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Original poster

DH’s desire for me to play this Stepford wife role is highly misogynistic

279 replies

Dropko · 15/10/2025 15:31

I recently married dh. He is 44 and I’m 31 so there is a bit of an age gap which I think may be part of the problem. We had quite a quick engagement so we are still adjusting in the early stages of our marriage.

Dh co-owns and co-runs a business. Think dentist or vet surgery. There are roughly 30 people who work there.

I really have no need to ever go in. It’s located in a surrounding village that I never need to go to.

Anyway, dh has said it would be nice if I occasionally dropped in and said hello. I said “what for” and DH said it would just be nice to show I care to staff. Given the nature of the business the work can be emotionally draining. But I don’t see how my presence will help in the slightest. Dh gave his business partner’s wife as an example. I personally could never constantly be dropping in the way she does. She’s always baking for the staff and doing coffee drop offs. It’s just not me. She’s also a housewife whilst I work full time and commute into London several times a week. Even if I didn’t work it’s not my personality to be like that. If I was going in I might bring in a treat if it was Easter or something. But I never go in.

I’m a bit miffed. If it was the opposite genders no one would expect the husband to go in and play nice. It’s really bizarre to me. Dh says I don’t want to come across stuck up! Or am I being a bit rude?

My friends say he should buy the staff muffins if he’s so concerned

OP posts:
MostlyHappyMummy · 15/10/2025 18:26

This is so odd that it feels made up. Why on earth would he be asking you to bake for and pop in to see people you don't even know? Like some weird pseudo royal. And even odder, if true, that you haven't just asked him why he's lost his mind.

OneWildandWonderfulLife · 15/10/2025 18:24

I worked for a smallish company, employed about 30, the managing director was trying to get his wife to come in regularly, we suspected he wanted her to start working there so she was on a bit of a charm offensive, homemade cakes etc
One day, in the middle of tea break, the whole of the factory floor quiet, the door was flung open, and we heard her shout ‘Lawrence, I couldn’t park my Mercedes, you re clearly paying the staff far too much if they can all afford cars, now get one of them to move their car and park mine in its place.’
We never saw her at work again.

Perhaps you could try something along these lines😂

Hocuspocus86571 · 15/10/2025 18:24

Urgh I used to work for a place where the wife would frequently come in, everyone absolutely hated it and it very much had the feel of royalty coming to see the peasants 😅 I can’t imagine any staff actually like or want this

Lunde · 15/10/2025 18:22

WhatIfWhatIf · 15/10/2025 17:39

I don't think it's a misogynistic thing.

I used to run a village based business and my husband used to pop in; he'd bring us lunch if we had an all day meeting or pop in to fix things or drop off treats. Not every day or every week but every now and then. He just wanted to show his support for me and what we were doing. It made things feel friendly at work and it made me feel like he cared about what I did, about the business and about me.

And I've done the same for him when he's been running businesses because I want to support him too. Ultimately, our family benefits from his business and I want him to feel, and I want to feel, like we're in it together - the business and life.

Yeah but OP is working full time and commuting - so it's not like she is passing or in the area - she'd have to use annual leave.

Would you have wanted your DH to pop in if he didn't want to? If he was working an hour away?

KateShugakIsALegend · 15/10/2025 18:22

How about he does it for your work first?

Homemade cakes and a trip to the office to glad hand everyone.

He can show you how it is done.

LarrySherbert · 15/10/2025 18:22

BatchCookBabe · 15/10/2025 16:54

Oh this would do my head in. Reminds me of some years ago... When DH and I were out and about in the town he works in (it's 12 miles from where we live,) he used to say 'I'm just popping into work.' I would say 'why?' Confused He'd say 'just for a chat with Becky/Dave/Cath/John' (whoever was in that afternoon.) 2-3 times a month he did it!!!

I'd say 'do we have to? Is it that important?!' He'd say 'I'm only going to be 5 minutes.' We'd go in and it was always fucking 20-30 minutes! And it would be about nothing! I would stand there like a spare part, whilst he chatted to his work colleague. Drivelling on about work, the manager, a certain colleague they disliked, and all sorts of bollocks that I had no interest in. They would chat to me now and again - but just passing the time/being polite.

When we left, DH would say 'you should ask Cath if she wants to go out for a drink with you,' and I'd say 'why?!' He'd say 'oh she likes you, she thinks you're fun.' I thought 'I don't even know her.' I said 'err I'll pass ta.' Hmm

One woman he worked with lived 2-3 miles from us, and he said 'you ought to go round to Becky's with a bottle of wine.' I was like Confused Then his said 'I'll take you and come back for you after 3-4 hours.' I was like Confused 'errrrr, no thanks.' He was puzzled as to why I didn't want to mix and socialise with HIS colleagues.

Got to the point where I started saying 'I will stay in the car!' Doesn't do it now thank fuck! But he did it for 4-5 years!

Just keep saying no @Dropko He will get bored of asking!

God, how tiresome. 😬 I almost feel like cringing myself inside out just thinking about you standing around like that for half an hour being bored rigid.

MagnaICe · 15/10/2025 18:20

mirrorsandlights · 15/10/2025 17:54

This is nonsense and so patronising towards the staff.

Edited
Show quote history

If my boss wife whom I have never seen flounced next to me and offered me cake, plus telling me who she is, I would be raising my eye brows and would ask her: is everything all right

BoudiccaRuled · 15/10/2025 18:19

Assuming this is a GP surgery, I can only imagine the eye-rolling that goes on behind the back of the other partner's wife!

Lunde · 15/10/2025 18:17

ldnmusic87 · 15/10/2025 17:26

I think he's living in the 1930s

Actually my (late) dad was born in 1924 and my mum never did anything like this. She would turn up at the Christmas dinner/party if partners were invited but never "popped in".

