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Original poster

To find it exhausting being continuously grateful

136 replies

Bunny44 · 15/10/2025 00:33

Sorry this is long but I'm trying to give a full picture. I've always been a very independent person and have rarely asked for anything from my parents since leaving home at 18. I've generally had a drama free life. Got good jobs and financially on top of everything. My parents have always been the sort to try and help their kids and they offer a lot to my younger siblings, especially my younger brother who they help a lot and put themselves out there a lot for him, even though he doesn't make a lot of effort with them. They complain my 2 siblings live far away, especially my middle brother who has children and my mum gets jealous of the other grandma who looks after his kids a lot.

However, in my mid 30s 2 years ago I lost my job and my partner left me while I was pregnant, which left me in a vulnerable situation as I had a mortgaged house and lived a long way from my family. My mum invited me to move in with them (their idea) which was a lifeline and I was very grateful for. They were both really supportive with the birth and ever since and they forged a very close relationship with my child. As a baby, I did the bulk but they were always on hand if I needed a shower or someone to watch him when I interviewed for a new job or went to the gym classes twice a week (my mum encouraged me to get back to exercising). Because he was breastfed, I didn't do any overnights without him till I went back to work and rarely did anything socially without him.

I got a new job after a year and went back full time (my industry doesn't do part time). My son has been at nursery 4 days a week and 1 with my mum (her suggestion). Between the 3 of us we do pick ups and drop offs although my mum tends to do pick up as it's in my working hours and then I take over after he's had dinner and do bath, bed and any wake ups at night. I sometimes have to travel for work. It's quite common in my line of work, but I purposefully chose a new job where I work from home and travel less but there is some travel. I also go to the gym for an hour twice a week. After that, I just don't feel like I can ask for much more as that seems like a lot of help, so I rarely see my friends or do anything socially that isn't work. When I do I feel bad for asking and also for being away from my son. I don't mind but I sometimes feel a bit lonely as I don't get out much. I'll add I also contribute financially and I pay for nearly everything for my son and anything they've bought for him, they do the equvilant for the other grandchildren. Also they give my brother a lot of money towards his childcare since they feel they're doing a lot for me, even though they get help from the other grandparents.

Now my gripe is how much my mum complains to me and tells me I should be grateful and implies I should move out sometimes, but when I say I'm looking to move out she backtracks and says there's no rush and I don't have to. She's always saying how tired she is complaining how much she has to do. She doesn't work and my son is at nursery 4 days a week. But on those 4 days she does loads of exercise classes and is out and about all day, which she is totally free to do and I'm not saying she shouldn't, but it's also how much she expects from herself and the rest of us in the rest of the time; Every meal is complicated and from scratch and takes a long time. On the days she's not around I throw together really simple, quick meals and she complains to me about this, saying I should try harder and she managed it when we were kids on her own. If I try to cook when she's there, she never wants to eat what I'm making and complains I'm in the way/making a mess, so generally I stick to clearing/washing up after my child is asleep. She complains our rooms are a mess, but if I ask her to watch my son while I sort them out, she will complain about that too saying she's busy. When I travel for work the first thing I have to do when I get back is say thank you and how grateful I am, otherwise I get an earful for being rude. For example, one time my son was crying when I got home so I immediately took him upstairs to get him out of my parents hair, then my mum followed me and told me off for not saying thank you.

She's not like this with my brothers at all and will drop anything for them. To give an example I had a rare social thing in the calendar scheduled for after my son was asleep, I was dressed and ready to go, but then my brother was visiting and suddenly told us he needed a lift from the station. I got told I coudln't go out afterall since he needed a lift. I then had to listen to my brother talking about how he'd been out every day for the last month when he arrived at the house, which I found really upsetting.

A while ago I broke down to my parents and said I felt like me and my son are an inconvinience to them and said I felt very lonely and I couldn't go out much and my mum said she didn't intend to make it seem like it was an inconvinience and she's very happy to look after my son and then she didn't complain as much for a while, but recently it's started again.

