My poor boy

Does your child act out violently?
My daughter nearly had her cheek ripped off by a girl with additional needs in nursery. She still has scars in year one. Suffice to say the girl was excluded from parties.

Sending support. Mum of two ND boys. Their circles are small and parties and playdates few and far between especially in the early years of primary.
It does get better over the years. They take longer to form friendships and its harder to hold onto them but it does get better.

Just wanted to send you a message OP, my son is also diagnosed with Autism and is the loveliest, sweetest boy, I know he can have moments where he struggles. He’s year 1 but is staying in his class as he needs some extra support.
I would also feel extremely sad for my son too, if he hadn’t been invited to a party. Whilst he may not know he hasn’t been invited, it’s heartbreaking when all the others come out with envelopes and full of excitement.

just wanted to send a message and say you aren’t alone 💜

It's really shitty on the part of the parent that excluded him. I would judge them hard. Either they made the decision he couldn't come, or their child said they didn't want him to come and they didn't take it as a teaching opportunity about how xxxxx will feel if he's the only one not invited, and how some people's brains are different and you need to try a tiny bit harder to get to know them.

Sending love. I'd feel the same. I like the schools that have a policy of 'whole class invites only' if they're handed out at school, to avoid this.

I don’t do parties for my kids in reception for this very reason - I don’t want to have to invite the whole class when I’m well aware there is a number of children with “challenging” behaviour who would either be left out or I’d feel like I had to invite

parents are often desensitised to their kids behaviour - you say yourself OP he is a sweet lovely boy but then go on to say his behaviour at school is being openly talked about by other children therefore clearly there is behaviour issues at school which you need to address with his teachers and find out what’s going on?

I honestly feel for you but wonder if the 'deep down' means that at school his behaviour can be challenging?
I came on here to ask this.
There was a hold in ds class years ago that was adhd/and and we invited him to ds party. It was an absolute nightmare. It was at a child friendly venue and one parent stayed.
He went into crisis and threw the food off the table, hit the other kids ran away and was shouting at every one.
His mum kept saying he was kind deep down.
Ds asked if he could come to ours as the child didnt have many friends abd ds loked him . I gave him chance and had him for tea on a 1:1 and again it was a disaster. I won't go into reasons why but even ds who even now is tolerant and gentle said no more.

From ops perspective it is incredibly difficult watching your child be different and left out.

If he struggles getting out of class at the same time as the other children the chances are very high he would greatly struggle in a room with a bunch of caked out youngsters running mental and screaming. That’s the reality of children’s parties - I’m a grown adult with ASD and can’t handle them myself. If it’s at a soft play or anything similar I imagine it would be a lot worse. Theres a good chance the parent hasn’t included them because it would be even crueler for your DS to get an invite then be told realistically it isn’t the best place for them.

It's highly unusual and counter to best practice guidelines to diagnose ADHD below the age of 6 in the uk.

It's a shame. But does your child hit other children and/or is generally badly behaved.

At our local primary school, only whole class invitations are allowed to be handed out at school.

he shouldn’t have been diagnosed with ADHD at age 4, regardless of whether you went private. NICE guidelines are minimum age 6, as lots of behaviour before then are typical child behaviours.

I am sorry op @Sawit12

do you have a reception whats app group? I have a boy in reception too. I would just message saying it has been brought to your attention that only your boy wasn’t invited, you really hope it is misunderstanding or some false information but if its not its nasty and cruel. Let all the parents see the true colours of those parents who didnt invite ur boy

Im sorry that really is shit and the parents of the child whos party it is should be ashamed of themselves for excluding one child.

Not the point of the thread

If your sons behaviour is to the extent its making multiple 4 yr olds talk about it to their parents, and you’ve randomly heard it multiple times, I’m guessing the behaviour is a real challenge.

My question then, would be why the teacher hasn’t raised this with you directly in the 6 weeks he’s been at school!? Not good enough of them.

I would set up a meeting with the teacher to understand what’s been going on, how your child’s behaviour has been, what they’re doing to support him, and what impact it has on the class.

YANBU to feel hurt he’s been excluded and I do find it odd that he’s being excluded by parents so early on. I think it rings a red flag that it’s not all going well at school and the teacher needs to improve their communication with you.

How has he been diagnosed with ADHD at 4?

I can’t fathom a parent who would exclude ONE child in a class from a party. My son had ND children in reception (still does). No way would they have been excluded. If 10/11 children have been invited that is incredibly mean IMO

My DS is the same, it's awful because he's always excluded.

He loves birthdays. He really enjoys family parties.

We threw him a birthday party at a soft play, got 10 RSVP yes responses, booked for 15 just in case anybody brought siblings, and only 2 people turned up.

Then not long after, one of the school mums had the absolute gall to tell me that she'd invited most of the class (not DS though) and hardly anybody turned up to her precious DD's birthday party. I just said "Oh yeah, it's shit when that happens." Not made eye contact with me since.

My suggestion would be play dates with individual children so he can build up one on one relationships. His behaviour is likely to be calmer (and you are there to support him/intervene!) and it means the other child is more likely to view him as a friend and someone to be invited.

That's heart breaking, parenthood really opens your heart to these things and I dread this element of school life for my two year old. It really should be only full class gets invites or the oarwnts can invite the parents of kids they want to invite privately.

I know in the real world this sort of thing is part and parcel of being in the world, but schools should aim to be something more of a utopia especially in reception. Invite all or noone. Is there a chance it'd a mistake and he's misplaced the invite?

I completely understand the hurt OP. This may seem basic (but I didn't realise at first) that those that you invite to your son's party usually invite back next year. So if you have a class party - probably more invites next year. I hope things get better soon - and remember school doesn't have to be the only source of friends. We had better luck with clubs because the kids are then usually interested in the same thing which is a good start.

Oh, OP. My heart hurts for you. It is so, so painful. Hopefully he'll get some invitations after you have a party in February for him. Sending a hug and some empathy. xx