My (late) ex FIL was born in 1930 and was a small business owner in a posh market town and exMIL never did anything like this. She'd attend drinks or the party (organised by his secretary). I think once she sent mince pies but didn't accompany them but put them in a tin and gave them to FIL to deliver.

canklesmctacotits · 15/10/2025 18:16

The weirdest thing about all this is that you haven’t had an open conversation with your DH about your perfectly reasonable thoughts on the matter. Why are you expecting him to get hints or realise or drop it? Why hasn’t the conversation gone, “it would be great if you popped in with some muffins and said hi to the staff from time to time!” followed by “erm, no thanks, that’s beyond weird and not something I’d ever do!”. It’s not difficult Confused

Uptightmumma · 15/10/2025 18:16

Are you named on the business in anyway for tax purposes?

RabbitsEatPancakes · 15/10/2025 18:13

I've worked in small companies like this and they have all had family dropping in- owners mum and dad at one place uses to come in and knew all of us. I think it's to create a sense of family and co pany morale rather than bland office vibe.

If all he wants you to do is stop in with some costco pastries and say hi then it's hardly any effort. Why wouldn't you do it?

Different if he's asking you to get a blow dry and put heels and a dress on and spend the morning baking yourself.

MagnaICe · 15/10/2025 18:12

AppropriateAdult · 15/10/2025 17:09

Honestly, OP, from your thread title I thought there'd be a lot more to it than this one request he's made of you. I mean, it doesn't sound like he's actually asked you to bake for his staff, or anything like it - he's just suggested you pop in, and you've inferred all this other stuff based on what his partner's wife does. It does make you sound as if you feel it's all rather beneath you.

It seems like he's proud of his business, and wants to show it off to you - and is also proud to have you as his wife, and wants to show you off a little too. None of that sounds very terrible. For what it's worth, a few years ago my husband became a partner in the business in which he'd been an employee previously, and it has definitely changed my relationship with the business in a subtle way - as his wife I feel a sense of ownership in it too, as obviously its success affects us as a family, and I have much more interest in how the employees are getting on and any issues that might arise. It doesn't mean I've tied an apron on and asked everyone how they take their tea!

If you really or other mens in business wives, that interested in staff well being, why you get millions but staff nmw? Also why you don't care but do turn overs each year

NewBrightonEel · 15/10/2025 18:12

I've worked in a couple of places where the bosses wife nipped in. I couldn't care less but a lot of people took it negatively - like she was coming in to lord it over everyone. For all you know the staff may see it this way but your husband and his partner and wife don't realise it.

tarheelbaby · 15/10/2025 18:12

I worked for a M to L independent business. The boss' DW (who had a small PT role) and DD often baked a cake over a weekend and it then appeared in the staff kitchen with an encouraging message ('thank you for all you do' - 'only X weeks to Christmas'). Awkwardly, the cakes were not the right size/composition to be shared easily - not a sheet cake or bars or mini-muffins or similar.
The best I could fathom, the DD and her mum, who were both lovely, liked baking together (never her DDad, the actual boss...) but understandably the boss and his DW didn't want to eat cake non-stop. Or maybe the lovely mum suggested, 'Let's bake a cake for the Cratchetts!'

Homegrownberries · 15/10/2025 18:07

Maybe he sees it as more of a family business. It would be be weird for you to go into his work if he worked for someone else but maybe not so weird when it's his own business.

NannyOggsScones · 15/10/2025 18:05

Are you his first wife OP? My first thought was he wants to show off the new younger model! Either way it’s weird.

Chazbots · 15/10/2025 18:03

It's wifework really. Nope, don't start...

I think I'd wait before you have DC and see how things develop, if you are thinking of starting a family. Seems a bit on the controlling side to me (and I'm pretty controlling) and to keep going on about it, a tad coercive.

Ygfrhj · 15/10/2025 18:01

Play along, if he hits the big time you can do a McKenzie Bezos

Aluna · 15/10/2025 17:58

Is this not as much about country life as anything? It’s the kind of thing people get up to as there’s nothing to do.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 15/10/2025 17:57

Namechange822 · 15/10/2025 15:47

Why don’t you ask him to pop into your workplace with homemade treats for your team and see what happens? If he willingly does it with no weirdness, this is just a difference of opinion. If he refuses then it’s misogyny!

Exactly what I was going to say!

Missj25 · 15/10/2025 17:57

Dropko · 15/10/2025 15:55

Dh does say things like blah blah was asking after to you. I’ve met this woman twice. It’s just so unnecessary. I don’t see how me coming into say hello/how are things changes anything. My mere presence boosting morale is actually hilarious to me!

Ah maybe he just wants to show off his beautiful new bride & what’s wrong with that OP ☺️
He’s not going to say “ babe will call into work so everyone can meet you cause I think you’re fab “ 🤷🏻‍♀️ 😊

enkelt2 · 15/10/2025 17:55

Look, OP, we don't need to do psychoanalysis here. The simple fact is, you don't have to do it if you don't want to. This is a totally unreasonable request, misogynistic or not.

Greenfinch7 · 15/10/2025 17:54

I don't think sneering at someone who likes to drop in on a small family business and share homemade things is particularly liberating to anyone. I don't think that occasionally visiting and supporting your husband is twee or anti-feminist in itself, even if done homemade muffins in hand.

mirrorsandlights · 15/10/2025 17:54

NoisyMonster678 · 15/10/2025 15:51

Your DH may be wishing you would lift staff morale, it seems like he is also doing his best but you may be better going in with a positive attitude, if you choose to because being miffed about it is counter-productive.

Just look at it a different way, helping your DH's business which is great for both of you.

This is nonsense and so patronising towards the staff.

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