I feel like they absolutely love my son, but I feel like they don't really want us in the house, but they do want us to live very close by.

I've been planning options to move out and where I don't have to rely on them as much as, as much as I really am grateful, I'm exhausted by it and having to feel like someone is doing me a favour all the time. This would involve moving further away as they live in a very expensive area and I'd need to free up income to pay for childcare. I tentatively mentioned this to my dad and then they cornered me and asked me why I felt like I needed to move out and said I can stay as long as I like.

I'm just very tired and feel isolated even with their support sometimes. I know being a mum of a young child is always very tiring, single or not, especially trying to balance work as well. But I feel like the treading on eggshells is adding to my exhaustion and mental workload.

AIBU to be fed up of telling my mum I'm grateful?

OP posts:
logplant · 15/10/2025 09:27

NorthSouthEast · 15/10/2025 08:56

I’d make a plan to move out, don’t tell your parents about it yet.

You have the luxury of time to research what will work best for you in terms of area, nursery, commuting, community, affordability etc before you commit to anything.

You could even research gyms and see if any have a crèche, or are near the nursery so you can optimise work-gym-nursery-home journeys.

You should think about commuting time, future primary school, whether you move your child to a nursery very near home or very near work.

Once you move you will be able to use babysitters so you can go out when you want (this is a difficulty in your current set up, you can’t book a babysitter to sit in your parents home so you have to ask them for the favour, rather than doing as you please).

You will be able to organise your own meals and set up online grocery deliveries so you will get back some time and autonomy for yourself.

You will be able to host friends at your house so you don’t always have to go out to socialise.

Get it all sorted, literally to putting having a concrete move in date with deposits paid or contacts exchanged and then tell your parents. You can say you are ever so grateful for all they’ve done but it’s time to give them back the freedoms to enjoy their time and their house, and for you to set yourself up independently with your child. They can still see lots of their DGC but it will be on a more standard basis. Hopefully they would still be willing to help with overnights. I can see this is potentially an issue but it’s not the reason to keep all of your life on hold whilst you remain beholden to your parents.

I agree - because you are not presenting moving out as done and dusted they feel the need to say don’t there’s no need - you are guilting them, you might not mean to, but many parents struggle to tell their kids to move out - many of us want to though and not because we don’t love them, we just need a break from feeling responsible all the time.

Notusualnameobvs · 15/10/2025 09:22

@Bunny44 I'm in your mother's shoes to some extent but too outing to give the full details. I see both sides. You are incredibly fortunate to have so much help and you probably do take it for granted as it's your normal.
From my perspective, it's not about being constantly grateful but about your parents feeling appreciated. It seems as though your mum doesn't feel like that. Do you do anything nice for your parents to acknowledge how much they do?
You do have the choice and means to move out and be independent, although as a single parent you won't have personal freedom until your child is much older. Weigh that up against what you get now and decide whether you want more independence and responsibility or to accept you need to be more consistently appreciative of your parents' support.

PollyBell · 15/10/2025 09:06

Bunny44 · 15/10/2025 08:00

I probably won't be able to reply for most of the day now but just wanted to say that I fully expected to be told by some people I was being unreasonable, because I myself feel unreasonable to complain because I know they do so much for me AND I am immensely grateful. My gripe was that my mum says she wants to help, but then proceeds to complain about it a lot and I have this sense of burden hanging over me constantly, which I hate as I've always been so independent. I also appreciate the sympathetic replies which made me feel a bit better about my feelings.

I think @RawBloomers makes an excellent point as I do feel like my mum is saying and doing what society expects of her, but actually deep down, she doesn't enjoy it that much. She lamented a lot about not having purpose in life after stopping work and was jealous of other granny's who had that opportunity to look after grandchildren, but she obviously wasn't expecting me to be so reliant on her help. Also looking after a 2 year old is exhausting for everyone involved. He's fairly typical and not particularly hard, but he's very energetic and you have to watch him all the time. We make life harder on ourselves by having zero screen time for instance.

