My poor boy

It’s heartbreaking isn’t it, but it’s something you’ll need to get used to. It does happen a lot I’m afraid, to most children. There are all sorts of reasons your ds may have been excluded, not associated with his nd. My DS was excluded once, I had no idea and had taken him for a session at the soft play and ended up bumping into the party. I was upset, but ds was ecstatic, he got to play with his best friend, who had been invited and he didn’t have to stop playing for the ‘stupid food’, his words. Later, I was told, the birthday boy wanted to play with my son’s best friend, so my son was excluded. He’d been upset that ny son turned up, oops! I honestly had no idea it was happening, we were only there by chance.

I’m so sorry about this. My daughter didn’t get an invite to a whole year party that I think was accidental, 2 forms due to twins birthday, several kids with the same name etc. I didnt want to be that parent and ask but I immediately just said oh we can’t go as we are already doing xxx and it was like ok! Obviously we did the xxx so it didn’t become an issue. You have to play it right for you but don’t let it consume you as it can be really disheartening.

It's awful OP, I'm so sorry that's happened to him. I hope the rest of the class include him in their parties.

DD1 is in year 2 now, there is a little boy in her class who has asd and needs 1:1 support in class. He has always come along to the whole class parties DD goes to, and we have always invited him- his mum supports him and unless it's something that really doesn't suit him (there was a swimming one he wasn't at) he seems to have a great time, and would be sadly missed like any other friend if he couldn't make it. I can't understand why someone would leave out any child if inviting them all.

Yes, it absolutely is, when it happens on their watch.

They have no say in who invites who, but they are under no obligation whatsoever to facilitate the kids' leisure time. This is for parents to arrange.

Oh, I really sympathise. My autistic DS went to mainstream school before later changing to special school and we got a lot of this. Before DS learned to communicate by typing he used sign language and I once heard one dad adamantly telling the teacher that he didn't want his child learning any signs to communicate with DS as "he [his child] is not one of those".

Ok consultant specialist. Thanks for your input. 🙄

Could he had dropped it in the class before being let out?

I posted to soon and to follow on from my 12:50 post, although things were extremely difficult it didnt end with all doom and gloom. The child transferred schools and found his people. From there he had a group of friends that he socialised with and found his stride.
He has been to plenty of parties since and has had parties himself ( with ds invited!)

Is there a possibility of a mistake? Anyone you could ask?

I'm so sorry to hear this. I don't know how people can live with themselves excluding one or two kids for an early years party, I really don't. I'd feel awful.
We were very lucky that all the kids and parents at my ND DDs primary were wonderfully accepting, and by the time the kids were older and having smaller parties where they would choose the friends to attend themselves, when she didn't get invited, we could explain/reason with her and point out to her that most of the class weren't going anyway.
Our local primary doesn't allow party invites to be handed out on school grounds if the whole class isn't invited- they will happily put invites in bags for the very young ones if its a younger class- and I think this is a good policy.

two things to check:

1. it hasn't been misplaced, I once got accussed of leaving a child out but it was a whole class party (invites handed out by the teachers) and theirs had gotten lost, they WHERE invited just like they always had been. It was easily cleared up and they did end up coming to the party.

2. that you have authorized contact, in my kids school you now have to tick a box to receive any 'non school' handouts. Its usually with all the authorizations for photos, been taken on school trips, names been mentioned in new letters etc...

All schools I know have a blanket policy so if you dont invite EVERYONE they wouldn't had out invites, schools don't allow exclusions and bullying.

We thought something was weird last year as my daughter didn't get invited to any parties through the year until she got invited to 3 right after her birthday (at the very end of the year). I thought maybe the other kids dont like her.

Found out this year from the birth day chart in the class room that nearly the whole class have end of school year or summer holiday birthdays which is mad really but between September and end of May theres only like 7 birthdays (2 months dont have even a single birthday in them) and then there is like 15 birthdays through June/July/August.

It could be people making assumptions, often out of fear and ignorance.

One of my DC friends at this age had Downs and behaviour could need a bit more support than average. Her DM very smartly said early in the first year that the DC enjoyed parties but she would need to accompany her for a few years yet due to her needs. That instantly cancelled out any unspoken concerns about caring for a child with extra needs at a party.

