Controversial approach to Santa

It’s so much worse to do an over the top Christmas ‘from’ Santa/FC than just not believe in him. When they go back to school, what did the poor child do to deserve a simple stocking and a selection box, when their friends got an XBOX and whatever else? Weren’t they as good? Reminds me of that advert about the girl being as good as possible and still waking up in a tiny homeless bedsit. 😢 I think it was by Shelter. The approach lots of people take to Christmas is far more harmful than just telling the truth!! If you do Santa, I think it should just be a stocking full of surprises and one not overly expensive gift under the tree. Everything else from family.

I think there is a high chance that your child will tell other children at school even if you tell them not to.

I feel like children don't talk about Santa with each other nearly as much as we imagine! We've never put in a huge amount of effort to Santa but also went along with him being the one bringing something on Christmas day (usually the stocking rather than the main presents). I think your approach sounds fine.

Some people feel like someone approaching things differently is a judgement on their approach.You do you! Your children won't make a big deal of it if you don't so are very unlikely to spoil things for their cousins or friends.

The way we do it is that parents buy all of the gifts, they wrap them, and they send them to Santa for safekeeping. He then brings them back during the night on Christmas Eve. They're not contingent on being good or any of that bullshit. Lots of my friends do some variation of the same thing, for example my friend tells her DC that she sends Santa their Christmas list and some money, he buys what he can with the budget set. My DC know that they can't ask for flying ponies or golden shoes or whatever and need to keep it realistic, they also know that some children get more/less than others because some families have more/less money than others or place more/less importance on Christmas.

There's no fuss, no drama, and then when they find out Santa is just a story it changes nothing because they already knew the adults were buying the presents anyway.

I will say - I could have got away with this when my DD was 2/3…..wait until they are 4,5,6 and in school etc.

it will be unavoidable

Why would it ruin it? A quick ''not everyone believes in Santa but we do'' will suffice.

Learning that different families do things differently is part of going to school. Not everyone is the same and that's ok.

Very odd approach OP. FFS just let them be children. You know they’re just going to ruin the magic for the other chilren in their class, friends and young family members.

DS told a few children because when he asked me I didn't think to tell him to keep it a secret. I didn't realise it was that big a deal for so long for some families so it wasn't malicious, he was just interested in his new knowledge and I hadn't thought it through. He didn't talk about it after I told him not to but I still think no harm done.

The other one was that elf thing. I know about it obviously and that people make it move overnight into "hilarious" scenarios etc but I assumed everyone was in on it. I had absolutely no idea children believe it is actually magic and not just a toy from the shop and I had to backtrack quickly when I said something to another child about how inventive his parents were with the ideas for their elf. I really didn't know it had its own legend.

Adults are much too literal about this stuff. You don’t need to make kids think Father Christmas is literally real (and indeed you shouldn’t because then they feel you’ve lied). What you do is you give the impression of FC as a magical idea. When they’re small there is no difference between magic and reality. When they get to about 6 or 7 they start gradually understanding that things like fairies are not ‘real’ but they don’t feel betrayed by that, it’s just a natural development in their imagination. With my kids they would ask if FC was real and I would just say he was magic with an enigmatic wink. They were happy with this and understood in the way kids do that things can be both real and not real. My youngest at the age of nine did say, ‘yes but of course you do the presents really’ and I said yes. No one was traumatised.

He's been Santa for as long as Ireland, Scotland, and the North East of England have existed because he's always been commonly referred to as Santa/Santa Claus and even sometimes Santy in these areas. The name comes from Sinter Klass, aka Saint Nicholas. There are newspaper reports from these areas going back to the 1800s referring to Santa Claus and they predate the Americanised version. Halloween is also a tradition from these areas, it was taken to America by immigrants but it originated here.

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I think your approach is fine and your SIL is being weird. Your children are only 2 and 3 for goodness sake, they're at the slightly oblivious stage anyway!

We are low-key on Father Christmas in our house. We leave the mince pie out and he brings some little gifts in their stockings but that's about it. All other presents are from mum, dad, Uncle Jim etc. There is no link between gifts and behaviour because I agree that "if you're not good Father Christmas won't bring you any presents" is awful.

DD1 is in Year 4 so is 8 now and is definitely cottoning on. Any questions so far have been met with a noncommittal "hmm what do you think?" rather than outright lying to her. My plan if she asks me outright whether he's real or not is to tell her it's us leaving the stockings but that Father Christmas is a myth linked to the spirit of giving so now she's a grown up clever girl she gets to be Father Christmas for her younger sister.

