My poor boy

Sounds like your son has become known. Ask his teacher(s) if there have been any incidents or if there is some specific reason for other parents apparently not liking him. Perhaps you can help him and his teachers to smooth his transition to school. You cannot do much about the parents.

So you would teach your small female child that she has no right to set boundaries with people who she finds intimidating, or at whose hands she has experienced violence? The misogyny runs deep with you…

I think that this can be a curse of whole class parties.

I get why parents do it especially if their child hasn't been at school long.

Ideally he would have been invited & the parent(s) could have spoken about any concerns & been reassured that you would stay.

Perhaps they didn't feel able to do this?

Or felt that their child should have who they want at their party?

Hurts other children? I don’t believe the mum has stated this once, so this is a presumption to give your view justification. Yes, I’d expect him to be invited, he’s 4 for crying out loud! Youre suggesting ONE child can be left out? I’m speechless. God help the kids in class with your children if they appear a little differently and you’re not teaching your children to be KIND! Have you considered the impact to children being excluded has on them?

OP I think you’ve actually had some good advice here regarding approaching the school to discuss his behaviour because while it may well be sensory seeking, if that takes the form of him being rough with other children or upsetting them, his needs don’t trump theirs. They are all equal.

Schools also won’t tell other parents about other people’s children, so whilst he has a diagnosis and that’s known to you, the other parents may just see or hear about ‘naughty behaviour’ without knowing the history.

In my experience SEN in itself isn’t a reason that people exclude, it’s unfortunately the behaviours that go with it that cause the issue.

If a child regularly upsets or hurts my child, I will exclude them too. Clearly I’m a terrible human being but it’s my DC’s birthday, why should they have someone there they don’t like? Or could disrupt the party?

My final point, is that again, in my experience most parents are quite forgiving of children with SEN and the challenging behaviours that come with it, when they can see the parents are engaged and trying. Your attitude from this thread makes me think you’re more the ‘he’s got SEN’ shoulder shrug parent about the whole thing.

I agree that it would be fairly obvious around the age of 3-4. My child is approaching 3 and she talks about two children from nursery and says they don’t want to play with her and that they don’t know I’m how to play so she has obviously noticed differences. I also think the nursery workers have spoken to the children and explained the situation in an empathetic way and that the children are included.

I have heard comments from year one boys last year which pissed me off. Luckily that stopped.

A) Parties are just the mum’s responsibility? I think you need to check your internalised misogyny.

B) ‘Regardless of behaviour’? Really? So you would force your dd to invite a child who had been violent or aggressive towards her to her birthday party? I find that style of parenting shameful, not a parent simply trying to protect their child.

Exactly. My DD put up with a boy like this through her entire senior school. Her class mates were all included. Never a single class went by without a child being hit or a disruption.

He used to push and hit anyone in his way. Until my daughter, after he pushed her, grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the dining hall. He didnt know but she had been training and lifting weights from the age of 8. All the children and the teachers witnessed it. Nothing was said and we think it was because the teachers had finally witnessed the child get some comeuppance for his behaviour.

Funnily enough, regardless of who he hit or bullied from then on, he never went near my DD>

I would start by checking in with the teacher to see if maybe there is an invite your son forgot to bring from his tray as it’s possibly as simple as that.

If not check in with how he is managing in class, mention what you have heard from other kids and see if there have been issues and if so what the school is doing to address them.

Sometimes kids can do unpleasant things and that might result in the perception from other parents they have been bullying or intimidated their children. Those other parents will feel equally as protective of their children as you are of your son. That is really hard and I do think missing out one child from a class party isn’t a good way to deal with it. It is however understandable that the instinct is to not include someone you perceive as having being unkind to your child.

I know our friend’s little boy who has ADHD is rarely invited to anything and it’s so so hard but equally having hosted for play dates I can absolutely appreciate why many the other kids struggle sometimes with his behaviour. He can be extremely aggressive about perceived unfairness, he is super pushy about what they should play and how and he can be incredibly blunt to the point of being quite rude and upsetting (even if it’s not his intention).