To respond to the points about finance, I am quite well off and even when I was out of work for a year, I could have made it through with savings and I could manage on my own now easily financially but it's more the logistical aspect with work and just managing alone with a toddler. I also contribute every month to my parents financially and then get shopping in, fill up their car, pay for dinner out and bring treats back from my trips etc - which I do happily because I want to. My parents aren't badly off either and they don't have a mortgage.

To the questions about my sons father, he's not at all involved and doesn't even live in the country anymore and I have no financial help from him. The paternal family would love to help and I get on with them, but they can't easily get visas to come here and I don't want to live where they are.

Also a few people said I was ungrateful for expecting to go out socially - I did say that I don't expect that, and I go out very rarely (probably for a quick dinner with friends every other month). I was just pointing the story about my brother and summarising what they do for them in general, so you can see in general that they like to help their kids, but this thing about gratitude only seems to apply to me. I went through decades of asking for nothing and needing little help whereas my mum was doing tons for my brother and there was never of this sense of him needing to be thankful all the time, in fact I think my brother showed very little gratitude. He wasn't particularly in need either, just my parents think of him as less capable. I resent the burden of having to remember to say thank you constantly and worrying if I'm asking too much on top of worrying that I'm not spending enough time with my son, not working enough, not being thin enough, not being enough fullstop etc.

So why dont you move out?

logplant · 15/10/2025 09:05

I think your parents feel conflicted they want to help and support you but they also want their freedom and to live without responsibility for their adult child. Your life will be harder if you move out - their life will be harder if you stay. They will never ask you to leave but deep down they probably want a break

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/10/2025 09:00

LadyNorthStar · 15/10/2025 08:40

You go to the gym twice a week and go out for dinner with friends every other month. You are also ‘out’ at work without having to worry about your child.

You won’t be worrying about calls from nursery asking you to come now because he’s ill or worrying about having to take time off again when this happens, because your parents are there.

I think you have plenty of ‘me’ time to be honest. Your work trips also count - I bet you get to stay in nice hotels with dinner etc.

I bet the house is clean and tidy, your washing is done, it sounds like your mum makes dinner a lot.

You have got it really really good and of course your mum wants you to be grateful. You are both under her feet and I can’t imagine being in this position when I’m retired.

All you have to do is say thank you and show appreciation. It seems a pretty good deal to me.

I’ve never been on a work trip that gives me ‘me’ time.

NorthSouthEast · 15/10/2025 08:56

I’d make a plan to move out, don’t tell your parents about it yet.

You have the luxury of time to research what will work best for you in terms of area, nursery, commuting, community, affordability etc before you commit to anything.

You could even research gyms and see if any have a crèche, or are near the nursery so you can optimise work-gym-nursery-home journeys.

You should think about commuting time, future primary school, whether you move your child to a nursery very near home or very near work.

Once you move you will be able to use babysitters so you can go out when you want (this is a difficulty in your current set up, you can’t book a babysitter to sit in your parents home so you have to ask them for the favour, rather than doing as you please).

You will be able to organise your own meals and set up online grocery deliveries so you will get back some time and autonomy for yourself.

You will be able to host friends at your house so you don’t always have to go out to socialise.

Get it all sorted, literally to putting having a concrete move in date with deposits paid or contacts exchanged and then tell your parents. You can say you are ever so grateful for all they’ve done but it’s time to give them back the freedoms to enjoy their time and their house, and for you to set yourself up independently with your child. They can still see lots of their DGC but it will be on a more standard basis. Hopefully they would still be willing to help with overnights. I can see this is potentially an issue but it’s not the reason to keep all of your life on hold whilst you remain beholden to your parents.