AFAIK he’s always been Santa in Scotland. I’ve a feeling that the name FC started in England around the time of WW1 -Santa Claus was felt to sound too German. It’s worth noting that 🎅🏻 is Pere Noel in France, too.

My kids don't think they've been bad. They just think those kids believe in something that they don't.
I personally think it's absolutely awful to teach children that Santa doesn't come to bad kids. What a message to send to your children, absolutely no compassion for those who might be growing up in poverty or abusive homes. You can do the "magic" without the emotional manipulation.

The magic of Father Christmas isn’t a harmful lie, it’s absolutely ridiculous to suggest that it is.

I was really cross when my 7 year old came home from school having been told by another child he wasn’t real and the gifts were from parents. If you’re going to tell your kids that, at least make sure they’re old enough not to tell others who want to continue the magic. It’s for such a short time it’s just really disappointing when other people don’t respect what others choose to do.

It's unusual and the exact opposite of what I do as Santa is a big deal in our house but I don't think it's a big deal either. I don't consider it to be your responsibility or your children's responsibility to continue Santa for my own children, it isn't your job.

Children quickly learn that different people have different beliefs and the same goes for Santa. Not everyone even celebrates Christmas so Santa definitely doesn't go to them as well.

Surely once it comes up in school and all the kids are getting excited for it, your kids are going to think they've been 'bad' if Santa doesn't come?

My parents used to tie themselves in knots answering twenty questions as to how Santa got hold of all the presents from all the different members of our family with their own writing on the tags, I bet they'd have loved to have just never mentioned him 😅

Of course it's unusual not to have Santa involved with young children. Do what you want it's your kids but dont try and pretend it's usual.

We say Father Christmas in England.

It’s not compulsory but it’s not necessary to be a big misery guts towards everyone else who does it with their kids. It also tends to be the performative parents “I couldn’t possibly lie to little Billy.” “No little Billy we can’t participate because we don’t believe in ‘Santa’ dear.” said loudly for everyone to hear.

If you haven't experienced the magic of believing in Father Christmas then I can understand why you're not bothered about passing that on to your kids I guess.

I've seen it be a problem at school though when the kids have done something about FC (C of E school) - one teacher for example made a video for each of the kids from that free website and the kid whose parents 'didn't do' FC was really confused and upset.

Also when all the kids are talking about what Santa has brought them it's really upsetting to think he didn't bring you anything - especially when not getting presents from him is associated with being a naughty/bad child.

I feel really sorry for those kids.

"When did Father Christmas start being called Santa?"

Probably around the same time that the UK adopted other US customs, such as school proms, baby showers, Halloween, Father's Day and so on.

To me, he will always be Father Christmas and not Santa - and he lives in Lapland and not at the north pole. 🎅

No she doesn’t. That’s not her kids responsibilities to hold that weight. You can just explain some people don’t believe in Santa, there’s someone who doesn’t believe in many Christmas films!!

I think I get your approach op, in that we didn’t go out of the way to stress Santa and just responded more to what they brought about it. I wouldn’t be keen on grandparents saying their gifts are from Santa either. BUT, I think you’re a bit naive as to how your choices affect others around you, and it’s good you are having this conversation to open your eyes a bit.

ie as a result of talking with people who’s kids are older than mine, we decided to do stockings from Santa and a couple of gifts from him, rest from us. My cousin made all gifts from Santa and one year one of her boys was so upset that his parents didn’t get him anything, but his friends parents did!

I also think it’s naive when people say I made sure my kids didn’t tell others. My daughter knew way earlier due to another kid and it was a bit of a thing in the circle of friends. Those parents were of the ‘I’m not into the big lie’ variety and others in the group were of the ‘we will protect the belief as long as we possibly can’. I kinda sat in the middle but after that experience I knew my young kids couldn’t be trusted to keep a secret like that, my nearly 10yr old can but my 7yr old couldn’t, certainly not a younger child.

In this family FC/ Santa has only ever brought relatively little things in stockings - other presents are from family, who will need to be thanked.
The excitement on Christmas Eve has always been huge though (through 3 generations!) so I can’t help feeling a little bit sorry for children who are denied that little bit of magic - it’s only for a very few years anyway.

We had a compromise with my children that worked well for us. The stockings full.of small things that the children opened Christmas morning on the bed was from father Christmas, the big presents and presents from family were from whoever bought them.
We took them to see father Christmas and they enjoyed it.
When I was a child we were told father Christmas asked our parents to get certain things and we were taken to see him which was extremely exciting. I don't think I ever really believed in him but I enjoyed the pretence I think most children do. There was never any traumatic moment when I realised he didn't exist
Other families had other approaches but no one cared small children believe what they want to believe. As long as you don't push your approach onto other people that is ok.