Dynamic between DH and ex college friend who is now our DC’s teacher…

I trusted my ExH. He went for a coffee with an old friend and as @gannett said he took a great joy in reconnecting with said coffee and catch up.

They decided to extend their connection to their body parts, kept connected for 3 years.

H had a deep scar from his father cheating and told me in great detail at the beginning of the relationship what great pain it caused him when his parents split up.

I made a big assumption that he would never do it to me.I was wrong.

As for the teacher and the parents socialising rules-when lust and excitement are involved all work,moral and ethical conducts go to hell.

People involved just don’t care what havoc they cause braking up marriages and families. They don’t care about the kids at school saying to their kids “your parent is shagging the teacher”

This is happening in all environments,professional and not (in small community)

All started with a coffee and catch up

I’m still gathering pieces and licking my wounds. My marriage and family are gone. I blame coffee ☕️

I’ve just reread the OP and she said they’re already chatting and laughing a lot. So my “dispel the weirdness” theory is scotched. I’d be more cautious now. Or would say “sure would be great for us to meet her for a coffee - would be good to hear direct what you were like as a student”.

Even if he did ask, she wouldn't be able to go, schools are (or should be) hot on parent/teacher communication outside of official channels. So it should be a moot point.

Pre-existing friendships are fine but you can't really call this a pre-existing friendship if they haven't seen each other since college.

Ok so normally I’d be v suspicious of this sort of thing, but I can completely picture this sort of thing being totally innocent too.
I don’t think it’s at all weird to want to go for a coffee and catch up properly - for me, it’s socially weird and awkward when you’re in that “used to know each other in the past but now you don’t but you have to interact more” situation. Like you’re forever doing that weird smile nod thing meaning “hey I remember you from years ago and we used to be friends but we’ve not mentioned it in years and now it’s weird”. It would be a way of making it less awkward and strange that a previous college friend was now my child’s teacher. Breaks the ice before a series of parents evenings.

The bottom thing - wholly depends on your DP. Can imagine mine saying something like that in a completely non dodgy way, more of a “obviously students were always eyeing each other up but nothing ever happened here”. But if it’s the sort of comment that doesn’t have you both wryly laughing at how things have changed, but actually worries you now for other reasons, then probably best trust your instincts.

They were chatting like old friends across multiple days and having a right laugh.

He asked me yesterday if I thought it would be odd if he asked her to go for a coffee so they could catch up properly (!). I said it would probably be seen as a bit odd for a parent to ask a teacher to meet socially. He disagrees, says they’re old friends ‘and there’s obviously nothing romantic, although I do remember spending many a dull lesson admiring her bottom’ (!).

@Greenacremile, it sounds like they have already been pushing boundaries at school via their overfamiliarity and in-joke laughing, and others will be noticing. She should be well aware of the serious ramifications of failing to keep a professional distance with parents.

I see an escalation. As @MissDoubleU pointed out, he sounds ‘giddy’ with his buzzy mentionitis about this woman from his past. His dismissal of your cautionary remark regarding a parent and teacher meeting socially shows his determination to reconnect with her in a more private venue, to the potential detriment of DS. I would be livid.

Lastly, it is appalling that he has relegated you to mate or sister status by (disgustingly) sharing that he frequently drooled over her bum in class. That he thought it was appropriate to divulge his ogling and get your okay to ask her for a coffee date is beyond the pale.

You would be very foolish to underreact, @Greenacremile.

It absolutely is odd. I am a teacher and one year my friend's son was placed in my class. We literally did not talk at all that year expect conferences as it is not a boundary you can cross. Other parents can claim favoritism and you may accidentally divulge information about other classmate. You can lose your job over it and your entire career be ruined.

That being said if she is encouraging this socializing she definitely knows it is not allowed and that would make me very suspicious. Why risk her job being so chummy with him in front of other parents?He knows it isn't appropriate and that's why he is asking all naive and coy. I would tell him given the personal relationship he had with her it is inappropriate to carry on a friendship at the expense of your child. If he continues well you have your answer.

As for the bottom comment, it is just gross. Is your husband normally this gross objectifying the women he knows? And thinking something isn't appropriate doesn't mean you don't trust your DH. It may just mean you don't want to be put in a situation that might go wrong very easily. Not everyone has the best intentions for you and your family.

The thing a lot of people don't seem to get, is that one party being in a position of power, ie Teacher/Tutor/Lecturer/Coach etc,

meeting up with a "legally over age of consent, but..." Pupil.🤢

OR a Parent for "coffee" or whatever 🙄

Is STILL potentially illegal behaviour (with a minor, or even an adult in a vulnerable position) and will potentially will get the adult in the position of power in trouble with their professional body!

Any teacher/lecturer/tutor knows this, it's drummed into us at the start of our training. It's Safeguarding 101 for educators in training.

If I were her, OP, I'd be steering well clear of any meet ups for "coffee" and TELlING HIM WHY, because she's running the risk of being hauled up for professional misconduct.

