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterfly789 · 16/10/2025 22:50

Digdongdoo · 16/10/2025 22:47

Then genuinely what is the issue? If you're Jamaican too, he can't kidnap her there can he?

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Ummm because he could just take her and keep her there…

As I have explained, he has a house there and was actually born there. Although my family are Jamaican, I was born in the UK

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 16/10/2025 22:48

Butterfly789 · 16/10/2025 22:42

I am of Jamaican heritage myself!!

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Even better, as there's the possibility you could go get her back in the unlikely event he doesn't return?

What exactly is your fear and what could he do to reassure you in the next year?

HelenaWaiting · 16/10/2025 22:47

The answer is short, succinct, and a complete sentence:

NO.

Digdongdoo · 16/10/2025 22:47

Butterfly789 · 16/10/2025 22:45

I’m not depriving her of any heritage thanks, her father and I are both Jamaican. 😊

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Then genuinely what is the issue? If you're Jamaican too, he can't kidnap her there can he?

Original poster
Butterfly789 · 16/10/2025 22:45

Digdongdoo · 16/10/2025 21:33

Why do these threads always jump to "he won't bring her back"? Based upon what? Has he given any indication at all that he wants to steal her away? Did you expect your half Jamaican child to never visit Jamaica? Because you really can't deprive a child of heritage and family based upon baseless fears you didn't have until someone on mumsnet said it.

I’m not depriving her of any heritage thanks, her father and I are both Jamaican. 😊

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/10/2025 22:43

No, absolutely not.

Not to a country he has any potential to not bring her back from.

Edit - is there any possibility you could go too? That’s the only way I’d allow it.

Original poster
Butterfly789 · 16/10/2025 22:42

Dweetfidilove · 16/10/2025 21:38

It really is so ridiculous!

I agree about denying them of their heritage as well. Why on earth would you have a child with a man from a whole different country if you're always suspicious he'll run off with them, never to return?

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I am of Jamaican heritage myself!!

OP posts:
CorgiOctopus · 16/10/2025 22:40

Dweetfidilove · 16/10/2025 21:38

It really is so ridiculous!

I agree about denying them of their heritage as well. Why on earth would you have a child with a man from a whole different country if you're always suspicious he'll run off with them, never to return?

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What good is that info 5 years after the pregnancy?

AliceMcK · 16/10/2025 22:31

Based solely on the fact that Jamaica is not part of The Hague convention then no.

I do find it very sad your dd can’t go and enjoy time with her family there, but the sad reality is there are too many stories of children being taken my parents in these situations.

Id make sure you have measures in place, dose the ex have parental rights, access to her passport etc…