LadyNorthStar · 15/10/2025 08:40

You go to the gym twice a week and go out for dinner with friends every other month. You are also ‘out’ at work without having to worry about your child.

You won’t be worrying about calls from nursery asking you to come now because he’s ill or worrying about having to take time off again when this happens, because your parents are there.

I think you have plenty of ‘me’ time to be honest. Your work trips also count - I bet you get to stay in nice hotels with dinner etc.

I bet the house is clean and tidy, your washing is done, it sounds like your mum makes dinner a lot.

You have got it really really good and of course your mum wants you to be grateful. You are both under her feet and I can’t imagine being in this position when I’m retired.

All you have to do is say thank you and show appreciation. It seems a pretty good deal to me.

ConvenientLie · 15/10/2025 08:38

Bunny44 · 15/10/2025 07:36

My child has just turned 2. I can't really change career - I've been doing this for 15 years and it pays well. I've already taken an option which is much more flexible - working from home means I can finish dead on 5 if needed and take over when I'm not travelling. The travel is not all the time either and tends to be within the UK. Sometimes I can go months without any. My mum herself is against me doing changing career or anything where I get paid less. I even suggested asking to cut my hours and she said she didn't think that was a good idea. I guess that's what I'm trying to say is that she has a lot of opinions on what I do (working in a good job, keeping fit, what I eat) which I tend to listen to and she says she'll help me to achieve those things, but then complains about it, which creates this sense of guilt of burdening them. If I didn't exercise or have a good job she'd also have something to same about that.

Show quote history

It reads like you’ve both reverted back to a parent child dynamic.
You’re in your thirties, you have a child - if you want to cut your hours, just do it! You don’t need mummy’s permission. She’s giving her opinion on everything partly because you’re actively including her in your decisions but also because you’re letting her.
“That’s an interesting thought mum, but I’ve decided I’m cutting my hours for the next twelve months so I can have better flexibility. Have you spoken to nanna lately?”

Original poster
Bunny44 · 15/10/2025 08:00

I probably won't be able to reply for most of the day now but just wanted to say that I fully expected to be told by some people I was being unreasonable, because I myself feel unreasonable to complain because I know they do so much for me AND I am immensely grateful. My gripe was that my mum says she wants to help, but then proceeds to complain about it a lot and I have this sense of burden hanging over me constantly, which I hate as I've always been so independent. I also appreciate the sympathetic replies which made me feel a bit better about my feelings.

I think @RawBloomers makes an excellent point as I do feel like my mum is saying and doing what society expects of her, but actually deep down, she doesn't enjoy it that much. She lamented a lot about not having purpose in life after stopping work and was jealous of other granny's who had that opportunity to look after grandchildren, but she obviously wasn't expecting me to be so reliant on her help. Also looking after a 2 year old is exhausting for everyone involved. He's fairly typical and not particularly hard, but he's very energetic and you have to watch him all the time. We make life harder on ourselves by having zero screen time for instance.

To respond to the points about finance, I am quite well off and even when I was out of work for a year, I could have made it through with savings and I could manage on my own now easily financially but it's more the logistical aspect with work and just managing alone with a toddler. I also contribute every month to my parents financially and then get shopping in, fill up their car, pay for dinner out and bring treats back from my trips etc - which I do happily because I want to. My parents aren't badly off either and they don't have a mortgage.

To the questions about my sons father, he's not at all involved and doesn't even live in the country anymore and I have no financial help from him. The paternal family would love to help and I get on with them, but they can't easily get visas to come here and I don't want to live where they are.

