Asking partner not to eat food I’m severely allergic to ?

Reading your update to see that you've had a reaction before when he'd eaten fish - your MIL is being awful. She's seen your DP prioritising your welfare (as he should!) and decided that this is about her and her wanting to make him eat fish. She sounds like a nightmare - why can't he have a sausage?! Utterly ridiculous.

When I have had fish suppers some people have had fish, some have pies, some chicken etc. Everyone doesn't have to have the same. Your MiL is bit controlling.

I am severely allergic to mushrooms and go I to anaphylactic shock if I eat any. I would never dream of asking DH not to eat mushrooms though. He's a vegetarian and has quite a few mushrooms and mushroom based products. He cleans his teeth immediately after eating them always. If he has them he uses separate utensils and pan.

So his mum says you are controlling because he has chosen not to risk eating fish. But the fact that she wants him to eat fish so they both have the same is fine????

New fear unlocked - girlfriends.

and mother in laws who don’t get it.

My DC has a severe nut allergy. Nuts were (before we found out when he was a baby) my absolute favourite thing. I ate them all the time and was gutted when he turned out to have an allergy to them but the second i found out that being around them could kill him, giving them up was not an issue, although I missed them initially.

Weirdly now the thought of eating the particular nuts they are allergic too makes me feel sick, even the smell of them. If it was my DH with the same allergy, I wouldnt hesitate to not eat something that could make him physically ill. Having seen my DC have an anaphylactic reaction, I would never knowingly put anyone through that. However this has been a battle ive had to fight for my DC many many times over the years , even family members still bought sweets with nuts in, given them food with "may "contain" warnings and generally just dont get it. I had to make a formal complaint about a club DC had attended for many years who fed a group of children peanut butter sandwiches and though washing the knife before cutting their sandwich was adequate. They just didnt understand cross contamination and that that could lead to a full blown reaction. That's just one example, there have been many of the years.

ive found if people dont have to live serious allergies everyday, it is really hard to get their heads around and just washing the knife sounded reasonable to the person who was leading the group.
This did lead to a really good discussion about allergies that helped keep more then just my DC safe at other events and involved AAI (Epipen etc) training for the people in charge.

Allergens stay in your system for 24 hours, no amount of tooth brushing, handwashing etc can get rid of it. One of my biggest fears in life is that my now teenage DCs first kiss may kill them if the other person has been eating nuts in the day beforehand . Thankfully we have taught them to advocate for themselves well and they aren't worried about saying please dont eat nuts around me and explaining why its important not to.

I really feel for you OP, it sounds like prior to this your DP has been understanding, hopefully he wont let his DM influence him further, you have to advocate for your own needs if its genuinely a matter of life or death. I wish people understood severe allergies more.

on those grounds might have to see if my 5 year old can move out so I can eat cashews and pistachios again. Butter chicken curry just isn’t the same made with almonds.

or I can live without them because I like him more than cashews and pistachios.

I like him best when he’s not dead though so it’s not worth the risk.

Her boyfriend probably feels the same way as I do.

if he didn’t though I’d have to consider whether I could tolerate that.

I find it strange that if you have been together for12 years why MIL is only now throwing a wobbly about this? Surely the situation must have arisen before now and IMO it's solely your DH's responsibility to make sure that his DM understands that it was his choice not to eat fish etc, that he is happy with this and in no way are you trying to 'control' him?! 🙄
She perhaps is wrongly perceiving the situation to suit her own agenda in that DH is not entirely happy with having his choices curtailed but isn't being truthful with you about it, but that still doesn't explain why it's taken her 12 years to behave this way!
Personally I would tell her to 'mind her beeswax' but clear that with DH first and only after you have got his side of the story!! 😊

‘you can’t tell someone what they can and can’t eat’

Exactly, he agreed willingly not to do something that could risk his girlfriends health and life and SHE can't override that tell him what he 'can' eat. He's not a child.

Sounds like his mum is jealous. Like he is sacrificing something massive for you. It’s a bit of fish and it could save your life. She needs to mind her own business.

Aren’t you very clever!

Thanks @Meep2024 I always wonder how they leave products that is known to cause allergies so exposed! The nuts I know I usually sealed but the fish counters more often that not is open…

I get the feeling some people really don’t understand how severe an allergy can be..! It is his choice and his DM is being the controlling one.

I went to a lecture on food alergies. The expert told the sad story of a mother who had a severe nut allergy but died following eating an apple. On investigation it appeared that in the supermarket warehouse, the apples had been stored next to the nuts. He explained that quantity of the offending food is not important, just a few molecules is enough to kill in some cases.

If she wanted to have the same…she could have had the same than him 👀

she was upset as wanted to have the same as apparently when you have fish and chips everyone has the same

What a load of bollocks.

Everyone knows that that only applies on Fish Friday😂

Well…
« You can’t tell someone when they will or won’t be go to AE. »

People. MIL of all…never stop to amaze me.

Was she cooking it at home? If she wanted to go out to eat surely he could just order a sausage or a pie or a savaloy? Win win for everyone.

Not ignorant at all. Some mask up if it's airborne. DC1 is allergic to certain tree nuts (not all). We still can't get food that doesn't contain TNs if it's made in an open kitchen because of the risk of cross contamination. It's hard to navigate of course mainly getting some to take it seriously, most do take it seriously these days thank goodness. It's a lot more difficult to navigate if the allergy is airborne.

Your Mil needs a good shake!!
Silly silly lady disrespecting other people's serious allergy issues just so she can control her son!!
Awful..... I have a serious allergy and I really appreciate when friends avoid eating it in front of me even though I'm not gonna kiss them! 😂
You and your hubby are well sorted xx

Presumably she’s not routinely snogging guy at Asda fish counter with every purchase?

Not sure if someone has replied, but I guess it’s a saveloy

I grew up with a mother who is severely allergic to nuts and peanuts. Watching someone go into anaphylactic shock is very frightening (this happened twice to my mum when I was little). I do feel that many people "poo poo" allergies so I do sympathise with you OP. Considering the incident where you had a reaction 8 hours after your DP ate fish, your MIL is being extremely unreasonable calling you controlling!

12 years together so has she always been like this or is this a new behaviour.

she sounds batshit to be honest.

redirect the message to partner and don’t eat at MIL house again. Me personally I wouldn’t be able to trust her.

I'll just leave this here 🙄https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34663441/

Your OP is a bit misleading. As it’s DH choice not to eat the fish based on past experience of doing so, YANBU.

What difference does it make if eg he has the battered sausage instead of fish. MIL is being odd (and controlling!) about everyone having to eat exactly the same.

It’s really up to your DH to navigate his own food choices with his DM, I wouldn’t engage.

Are there other examples where she thinks you are controlling?