How can she defend herself from accusations of lack of impartiality towards your child, if she has a prior ( or current )relationship with your "D" H?

All you, or anyone else, has to do is make a complaint.

Does he even realise that? That's he's potentially compromising HER career? Or does he not care (because he's only thinking with his prick.)

Absolutely this. Make it 100% clear and put the ball back in his court.

I work in an educational establishment and we have notices up in the staffroom about professional boundaries. One of these says, explicitly, that social contact or using social media to contact parents, etc- is not appropriate. If he asks her out, even “just” for coffee, he should expect her to say no, and she may find it tricky even being asked. It would potentially put her in an embarrassing position professionally.

I agree.
It would piss me off big time to have been asked.
Ick territory.

YANBU OP. He’s not laying either fire.

You are still friends with these men. Totally different situation to the OPs.

Completely agree.

And a lot of people don't seem to understand that finding someone attractive is not the same as wanting to sleep with them, let alone cheat and blow up your existing relationship.

The vast majority of people can appreciate when someone else is or was attractive and also control themselves from doing anything about it, unless we all confine ourselves to friendships with ugly people. I'm friends with several good-looking men. Some of them have bodies I admired 20 years ago. Some of them I even slept with 20 years ago. I still socialise with them. I do not want to cheat on DP with them! And if they have any desire to sleep with me they do a good job of not letting that show - which is what actually matters.

He wants to go out alone with a woman he admits having attraction to - who is newly single. This is not an existing friend, this is a woman he used to know many years ago. Newly single. She managed to fit that info in nicely; eh? He’s giddy as a school girl talking about meeting with her and how great her arse looked back when.

No, I wouldn’t be happy.

Dear Husband,

No, I'm not okay with you taking our son's teacher, whose ass you perved over on school, on a date. Do I really need to go into all the reasons why that would be a terrible idea? I have no problem telling her this exact thing too. Now, do you really want to go there?

I don't know the other reasons you think he's approaching midlife crisis territory but a man who respected his wife wouldn't be going on about how he used to dream about another woman's ass. He's disrespectful and seems to be fine with trampling professional boundaries and potentially making school difficult for his son.

I'd be wary. Have your ducks prepared. He sounds reckless and thoughtless.

Erm, not quite sure how to put this.

‘there’s obviously nothing romantic, although I do remember spending many a dull lesson admiring her bottom’(!)

Is he normally this crass about other women and you just ignore it, or is this kind of comment in this way unusual in itself?
If he said 'full disclosure, I did used to have a crush on her in college' that would be odd but one thing, but what he said was kind of off - is that normal language for him?

Sad as it is, I do agree with this. You shouldn’t have to provide your partner with guidance on shit like this.

Bravo.

Meeting your child's teacher socially when that isn't already an established social pattern = odd.

Everything else aside he should hold off on instigating this until she's not longer his DC's class teacher.

Asking his wife permission to meet a female former college friend whose bum he used to admire = odd.

He should own the choice and imo do this as a group thing (with other long lost college friends) or something that you would be invited to as well (whether or not you choose to).

So I think I'd be saying "no, DH it might be too weird for both the teacher and our DC if you start meeting the teacher socially. Why not carry on being friendly when you run into her at the school gates. Next year when she's not longer DC's class teacher maybe you can decide if you want to include her in a college meet up or we could both meet her for a coffee or a meal sometime if you think we would all get on.

I would have found it extremely odd if they were not previously friends. I know you’ve said ignore the prior context but that is what stands out for me - he knows her and is not just wanting to meet up with a random woman.

Otherwise yes, of course it would be bizarre for him to ask his DC’s teacher out for coffee (if he didn’t know her).

But my original points stands: regardless of how he knows her and the inappropriateness of it given her job, in a healthy marriage neither party should feel suspicious or uncomfortable about the other meeting someone of the opposite sex for a coffee.

I know that on MN this makes me naive and a ‘cool wife’😂

No the teacher element is not odd as he hasn’t just met her as his child’s teacher, he knows her as an old college friend.

The part that’s odd is asking your permission to go on a date with her.

If you feel you have to ban your husband from having a coffee with a woman, for any reason, then I don’t know why you are married.

I don’t understand threads where women say they wouldn’t allow their DH to go for coffee, lunch or whatever with another woman. Or their spider senses are tingling because he’s mentioned some woman’s name and they’ve banned him from spending any time with said woman.

How do people remain in marriages where they genuinely think that, given a chance, their husband will sleep with another woman so they have to put all these restrictions in place. It’s like keeping a rabid dog on a leash.

Only you know if you trust your DH or not. None of us can tell you if he is or isn’t trying to get this woman into bed. But if you don’t trust him then I don’t know see the point in your marriage.

No. If he were to do this, it should be near the end of the term so it won't affect your child.

Excellent response from Mrs TP.
As usual.