Also a few people said I was ungrateful for expecting to go out socially - I did say that I don't expect that, and I go out very rarely (probably for a quick dinner with friends every other month). I was just pointing the story about my brother and summarising what they do for them in general, so you can see in general that they like to help their kids, but this thing about gratitude only seems to apply to me. I went through decades of asking for nothing and needing little help whereas my mum was doing tons for my brother and there was never of this sense of him needing to be thankful all the time, in fact I think my brother showed very little gratitude. He wasn't particularly in need either, just my parents think of him as less capable. I resent the burden of having to remember to say thank you constantly and worrying if I'm asking too much on top of worrying that I'm not spending enough time with my son, not working enough, not being thin enough, not being enough fullstop etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bunny44 · 15/10/2025 07:36

Zapx · 15/10/2025 07:10

I agree you need to move out… How old is your baby now? I’d also say that changing career is essential (I know this is not AT ALL easy) because I can’t see how the travelling for work can continue to work out unless you plan relying on your parents forever for this? I’m so sorry OP - your situation sounds really hard.

My child has just turned 2. I can't really change career - I've been doing this for 15 years and it pays well. I've already taken an option which is much more flexible - working from home means I can finish dead on 5 if needed and take over when I'm not travelling. The travel is not all the time either and tends to be within the UK. Sometimes I can go months without any. My mum herself is against me doing changing career or anything where I get paid less. I even suggested asking to cut my hours and she said she didn't think that was a good idea. I guess that's what I'm trying to say is that she has a lot of opinions on what I do (working in a good job, keeping fit, what I eat) which I tend to listen to and she says she'll help me to achieve those things, but then complains about it, which creates this sense of guilt of burdening them. If I didn't exercise or have a good job she'd also have something to same about that.

OP posts:
cheeseismydownfall · 15/10/2025 07:34

I fully understand how you are feeling OP and the PPs calling you ungrateful haven't read your post properly.

I had a similar situation (although not 24/7) with my DM when our DC were young. My DM had always been extremely scathing of nursery for young children and when I went back to work part time she insisted on looking after them. She absolutely adored them and of course it was an easier and more flexible arrangement for me (although we did pay her).

As time went by however I found the situation unbearably claustrophobic and endless martyrdom increasingly impossible to live with. But any mention of moving the DC to paid childcare was met with fury and tears. On the outside people thought we had a wonderful setup and I got lots of "oh, your so lucky!" But the reality is I would have paid for childcare twice over and put up with the inconvenience to be free of the endless obligation and demands to be grateful.

It finally ended when the last DC went to school. This was over a decade ago and sadly my relationship with DM never fully recovered.

WimpoleHat · 15/10/2025 07:27

I don’t mean this to sound unkind as what you describe would drive me up the wall! Your mum sounds like she wants her cake and to eat it - but so do you a little bit! Your mum wants you around and wants you to stay - but also wants validation for how difficult her life is or how much she does. You want the practical help )which must be saving you a fortune and that before we think about the stress), but you don’t want to show gratitude all the time.

I agree that you need to move out to solve it - but whether you actually want to do that in the cold light of day is another matter. I’d have a long hard think about the practicalities and costs of it all. If, in the end, you decide to stay, it might help you feel more positive about the decision and that might help the relationship with your mum.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 15/10/2025 07:25

I think you are minimizing all they do for you.

eone · 15/10/2025 07:19

WoahWoahandThriceWoah · 15/10/2025 06:17

Choose your hard.

  1. performative gratefulness for all of the help you are receiving from your parents (that you really should be massively grateful for anyway)
  2. move out and have little/no help. Fund nursery/every other bill yourself. If you want to go out for an evening pay for a babysitter. Most parents do that anyway.

100% this.

@Bunny44how would you cope if you moved out? Would you be OK financially? More nursery fees, a rent/mortgage to pay, less help with day to day life, with nursery pick ups and drop offs. How would you manage full time work and DS?
You can pay babysitter now to go out. It doesn't have to be your mum watching DS.

softstone · 15/10/2025 07:15

Yep - your parents need their house and their lives back. I’m sure they love you very much but they need you to live in your own place now.

