My poor boy

I’m sorry…what?

Why though? I don’t understand your aggressive responses at all. Your son isn’t upset - he has no idea he hasn’t been invited to anything. This seems to be entirely about you, not him.

“He’s simply sensory seeking but whatever”

Ok but you heard another kid saying he jumps and throws things. Throwing things may be for sensory reasons but obviously it could hurt someone or at least be scary for other kids. So it’s unfortunately not the same as a sensory seeking kid who just chews his sleeves or fidgets.

I do think you need to find out more about his behaviour in school, so you can help him find alternative sensory outlets that aren’t going to get him in trouble or put off other kids.

I am not saying his behaviour justifies being left out of the party by the way, that’s a separate issue, this is about how you and school help him going forward.

If it's at a playcentre, the venue probably make you pay for a minimum number, say 10. The parents will have said 'name 9 kids you want to invite' and written down the first 9 names. They could be charged up to £25 per extra child after that so will want to keep numbers down. If the birthday kid went to nursery with a load of other classmates but not your kid they would have mentioned these kids first. This could be why.

What behaviour is it specifically that is sensory seeking but you feel might be upsetting to others in his class?

To you it’s obvious and maybe even to other adults, in my experience other children don’t really notice it at all until much older.

if this little boy is only in school for 7 weeks so far, and it’s already so noticeable to all the other 4 year olds, to the extent that he is being singled out as the only one not invited, then she definitely reds to talk to the school urgently.

OP is upset. Her son isn’t - he’s unaware and doesn’t feel excluded.

I think they mean the language you are using. You are being aggressive and very defensive.

If my son’s behaviour was as bad as some of you are claiming, then I’m sure the teacher would have pulled me up or even some parents. Maybe teach your child to not be such we arses. Some of you are pissing me off with your faux advice

Teacher here and I honestly hate when this happens. I have often been handed a pile of invites to hand out… I will only put them in trays - so as not to make it obvious to anyone not invited. I just wish that parents would stop this - teachers are not there for party admin FFS. It does make me so sad when parties are spoken about and some children realise they were not invited. It also makes me sad when some children have no one attend their party because everyone was busy that weekend…

This invite situation is really bad form, if it’s not a whole class party, you invite the kids privately. We’ve done whole class parties where I know naughty or aggressive children will be invited (ND or not) and you just keep a close eye on them and keep intervening.

The balanced view though is that if your son has upset the birthday child, and they don’t like him or want him at their party, that’s also a difficult choice for the parents.

The school will not tell other parents what any diagnosis of your child is, they will have no idea and can only go on what their own 4yr old is telling them.

If your son is exhibiting behaviour that is upsetting, annoying, or crosses the boundaries of the other children then they have every right not to invite him to their own private birthday party. It doesn’t matter what the reason for that behaviour is.

An important lesson here is- no one is entitled to an invite.

Karma ha!

I always have and will be in my children’s corner, and their biggest ally.

But i am also aware that they’re rarely the little angels we perceive them to be, and if another parent had genuine concerns about my child’s behaviour, I’d want to hear them out instead of getting defensive

As I said, some of us have more empathy and would go out of our way to prevent someone (especially a 4 year old child!) feeling excluded and upset. I'm not saying that they have to be invited but that some sensitivity should be employed.

You can defend your son without calling women cows, children wet arses and betting no one would say it to your face.
You're coming across like the kind of parent who would scrap outside the school gates because your son Jayden and your daughter Jayla told you someone's kid gave them a dirty look.

I remember this when my own boy was at school, the whole class was invited but not him. It hurts and it hurts a lot and it will happen a few times going forward, at first he didn't notice and when he did I would tell him , he couldn't go as we were doing other things, I took him to things he enjoyed so he didn't feel like he missed out. Only once did I have a parent approach me and and say not inviting as he has ASD, ( she was known for being nasty) I just said oh good! I wouldn't want to have to go to your house! She walked off not amused. My own sons party I invited the whole class, but I went big and over the top,he remembers his birthday parties as being brilliant and didn't care about anyone else's parties

OP - of course you put your son first. That is your job as his parent.

But perhaps the parents of the birthday girl or boy simply feel that they are doing the same? It’s not great for their kids to have a disruptive child in their class, being loud and ‘throwing things’, and clearly they don’t want their darling child’s party similarly disrupted.

I don't think she has been as abrasive as some posters. She came to share her understandable sadness and people look to stick the boot in.

If it is leading to excluding just 1 child, it absolutely is. It's also happening within the building so of course they can. Parents can invite who they want but school aren't required to facilitate it, especially if it is excluding 1 child.

My boy is three years old. It is already obvious that he isn't quite the same as the other boys as he has quirks and limited speech. It is fairly obvious in a boy if there is ND.

Great advice! X

I don't think your reception aged 4 year old is a bully at all!! I think he is a 4 year old child who has ADHD and ASD who is probably overwhelmed at school.

That unfortunately, doesn't stop other children being worried or anxious and mentioning these things at home to their parents.

You only want the best for your child BUT they also only want the best for their child.

Given that you have overheard other parents and children talking about you son in a potentially negative way and now he hasn’t been invited to the class party, I would make an appointment with the school to discuss how to support your son. Find out if there are any behavioural issues with the other children which mean that he wouldn’t be invited to a party? Find out if he has a friend in the class that you could arrange a play date with on a one to one basis to establish a friendship? Ask for their help or advice on how to move forward and develop his social skills? You might find that there is a big personality clash with the birthday child and that it is just that? But I would definitely speak to the teacher - not to aggressively demand an invitation to the party or to demand that all children are invited in the future, but to work out a positive way forward for you ds.