My poor boy

I’d agree with you here, my little boy had an incident in his second week of reception and the teacher pulled me up on it that same day, it’s their responsibility to! Ignore the comments even trying to justify your little boy being excluded, it’s obviously not as rare as we’d like to think that people who lack total empathy really do exist, more often than we’d like to imagine! So what if you’re boy is a little different, absolutely NO excuse for not inviting him in such a small class, I’m honestly lost for words!

All you can do is take comfort from the fact that lots of us have been there too and we all know how fecking miserable it feels. We had this when dd started reception - no rhyme or reason why and she absolutely knew. It was heartbreaking - but on the bright side as long as you are pragmatic and sensible they get used to it & learn to ignore.

That’s really mean. School should pick up on it. I’d understand if there were 10 people invited and 10 that weren’t but to invite everybody and not 1-3. That’s unfair. See if you can speak to the class teacher and talk to her about it. Maybe they can talk to parents to empathise and think before they invite people/isolate people. There needs to be a change.

I completely understand and remember the heartbreak well.

This happens so often and my ds (asd) was so often excluded or kids didn't rsvp or rsvpd but didn't show.

My son genuinely wasn't challenging in his behaviour he just wasn't one of the cool kids.

My own strategy was to identify mums who either had kids who had struggles too or would at least be polite enough to follow through on responses.

I would hire a bouncy castle and had parties in my garden and invited the whole class so it wasn't especially evident if people didn't show up.

I made sure to invite some sympathetic older children who were children of my friends so I could guarantee some attendees.

I personally think mainstream can be a curse and am very glad I sent him to a SpLd secondary school.

Of course he is op. This is a reflection of those children (well actually their parents) and NOT your ds.

Most reception parties invite everybody, because, while it is true they will eventually have to get used to it, this is a very early age to be expected to - especially with such a small class.

I'm really sorry: it sounds like the mum is a bit shitty tbh. Maybe the other parents will have a bit more kindness and conscience.

Just choose something lovely to do that day and make sure he goes to bed having had a special day. When push comes to shove, he has a loving mummy and that's what every little child most needs.

YANBU My son with ASD is an adult now. I still get upset thinking about those early years of school. The parties he didn't get invited to, the school events he wasn't included in. It's easy for others to talk about costs and logistics, but until you've consistently been the parent of the left out child, you'll never know the pain. It kind of ties in with the post about what parents spend DLA on. I took my boy on so many days out to theme parks etc, to make up for the fact he never got invites. Never had a sleepover or got invited to play at friends houses. The day of the party, take him somewhere fun and give him a lovely day.

I wondered the same.

If OP is as abrasive as she’s been to some posters, it’s hardly surprising that another parent wouldn’t want to “pull her up” on her sons behaviour

Empathy.

One of my DS's who is autistic and ADHD also had very few birthday invites (and oh how he loved a party ). When it was his birthday he always wanted a big party like his older siblings had.

It really stings. And there's nothing you can do. It gets easier as parties decrease in size as the children progress through school.

Do find the children who like your child, invite them to tea/play. Grow those relationships.

The mum should have removed him from the party as soon as he started being disruptive.
I agree and to be fair she tried but it became chaotic and quite distressing.

It took time but as ive said in a later post he found his gang through a special needs school and everything changed for the better for him

Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately there's not much you can do about it though. I would just make a fuss of him on the day of the party and take him somewhere fun he would like. My son has suspected autism but is only 2 years old, I fear we have this to come as well one day.

All the best to you and your boy.

Why not take him for a nice day out instead?

This is awful, your poor son. Those parents should be ashamed - in reception it should be a class party or one or two others.

I would assume there's been a mistake and speak to their mum. I refuse to believe anyone is this cruel to a 4 year old

YANBU at all, I feel for your boy, he’s only tiny and it’s just awful to see any child excluded like this. With twelve kids in the class - and them having just started reception - I think it’s totally wrong of this mum to hand out invites at school to a party where not everyone is invited. Not the done thing at all ant my kids school where everyone either does whole class parties or invites a small group - my DD prefers small parties so I just invite their friends by messaging the parents over WhatsApp - handing out invites like this to only a few of the kids just feels unkind. I agree with PP that I’m surprised the school aren’t communicating with you more about behaviour and social challenges, or that a teacher would get involved in this invitation nonsense. They should be doing better.

Yrs ago a child requested a whole class party instead of a present. This child had Aspergers, so I wonder if he'd been left out before, and so was more empathetic because of it.

Have you considered that you're the problem? Maybe if you're coming across this way at school then parents have decided they don't want you at the party.

It's awful to discover that your child has been left out. But you really do have to acknowledge that other four year olds don't have the ability and awareness to understand that your boy is lovely 'deep down'.

I don't like whole class parties in general because a) no small child should have to invite any child/ren who hurts them/bullies them/whose behaviour they can't manage, on their birthday and b) no small child should have to be the only one left out.

At this stage I agree that carefully managed play dates are the way to go, so that the other children get to know your son on an individual basis, so that they see who he is and become comfortable around his behaviours. Once they see him that way, they will become more accepting, hopefully, and the invitations will start to arrive.

All I am saying, and have said throughout this thread, is that I think you need to be more honest with yourself on how your child may be acting in class.

You are understandably upset he has been excluded. You are not considering that the reason he may have been excluded is because other children are worried about his behaviour. (As you have heard from other children).

The mum should have removed him from the party as soon as he started being disruptive.

You definitely need to speak to the school and see if there have been any incidents or if the other children have said anything.
I'd be concerned that his school experience in general isn't all roses, if this is intentional and not just a mistake.

But surely the child whose birthday it is should be allowed autonomy of choice over who they want (and more importantly) don’t want to attend their party?

I understand it must feel horrible for the child who’s left out, but if either of my kids had said to me adamantly that they didn’t want X there, I wouldn’t force them.

OP; It’s all well and good saying that he’s a lovely boy “deep down” (and I’m sure he is!), but you’ve identified that his behaviour can be challenging. If it’s already reached the stage that other classmates are pointing him out to their parents, I’m not surprised that they don’t want to risk the potential disruption or having the party ruined.

I would use this opportunity to approach the teacher and have an open and honest conversation about how he’s getting on in class, what his peer relationships are like etc.

Of course there is. In life, if i dont like someone i dont have anything to do with them. Its not beyond a 4 year old who has had bad interactions with the OP's son to say to their parents "I dont want such and such invited".

That is a simple fact of life