I can't understand why you would leave one child out. My daughter had a couple of children with special needs in her class and they were always welcome and their parents always stayed in case of any issues. I'm so sorry you're little boy has been left out

I’m sorry OP it sucks. As you say, the good thing is your DS is unaware.

I too am surprised the school haven’t said anything.

I think you need to be brave and ask for a meeting, say you’ve heard X and Y comments and seen he wasn’t invited when everyone else was - what is he doing in school to get these reactions? It won’t be a nice meeting for you but you can’t help him unless you know what is happening.

He also ought to be working with the school Senco or Sen team to help with his emotional control, impulsiveness, sensory needs etc. Is that happening, sounds like it isn’t?

In your own head I think play the long game. Accept that party invites and playdates may be thin on the ground for now and family based stuff is where it’s at. (In fact when my DC was left out of parties I used to try to organise something else at the same time so that if they asked, I could tell them “well you couldn’t have gone as we’re doing X on Saturday”).

But hopefully when he is 7/8 things may look up as he matures. Are there multiple forms and do the classes get mixed up at some point? This can be a real boon for kids whose social skills develop slower as it gives them a fresh start.

This happened to my son all the time in primary school ( he was diagnosed with dyspraxia at 7 and was definitely ‘different’ from his peers - no good at sport, very articulate, cautious and reserved in social situations. He is now 24 with an amazing group of friends and a great social life. I still remember how much it hurt at that time though.

Perhaps have a chat with his teacher and find out who he pays with or alongside and have a little Halloween tea party over half term? A chance to break the ice with the parents too over a cuppa and cake at home.

Sending love to you and your DS.

My kid went through this. I hired a hall for his birthday and invited the whole class and got bouncy castle and games and food and party bags etc etc. did everything I could to make people want to come. One RSVP said they were busy no one else bothered to rsvp. one child turned up. My son never got over it has refused to do anything for his birthday ever since.

I have similar with my DD. I basically but her friends I pay for zoo trips and expensive outings to get others to want to come. No one has ever returned an invite. No one ever wants to come for just a home play date.

my ds I could understand as he’s clearly very different and his behaviour may seem scary for the other children but dd is high masking and desperately seeking approval always going out her way to help and be kind etc. she just gets used and rejected or made fun of.

People are so cruel.

As a mum to a daughter with additional needs, I really feel for you and your DS.

Is it usual to allow children to give out party invites when the whole class is not invited? Also, shame on that child's mum for not including the whole class of 12 people, regardless of your DS behaviour!

That is very thoughtless of the parents. The parents should have messaged parents individually or formed a private Whatsapp group for their party if they didn't want to invite the whole class. That is what the parents in all my DC's classes have done.

NICE guidelines consider rationing as well as medical evidence. The OP is correct, for severe cases there is a strong case for earlier assessment before a key period of development is “lost” waiting for budgets to catch up.

See also NICE guidelines for grommets.

Oh behave. Teachers will often help out parents hand out birthday invites. It's not for the school to police who gets an invite and who does not.

On the day take him out for a lovely treat. Perhaps if he does have a friend that isn't going to the party ask his or her parent if the friend would like to join you. Make that day a bit special for him outside of the party.

I know, it can be heart breaking for us, but it might help you to remember that at that age they don't always look at it in the same way, even if they're NT. One of my DSs didn't get many invitations, and he was matter of fact about it, and he did get some eventually. Perhaps if your DS has a party he might get some reciprocity, but while some parents are on the ball with that, others aren't, and there's a lot of asymmetry. A nice memory is when one child requested a party for the whole class, so children who hadn't had many got at least one. That was yr 3 or 4. Hope your son gets some soon, but try not to let it get to you.

Sympathies! It's tough and it used to make me cry, but missing out on parties isn't necessarily as awful as we might think.

It felt tragic when my bright, creative and funny ASD son didn't get party invites from his school class mates.
But raucous, busy, 'sporty' or noisy activities were never his thing tbf.

As long as your boy makes 1 or 2 friends at school he'll do OK.