Asking partner not to eat food I’m severely allergic to ?

One can only assume that the 30% and your MiL have never seen anyone in anaphylaxis... an Epipen administered does not return the patient to a preset factory model... often it will take more than one dose and then there is a slow recovery, assuming that they did not die. Yes, I know that is stark but this is what might happen... so, I think your husband is both sensible and caring, and your MiL should probably be shown what actually happens to someone with severe allergic reactions.

I had a friend as a lodger 20 years ago and she was allergic to fish and shellfish. I knew, but didn't realise just how sensitive she was. I had fish and chips, did the washing up and she used a plate from the same batch of washing up.

She had a reaction very quickly, not really bad, but it brought it home to me and I never had fish in the house again whilst she lived there.

I voted you are not being unreasonable and your MiL is a blithering idiot.

Some of these replies have really surprised me. I’m severely allergic to shellfish, so much so I nearly died when someone kissed me on the cheek on a night out after eating a prawn sandwich at lunch. By some weird quirk DH is the first person I’ve ever dated that likes shellfish, but he happily gave up shellfish when things got serious (prior to that we had a 48hr rule) as it just wasn’t worth the risk. Even my in-laws avoid shellfish, or at least contact with me if they’ve eaten shellfish within 48hrs of seeing me. It’s mind blowing to me that some people could consider this controlling when we’re literally talking a life or death risk here.

My husband is anaphylactic to nuts so we don’t have them in the home. If I eat them we don’t kiss for a day or so after and I obvs wash hands and change clothes when I come home.

MIL is BU. I think many people do not understand that food allergies are potentially fatal. They genuinely do not see or care about the risk.

This with bells on.

And another thing OP.. I'd be very careful about eating any MIL offered or cooked because she sounds determined to disbelieve that its a real condition and I wouldn't put it past her to introduce something to the food to prove her point.

What you've been through sounds very serious.

It sounds like your DP is conscientious though.

MIL can fish off.

oh my gosh this is horrendous. those poor, poor teens.

i really feel for kids, like my daughter, who will have to manage dating and relationships with allergies. what a minefield.

YANBU, sounds like your MiL is the controlling one.

MiL is unreasonable.. if people understood the severity of allergies they would think before they speak.
Does she not realise you could be hospitalised or worse .

This is what I was going to say. If you kiss someone who has recently eaten something that you are severely allergic to,it can trigger a reaction.

She has sent me a message telling me I’m too controlling and ‘you can’t tell someone what they can and can’t eat’

Lol. And there she is, telling DH what he can and can’t eat when out with her.

I would text back “It’s DH’s decision. You are too controlling, you can’t tell someone what they can and can’t eat”

She sounds batshit. Even if she feels eye-rolley about it and doesn’t respect her Ds’s response to you being hospitalised as a result of physical contact, who actually sends a message like that to their DIL? Having a tantrum because she wants to have matching plates.

Batshit.

It's not even about the allergy really. To me it's the fact that you two have decided something as a couple (which in my opinion is pretty sensible considering how severely allergic you are) and your mother in law isn't respecting it.

There’s only one controlling person in this situation.

And it’s definitely not you @mermaidproblems

@mermaidproblems I have a severe anaphylaxis reaction to certain peppers and spices including paprika chilli curry etc. I carry epipens etc. Someone else eating it and then talking to me has in the past caused me to have a nasty reaction from traces in the spit that naturally os released when people talk. I work in a building with a restaurant underneath, we share aircon systems and when they are cooking chili I have to take additional meds and ve very careful because it can cause me to become ill.

Dd has an anaphylaxis reaction to citrus fruits, even her friends parents ensure they haven't had it or have it in the house when she is due to go to their house

Your MIl is a twat. You have done nothing wrong.

MIL is being unreasonable.

I have a child who is allergic to peanuts. Dh has not eaten peanuts since he was 11 months old which was when we found out. (He's 15 now). It used to be DH's favourite snack but he switched to cashews without any problem. I often travel for work and will eat peanuts if i have a minimum of 48 hours between the meal and coming home.

Giving up peanuts. or fish. or some other product is trivial compared to what can happen to someone with an anaphylactic allergy.

FWIW I recently tried Aldi's vegetarian battered 'fish'. I truly could not tell the difference.

But anyone who thinks a moment of pleasure on the lips trumps possible death is a fucking moron.

MIL sounds like my Mum - everyone has to do everything her way, even if it means them not enjoying something, because that’s how it’s “meant to be done”. Other people are only allowed to have fun on her terms, which means she sucks the fun out of every situation and then wonders why her family don’t want to spend more time with her!

Your MIL has a cheek calling you controlling when she thinks her stupid social rules are more important than avoiding putting your life at risk, and she’s conveniently ignoring the fact that the total fish avoidance (new band name anyone?!) is her son’s choice. She’s obviously a control freak who is projecting her own shit onto you.

Dh has a nut allergy - I don’t often eat nuts around him because even the sight of them make him feel a bit sick and a little bit panicked but when he’s not around I’ll indulge. I’m happy to be supportive, I’m not happy to be controlled. YANU

Mumsnet is wild. A man doesnt eat fish cos it could literally kill his wife and he’s considerate, a keeper, his mother shoukd be proud of him etc. Other threads a man does some tiny infraction and it’s LTB, I could never ever be married to someone like that, was he always so horrible a partner etc. The standards are either horribly high or horribly low

Your daughter has a different level of reaction to the OP. She's already explained what happened last time, 8 hours after her DH had washed, cleaned his teeth, etc.

I’m with you OP, your MIL is controlling and batshit.

I’m severely allergic to peanuts and react even if someone has eaten some and breathes on me.

When husband and I first started dating, he ate a snickers at lunch and reacted severely later that evening when we kissed. He’s never eaten peanuts when I’m around since then.

My two boys aren’t allergic either but neither will eat peanuts because if they eat them and come into contact with me I react badly.

It’s just common bloody sense that if you live with someone with severe allergies, you avoid those allergens like the plague.

My MIL's one of those, too!

BIL's partner has some significant food allergies, and MIL rolls her eyes when she brings her own food to family events.

Hi op ignore her he is doing this to keep you safe is she trying to stir up trouble for you? I am sure if he really wanted to eat it he would. His mum is being a diva.

It terrifies me how shit some people are with allergies. My mother is coeliac and I’ve seen nurses quite happily serve up weetabix to her in hospital despite the big bloody sign saying gluten free. So I do think general ignorance plays a role in some people’s weird behaviour over food allergies.

Your partner probably has a degree of trauma over causing a reaction in you and doesn’t want to repeat. That is perfectly rational. Your mil demanding he eats the same as her and getting stroppy is the opposite.

I think MIL sounds like she is the one controlling what others eat in a weird way! Why does she need her son to eat what she is eating? Totally bizarre behaviour!

it’s normal and healthy to refrain from doing things that harm other people but it’s very strange to insist on someone eating something when they have good reason not to!

You are not being unreasonable. I carry epi pens and terrified my partner last time, I wasn't even knowingly allergic to the source. When I was diagnosed he immediately and voluntarily gave up the things I am allergic to, including things he loved. If his Mum complained he would set her straight, your partner should tell Old Mother Hubbard she can eat fish and chips with anyone else, anytime. I’m guessing the people saying YABU have never had or seen anaphylaxis, it is terrifying for everyone concerned, I even terrified the medical last time!

She's an absolute bloody idiot then. Does she not realise that your allergy is so severe that cross-contamination has the potential to kill you?