Realistically you are a bit unreasonable to expect that other parents consider your child’s needs and help their kids navigate relationships with them if you are not ready to consider how your own child’s behaviour is impacting them and work with school for a plan to mitigate it.

Yup good call.

Also, shame on that child's mum for not including the whole class of 12 people, regardless of your DS behaviour!

You seriously think that a child should have to invite someone regardless of their behaviour? Even if that child terrifies the birthday child?! You would put their feelings before your own 5yo’s?

I didn’t invite the boy who had a meltdowns, hit the teacher, threw chairs and art supplies to my daughter’s reception party, she didn’t like him or want him there and neither did I if that’s how he behaves.

My youngest DS was a very sweet little boy...no behaviour issues at all. He had one friend and his mother went out of her way to prevent their friendship.

Let's just say that OP's defensiveness is nothing compared to mine and I don't regret the cutting text I sent her. Autistics are lovely until we're slighted and then hell hath no fury. Bluntness and honesty can be wonderful things.

The other children are probably frightened.
Throw a big Christmas party in a play centre, up his popularity.

In fairness some of those posts merited an 'abrasive' response.

That said, AIBU is notoriously brutal and SEN issues in particular are less than likely to meet with the remotest sensitivity or empathy here. OP, I'd post for help in the SEN sections of this site in future if I were you, and/or ask for this thread to be moved.

If my son’s behaviour was as bad as some of you are claiming, then I’m sure the teacher would have pulled me up or even some parents. Maybe teach your child to not be such we arses. Some of you are pissing me off with your faux advice

Jeez if you don’t want advice don’t post here!

My DC was “that child” for a bit. It does your child absolutely no favours for you to stick your head in the sand and pretend he isn’t causing any issues and it’s just all these other kids being mean and leaving yours out for no reason. You have to be willing to find out what has been happening at school.

Maybe you’re right and there’s no real behaviour issues. Or maybe you have a teacher who isn’t very good at proactively having this kind of difficult conversation with a parent - but will tell you if you ask them.

This is not faux advice. It’s real genuine advice borne from being in a similar position and knowing that open discussions with school really helped - even if it was pretty awful at times getting the behaviour reports.

When mine was in year R, there was a boy in her class with autism. They all knew he was different; my daughter would talk about him to me. He was however invited to all the birthday parties. He left before the school before the end of year R, and my daughter still talks about him now (she’s in year 5!).

He was never excluded, not by the children anyway.

Are you sure he is the only one excluded, play centres are expensive.
Speak to the teacher.
DC shouldn't be handing out invites in school unless the whole class is invited.

If 11 kids are well-behaved friendly children who get on well, and one child is heavily disruptive, throws things, can’t play appropriately, possibly hurts the other children (intentionally or unintentionally), why would any of the 11 kids want him at their birthday party? Should they simply have to accept that they can’t have whole class parties minus one, and are limited to gatherings of five or six in perpetuity?

Some children will touch or hit other children and it’s also “sensory seeking” behaviour - some children even touch themselves inappropriately as a sensory sooth. This is why every child needs to learn appropriate sensory seeking.

A need for sensory relief doesn’t give anyone Carte Blanche to do as they please.

Just to add, my daughter started a new school at the start of year (Y1). We went to the farm for her sisters birthday a week ago and bumped into her class who were attending a party.
I didn't come on the internet kicking off at other posters about it.
To further add, my daughter very likely has ADHD and has issues with boundaries and sensory seeking.

Maybe you should stop being a wet arse 🤷‍♀️

But the parent who chose to leave out one child doesn't know that. And they surely knew the OP was aware and would be upset.

From the other parents point of view - they may hear from their child that yours throws or hits for example and the parents may not know he has sensory needs and issues. Naturally they will want to protect their child. If their child doesn't want him at their party that's their choice.

Oh leave her alone. We all hurt when we see our children marginalised. It's perfectly normal. Far more normal really than wanting to kick someone when they are hurting.

I just realised 😂