SIL asking I don't bring my nephew along to Centre Parc holiday trip

I reckon they asked Ava.

SIL: Hey Ava, Auntie Pline says she's bringing Ben to CP. You remember Ben? He's Auntie Pline's nephew, he came to X with us last year. So that'll be fun, right?

Ava (being a 9yo girl): urgh boys yuk ick nooooooo

SIL: bugger I'd better put Pline off bringing the rando kid

BIL: oh but I already said it's fine

SIL: ffs

...meanwhile they'd probably have rubbed along perfectly nicely...

Still, SIL's paying, so your options are to suck it up or decline the invitation. I'd probably send dp on his own & go & do something less 'boring' (& I'm with you, CP is boring) honestly, but if you're keen to be involved then you'll just have to go along with SIL's plans.

i think in the context of a family event it wasn’t completely rude to ask. Yes, you should have asked them via a text to just your SIL and BIL instead of in the group chat.

BuI also think they’re completely reasonable decline and it sounds like your SIL has done it politely, explained her reasoning, and reinforced how important you are to her DD. Them saying no doesn’t mean your request was rude, and you not being rude doesn’t mean they were unreasonable to say no.

So I’m a bit confused by your question. It doesn’t sound like your SIL is accusing you of being rude or angry at you. She said it wouldn’t work and hopefully you said ‘oh I absolutely understand, I’m sorry if I put you and BIL on the spot. I’m looking forward to celebrating Niece’s birthday’ and that’s the end of it.

If they've been generous enough to invite you all and pay for it, there's every chance they're planning on paying for meals too. They also don't sound like the sort who'd be comfortable nitpicking over a bill so nephew would inevitably become part of their expenses.
They've gone to every length to arrange a family event surrounding their daughter's bday, even inviting a couple who don't have children so as not to leave them out.
With the array of adults and kids there, I guarantee they're not looking for OP to be on entertainment duty. They're looking to invite the whole family and no one else to a lovely family weekend with group photos of just family etc.
It takes a bit of reading between the lines but this is definitely what's going on here.

Yes, I think it's rude. I wouldn't have even asked. If you think that you'd be bored then decide for yourself if you want to go or not. But to try and take your own entertainment/ nephew to a party he hasn't been invited to esp to one where the host is paying for your accommodation is sort of cf territory. It is her right to refuse , and at the same time it is your right not to go, but if you refuse to go now it will obviously look like it's because she's told you not to bring your nephew.

It sounds like she is not letting nephew come because she wants your sole attention on her child which would annoy me. However you accepted for her to pay so unfortunately it is down to her.

I wouldn't worry too much about being the only child free couple there, I'm betting mum is planning on having you doing most of the grunt work in keeping birthday girl entertained which is why she doesn't want your attention taken up with another child. You'll be responsible for SILs child instead.

@ladycarlotta

Its her husbands/ partners niece. Slightly different dynamic

I remember what it was like tagging along to kiddy events without a kid

you feel like a total spare part

dont blame you for wanting to play parent/aunt for a weekend

Auntie by marriage, isnt the same role

I don't know anyone who would raise a child who thinks she can dictate what adults do and don't do, and how much attention an adult pays them.

Or who thinks that just because it's her birthday, a group of 15 people must dance to her tune 24/7.

They’re obviously happy to pay thousands of pounds for a young kids birthday….im guessing tween?

CP is over £800 for the smallest cabin for 3 nights

I would 🙄 at going if it were my in laws

They are entitled to invite who they want but their reason for not allowing your nephew to come is quite selfish. Don’t let the Klingon niece dictate everything you do, her parents need to entertain her, not you!

So if OP invites nephew and her sibling on a day pass and choses to spend time with them instead of a day in spa or other “adult” time- would that be ok?

Yes, that sounds a nice idea but It’s not about what you want, is it?

Your SIL is arranging this trip as a special celebration for her daughter.

When someone else is kind enough to invite you and is footing the bill, you either accept or decline the invitation.

You don’t start trying to work out how to improve the event for your own benefit. That’s what’s coming across as a bit rude.

I think if you'd asked if you could bring your nephew and offered to pay for him, it may have looked better. Your BIL said yes, because he clearly didn't care if your nephew came, he didn't discuss it with your SIL before answering you. Once she found out, she has now made it clear that your nephew isn't invited. I appreciate that your niece likes spending time with you, which is lovely but I am wondering if you've been lined up to keep your niece occupied, whilst your SIL and BIL have time to themselves! In which case your SIL wouldn't want your time taken up with your nephew! Of course, I could be being cynical, and my theory might be completely wrong!

OP's latest response confirms that she's not likely to be used as "free childcare" as so many ungraciously assumed.

This place is so weird sometimes.

@Pline
I don’t think you were unreasonable to ask- although I wouldn’t have done it on the group chat.

The accommodation has been paid for- so it wouldn’t cost SIL anymore to bring your nephew if you covered all other expenses. I appreciate it’s her prerogative to refuse though- as she paid.

Paying for a holiday for someone should not make them indebted to you - it’s not a benefit in lieu of payment for a service.

You sound good with kids and kind, and I am sure that you will spend time with your SIL’s daughter regardless. In my view, it would have been perfectly ok to do this with your nephew present too. It may not be undivided attention- but so what? She’s got parents and other adults around too.

Maybe SIL should engage in girly things for benefit of daughter if she feels so important?

I agree with the majority that as much as your heart was in a good place you’ve missed the mark on this one. Just suck it up and move past it!

Also, as someone who did CP in a group pre-kids you can have a great time. Are you going to one with a spa? I went twice during a 3 night stay. Rented a bike, granted you can’t go far but did some rides around the trails. I went for a few early morning runs when it was absolutely dead other than some knackered looking parents pushing cranky babies in prams. Enjoyed the pool later when all the kids had left. Enjoy!

Of course you're being exceptionally unreasonable. Your SIL is paying for everyone which will cost thousands of pounds and you're asking to bring an extra child that isn't even related to your SIL or that side of the family at all. Read a book if you're bored or go to the spa or something.

You've learnt that there's no such thing as a free lunch.
This kind of thing wouldn't bother me, especially as there's room to fill and there are 2 of you to look after your nephew, but your SIL has different ideas.

The first time, pre children, that I went to CP I found it so boring…. Post children it’s great! I can see why you thought having nephew would help the imbalance but I can see why SIL wouldn’t want them there- it changes the dynamics! Hope you enjoy it OP. Definitely escape to the spa for a treat!!

DH and I have been to CP loads without kids. In our 20s 😂🙃 There’s lots to do if you’re willing to spend a few quid and not just sit in the chalet or by the pool.

This is such a nasty Mumsnetty response. Why shouldn't a child be excited to see their auntie and want her undivided attention? I don't know anyone who'd begrudge this in real life.

How much "attention" does a child need, birthday or not?

Sounds like a little Veruca Salt in the making!

I don't think you were wrong to ask.

I also think I'd decline since SIL said no.

But that's me.