Asking partner not to eat food I’m severely allergic to ?

I prefer white pudding supper myself but becoming rarer to find these days!

She has sent me a message telling me I’m too controlling

My response to this would be to direct her to her son, and I would tell DP to converse with his DM.

I am not taking that rage bait whatsoever.

This with bells on

Sounds like he wasn't as highly allergic as OP then considering she did react 8 hours later so it is a problem.

As someone with an extreme sensitivity to gluten cross contamination I can confidently say OP is most definitely not being unreasonable.

I don’t get all the people saying why does it matter what he eats or what he eats if OP is not there - fish especially is one of those things where it just having been in the room earlier that day - even wrapped up - can cause a reaction in someone with a serious allergy (I know of someone who ended up hospitalised in this very situation).

OP - have you also thought about avoiding cross contamination from doorhandles and anything else he might touch if he does have fish - even if he sleeps in another room and has no contact with you for a day or so?

It's strange that mil has sent this message after 12 years. Perhaps he told her that he really misses being able to have these foods/ wishes he could have some fish/ had a bit of a whinge about it.
She shouldn't have messaged you about it but maybe something was said between them that you don't know about.

Surely him eating fish, when you're not around wouldn't cause you to have a reaction? You must come in contact with people that have eaten fish all the time?

saying that, couldn't he just get a sausage?

I’m not sure why you’re confused. The list of foods has of course been provided by OP, she’s the one allergic to them. Yes his choice is limited - avoid them entirely, or avoid her entirely (for 24 hours) - and he’s made his choice. He can’t just choose to eat them and take no precautions, as she would die, and I think it’s fair for OP to not agree to that arrangement.

He could indeed choose to eat fish and stay at his DMs house, but he doesn’t want to do that, it’s only the MIL who has a problem with him NOT eating fish.

Sounds like it’s his decision not to eat fish, so perhaps he needs to be clearer with his mother about that. The possibility of my partner having a severe reaction would scare me too. I’m usually sympathetic towards MIL’s but on this occasion she’s been an arse to message you like that.

Our DiL has a life threatening peanut allergy. We haven’t had peanuts or any kind of peanut product in our house for 10 years. We’re very careful about eating out and have to ask detailed questions before we book a table anywhere. We all eat from the allergy side of the ktchen. It’s no trouble at all and our gorgeous DiL, who we adore,
is safe. Why would we do it any other way?

Hilarious that the MIL thinks that SHE can control what other people eat by insisting her son eats fish.

Rather bizarre that she thinks you are controlling when she's the one insisting everyone has the same meal as her.

I also have a fish allergy (it's bloody scary) I recently stayed with my sister and BIL. BIL normally cooks himself fish and chips on a friday, I said it was fine as long as no shared utensils/ cooking trays etc (I'm probably less allergic than you and also don't tend to kiss my BIL !) but he said absolutely not, I don't want to risk making you ill, happy to eat something other than fish. That's because he's nice person and wouldn't deliberately set out to harm someone. Unlike your MIL.

MIL is completely out of order regarding the allergy & ridiculous saying that they have to eat the same for it to be ‘proper chip supper’
when we as a family have fish & chips there are at least 3 different choices doesn’t make it any less enjoyable.
For information showering & teeth brushing is not always enough.

A lot of men find this really really tough to grasp but…. When you have a partner then that person comes first. When you have a partner who you live with, maybe even share children with, they are your family and priority. I’m sure they love their mothers very very much but they are grown up men now. Your family is your partner and children. You put them first. Your partner needs to tell his mother to grow up, have respect and to eat her fish and chips without him. It’s that simple. This is a matter of life or death for you, and he needs to be advocating for you and stop being a mummy’s boy. I’ll reserve my comments about his mother because frankly, it’s up to him to deal with her, not you.

You’re not the one being controlling in this situation. Never in my life have I sat down with a group of people having ‘fish and chips’ and the person ordering has assumed we’re all having the same dish. It’s very odd! And to everyone who’s concerned about him never eating fish again he clearly made that choice. No one can force someone into something like that. He found out early on about how severe your allergies were. If he was so bothered about fish he could’ve walked away. He didn’t.. he chose to stay.

So it is MIL trying to control what her adult DS eats. She needs to get a grip.
One of the joys of a chippy supper is everyone can have what they want.

I’m loving all the people who are saying that it should be alright if he brushes his teeth and washes his hands because that was fine for someone they know.
Once you’ve had your airways close up and your mouth so swollen your lips crack and bleed and you’re off work for a week because you can’t get out of bed, then tell me how allergies are not such a big deal.
Really, fuck his mother the nasty bitch, ask her if she is planning on her son being a young widow.

It sounds to me like someone is being controlling and it's not you.

Who insists that the person they're eating with has the same meal as them?

Good job we're not mates then, saves the awkwardness.

MIL should butt out. He’s a grown man and can make his own decisions. How embarrassing that his mother has to get involved.

In this instance, I’m not sure that a general opinion is very useful, as people - including your MIL - can be extremely ignorant about how severe allergies can be. At least you know not to eat at your in-laws any more!

"She has sent me a message telling me I’m too controlling and ‘you can’t tell someone what they can and can’t eat’ "

I'd be forwarding her message to DH. His mother, his problem.

So your MIL wants to control what your partner eats? She's a hypocrite based on her message to you. It's his decision not hers. Maybe be blunt and flat out tell her "my life at risk for a fish supper? nice to know you care ".

Well, MIL could very well use her own advice. She can’t tell someone what to eat! So if your DP choose not to have fish, for whatever reason, then the problem is her.

She sounds batshit and really controlling…nobody in my house orders the same meal ever 😆