My poor boy

I'd speak to the school OP. Deliberately leaving just one person our, in front of them, is bullying behaviour. If he saw or could have seen the invites going out then that's bullying happening on school premises and the school need to be made aware and put in place something to stop it happening again (eg remind parents not to send out invitations on school premises unless it's to the whole class).

This is assuming that he is being left out because he is different. If he has been violent ot aggressive to other children then it may not be bullying if they're just trying to ensure their children keep safe

Honestly my children were about aged 10 before they even realised that other children had additional needs or any noticeable differences.

One time I asked my daughter at that age what someone looked like and she said ‘she wears the same clothes as me, and has eyebrows’

But he's not a bully. There's never an excuse for leaving out one child. I'd just have a smaller party rather than do that. But then I'm autistic so I'd be a bit more empathetic.

Sorry i quoted the wrong post. It was supposed to be the one you were responding to

Because I was quoting you.

You can tell me to "piss off" all you like but it won't get your child an invite to a party.

I think you are well aware of how your child's behaviour is perceived, but you don't really seem to care.

And if all the parents give supporting messages to the party organiser parents......what then?

As sad as situations like these are, I believe children/parents should be able to choose who they want to invite. What if there’s a bully in a class, should the child be forced to invite them too? Not to mention the cost of inviting the whole class.

I agree with this. I can’t see how his behaviour could be so obvious from all the other 4 year olds to the extent he is not being invited to things. Definitely speak to the school urgently about this.

exactly this!! 12 kids in a class, this is just hurtful beyond words! What is going through that parents mind to exclude ANY child out of 12. Words fail me!

Could his "sensory seeking" be overwhelming to other children? Could it make them worried or anxious?

I understand why you are upset, but I don't really think you are considering how your child's behaviour could be making other children not want to be around him.

I haven't read the full thread but OP I would be very careful about who you invite to DS's party in case they don't turn up. That would be even more upsetting and more obvious to DS.

I've got two autistic DS's (both very different) so I know what it's like.

Oh god don’t do this!

They already know it’s not kind.

OP, I think you should speak to his teacher to see how his behaviour has been in school, especially as you’ve heard other children talking about it. It may be the child asked not to invite your son because they’ve had issues in class with him. It might help to know what’s actually going on.

In my experience….the teachers didn’t tell me if a ND child hurt my child. In pre school/reception they seem to hide behind the fact that formal diagnoses are not made until age 6….so chalk it up to standard 4 year old behaviour of kicking/hitting/biting …when most of us know our kids and know when it’s not….if I asked my child about an accident form that was sent they’d say “no that’s not what happened it was so and so” ….one then tried to throttle my 4 year old and targeted them and the teacher had no choice but to tell me…the finger marks were a giveaway! I wrote a formal letter requesting that they never be placed in this kids class again. Incidentally they are never at the class parties either

my Point was less to do with your kid or their sen. More about the fact that if the birthday kid doesn’t particularly like/want to be around your son and gives their parents a bad impression of your son like you say, it makes sense that the birthday kid or the birthday parent may want to avoid inviting your son. It’s nit fair not invite a whole class save one kid, but maybe this is their angle.
or maybe it was a simple thing like someone forgot to hand it to him or he didn’t want to hold a paper right then? You can ask the teacher.

This is going to become more and more of an issue in the future. Its astonishing how many children are being diagnosed/self diagnosed with ADHD SEN issues. Without going into debates on that subject, these children are being forced into mainstream education that really, are ill equipped and under funded to deal with it and its the majority of the school children and teachers who pay the price.

There is a huge thread elsewhere that highlights how this can be dangerous to the other children at its most extreme.

This is just the next stage of parents protecting their children from the impact.

DD was always left out of parties (she has autism) even when her ‘best friend’ had them. It’s so hurtful and carried on for years. DD is now a young adult, and Understands her difficulties. She is good at choosing her friends and has a lovely small group of them.

You say you have heard comments but the school hasnt brought anything up.

Why dont you go into the school and speak to them.

A good few years ago a friend of my son who was 6 at the time invited a child who had challenging behaviour. Or his parents did. Sadly what happened was that this child was dropped off by parent who then left.

The child had a complete melt down, tried to attack the cake and the buffet and the parents had to try and call the parent to come and assist. Parent didnt answer the phone.

In the end my late Mum who had been a Infant school teacher took him right away from the party and sat with him. The birthday child was in floods of tears as was the parents of the child.

At the end of the party when parent came back my Mum came over with child and said gently there had been some concerns and the Mum said he sometimes behaves like this but she hoped he had enjoyed himself.

So, I am not saying at all this would happen with you but I am wondering if you can speak to some friendly parents and indicate that of course you would attend etc

i might get in trouble for saying this but in my experience young boys are all able to be like they have neurodivergence up until about 8 years old.
(I know the thing is with ADHD is that it’s all the time and I think you didn’t the right thing getting him diagnosed so early.)

What I’m trying to say is that one bad night sleep, one overwhelm, one ‘no mc Donald’s , one removal of Lego, and honestly ALL young boys are all completely crackers and liable to lose the plot at any moment until they are older. I very much doubt it’s your son’s behaviour that caused this, because any boy of that age can act out of control and hyped up at any time.

Just to get to my point: There is no way your son would be standing out at this stage, in my opinion. There is no way another child would notice it after 2 months.

And I don’t think a parent would leave just one child out of a party either. Is there something else going on here that you left out?

I think they should definitely get the chance to try. There’s a non-verbal autistic child in my child’s class. They came to DS’s party for a bit, had a little play and then Mum took them home before they got overwhelmed.

So if the kid is reacting like this, I’d expect he wouldn’t want your son at his party.

Absolutely agree. Whole class, or all the girls, or all the boys, or no more than 10 from the class.

Are you in a class WhatsApp group? Have people been generally welcoming?

It's hard to see your child excluded regardless of their neuro diversity or not as the case may be. Doubly so when it is so early in their school career and that exclusion has little justification.

I would focus on building some relationships with other children and be totally open and transparent with other parents and children on what he enjoys, can cope with and is utterly intolerant of. It's really helpful as a parent to understand what coping mechanisms other parents have for SEND, serious allergies, etc that will allow me to include them in as full a way as possible. AND to ensure that my children do the same

Before DS learned to communicate by typing he used sign language and I once heard one dad adamantly telling the teacher that he didn't want his child learning any signs to communicate with DS as "he [his child] is not one of those".

Absolutely disgusting behaviour from that dad.