Owly11 · 15/10/2025 07:15

You need to move out. You seem to be blaming them for your lifestyle. That is on you, not them. You have reverted to a child like position where you feel your parents should help you and you are also relating to them as if they are your partner and you are weighing up how much free time they have and how much you have. What you should be weighing up is how much they do for you versus how much you do for them. How much do you do for them? You just need to get back on your feet and move out.

Daisymay8 · 15/10/2025 07:14

Can't you get some housing benefit? So you can rent. Have you got savings?
I don't think your DM's favouritism for DS will change. Start making enquiries. So when DD is a little older you can move out.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 15/10/2025 07:13

They want you to move out, it’s just too hard to say.

graceinspace999 · 15/10/2025 07:11

I’d stick it out but focus on saving every penny I could in my ‘independence fund.’

It is really difficult for you but I think it will be as difficult, if not more difficult if you move out right now.

It’s difficult for your mum too. She instinctively wants to help (as is expected of women) but her resentment and probably tiredness makes this ‘leak’ out in the form of remarks etc to you.

I think the father of the children is the one who should be resented by both of you.

How come he gets away with leaving all this hard work to women?

All the stress is on women and no wonder there’s friction.

Is there a way someone could babysit a few hours so you and your mum could do something fun together?

Improving this relationship would make it easier.

Focus on small things you can do to improve life for you all right now while aiming at independence- when you are ready.

Zapx · 15/10/2025 07:10

I agree you need to move out… How old is your baby now? I’d also say that changing career is essential (I know this is not AT ALL easy) because I can’t see how the travelling for work can continue to work out unless you plan relying on your parents forever for this? I’m so sorry OP - your situation sounds really hard.

PollyBell · 15/10/2025 07:06

You need to move out you know that, you need to stand on your own 2 feet sometime and give them back their house

DaisyDayz · 15/10/2025 07:04

This sounds so hard on all of you. I know in this situation my mum would never ever have made me feel a burden and she would have spoiled me as much as the baby! But even so it can be claustrophobic when you move home as an independent adult - not a normal situation.

What about baby’s dad - no contact and no financial support? How old is the baby now?

I would definitely be moved out by time baby is 2 years old.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/10/2025 07:02

RawBloomers · 15/10/2025 01:49

People like your mum, who offer and make it sound almost like you’ll be doing them a favour, let you alter your life so you are, to an extent, reliant on them and then start complaining about it are difficult to deal with. I think a large part of it is down to female socialization and social expectations. For a lot of women, especially older ones, this is about validation. It’s what they’ve been taught to do to some extent and since you’re also female the expectation is you’ll be doubly grateful because this is all stuff you ought to be doing (unlike your brothers, who are male and so shouldn’t be expected to be as grateful). It sucks and it’s not fair, but it’s something that has trapped your mother even more than you.

as you’ve already realized, independence is the route out of this. Your own place. 5 days a week of nursery. Tell your mum you hear her complaints and you are lightening the load. Find a babysitter you trust for social evenings. Only rely on your mum for work trips (or find a job that doesn’t require them).

When the DC is older may be explicit with your mum about how hurtful her unequal treatment of you and your brothers was. But for now, focus on forging as much of an independent path as you can.

I think this is very insightful.

It is probably needing validation more than “complaining” but it can be very draining for the so-called recipient.

The ruining of your night out was very unfair - but equally your brother could have said “oh no that’s not fair, don’t worry”.

I think the best thing to do is move out, work full-time and use nursery 5 days a week. It’ll be tiring but you’ll be your own person at least. They may resist it but you will have to be firm. Remind your Mum how tired she is if necessary!

Edit - on the plus side, the help you’ve had from them has probably been invaluable, especially in those earlier days - just having people on hand so you can easily take a shower etc is a great help, you see so many Mums on here without a second to themselves. But I agree with pps that it’s all got very emeshed, and not healthy now

ApricotCheesecake · 15/10/2025 06:56

I do agree that you don't need anyone to watch your child while you tidy a room. You just do it!