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Original poster

To find it exhausting being continuously grateful

136 replies

Bunny44 · 15/10/2025 00:33

Sorry this is long but I'm trying to give a full picture. I've always been a very independent person and have rarely asked for anything from my parents since leaving home at 18. I've generally had a drama free life. Got good jobs and financially on top of everything. My parents have always been the sort to try and help their kids and they offer a lot to my younger siblings, especially my younger brother who they help a lot and put themselves out there a lot for him, even though he doesn't make a lot of effort with them. They complain my 2 siblings live far away, especially my middle brother who has children and my mum gets jealous of the other grandma who looks after his kids a lot.

However, in my mid 30s 2 years ago I lost my job and my partner left me while I was pregnant, which left me in a vulnerable situation as I had a mortgaged house and lived a long way from my family. My mum invited me to move in with them (their idea) which was a lifeline and I was very grateful for. They were both really supportive with the birth and ever since and they forged a very close relationship with my child. As a baby, I did the bulk but they were always on hand if I needed a shower or someone to watch him when I interviewed for a new job or went to the gym classes twice a week (my mum encouraged me to get back to exercising). Because he was breastfed, I didn't do any overnights without him till I went back to work and rarely did anything socially without him.

I got a new job after a year and went back full time (my industry doesn't do part time). My son has been at nursery 4 days a week and 1 with my mum (her suggestion). Between the 3 of us we do pick ups and drop offs although my mum tends to do pick up as it's in my working hours and then I take over after he's had dinner and do bath, bed and any wake ups at night. I sometimes have to travel for work. It's quite common in my line of work, but I purposefully chose a new job where I work from home and travel less but there is some travel. I also go to the gym for an hour twice a week. After that, I just don't feel like I can ask for much more as that seems like a lot of help, so I rarely see my friends or do anything socially that isn't work. When I do I feel bad for asking and also for being away from my son. I don't mind but I sometimes feel a bit lonely as I don't get out much. I'll add I also contribute financially and I pay for nearly everything for my son and anything they've bought for him, they do the equvilant for the other grandchildren. Also they give my brother a lot of money towards his childcare since they feel they're doing a lot for me, even though they get help from the other grandparents.

Now my gripe is how much my mum complains to me and tells me I should be grateful and implies I should move out sometimes, but when I say I'm looking to move out she backtracks and says there's no rush and I don't have to. She's always saying how tired she is complaining how much she has to do. She doesn't work and my son is at nursery 4 days a week. But on those 4 days she does loads of exercise classes and is out and about all day, which she is totally free to do and I'm not saying she shouldn't, but it's also how much she expects from herself and the rest of us in the rest of the time; Every meal is complicated and from scratch and takes a long time. On the days she's not around I throw together really simple, quick meals and she complains to me about this, saying I should try harder and she managed it when we were kids on her own. If I try to cook when she's there, she never wants to eat what I'm making and complains I'm in the way/making a mess, so generally I stick to clearing/washing up after my child is asleep. She complains our rooms are a mess, but if I ask her to watch my son while I sort them out, she will complain about that too saying she's busy. When I travel for work the first thing I have to do when I get back is say thank you and how grateful I am, otherwise I get an earful for being rude. For example, one time my son was crying when I got home so I immediately took him upstairs to get him out of my parents hair, then my mum followed me and told me off for not saying thank you.

She's not like this with my brothers at all and will drop anything for them. To give an example I had a rare social thing in the calendar scheduled for after my son was asleep, I was dressed and ready to go, but then my brother was visiting and suddenly told us he needed a lift from the station. I got told I coudln't go out afterall since he needed a lift. I then had to listen to my brother talking about how he'd been out every day for the last month when he arrived at the house, which I found really upsetting.

A while ago I broke down to my parents and said I felt like me and my son are an inconvinience to them and said I felt very lonely and I couldn't go out much and my mum said she didn't intend to make it seem like it was an inconvinience and she's very happy to look after my son and then she didn't complain as much for a while, but recently it's started again.

I feel like they absolutely love my son, but I feel like they don't really want us in the house, but they do want us to live very close by.

I've been planning options to move out and where I don't have to rely on them as much as, as much as I really am grateful, I'm exhausted by it and having to feel like someone is doing me a favour all the time. This would involve moving further away as they live in a very expensive area and I'd need to free up income to pay for childcare. I tentatively mentioned this to my dad and then they cornered me and asked me why I felt like I needed to move out and said I can stay as long as I like.

I'm just very tired and feel isolated even with their support sometimes. I know being a mum of a young child is always very tiring, single or not, especially trying to balance work as well. But I feel like the treading on eggshells is adding to my exhaustion and mental workload.

AIBU to be fed up of telling my mum I'm grateful?

OP posts:
NewHat · 16/10/2025 13:30

Bunny44 · 15/10/2025 21:30

You make it sound like I've always relied on my parents when I lived without them for half my life... They also go away not infrequently for a week or so at a time so I have been on my own and it was very hard. That's why I'm so conflicted about my options. Not really sure what your point is.

Show quote history

Half of your life but not half of your child’s life.

I think my point is why does it matter if you are getting these mixed messages about moving out? You don’t want to feel like this anymore, grateful to them, and the solution to that is moving out. I think while you are living there and they are doing all of these things, you are going to feel this way.

I think they are possibly ready for you to move on but feel guilt and that’s why they are complaining about the things that they do for you.

seanconneryseyebrow · 16/10/2025 13:19

I’m getting super triggered by your post OP - I can relate hugely. Different situation but I moved into my folks at 47 due to some serious trauma. In many ways they were lovely / in many they were not. V quickly it fell into a parent/child dynamic and I was spoken down to, they made intrusive comments about my life and decisions, and wanted lots of praise and appreciation for doing everything for me - when I was utterly desperate to do it myself. I couldn’t even make a sandwich!

anyway where I think it relates to your situation is I took stock and could see our relationship wasn’t going to survive if I didn’t leave. I lasted 7 mths! I could tell I was about to explode and may say something we’d never come back from and I was really beginning to loathe them. I wasn’t ready financially or emotionally due to certain issues but I absolutely had to go. I did it, but the dynamic had changed - even in just 7 mths - and the boundary crossing continued for some time until I firmly put my foot down. 2 years now and it’s better but it’s still there. I see it as such a lack of respect for me, disguised as concern, yet my brothers are treated completely differently. I don’t think our relationship will ever completely recover from that and I now believe people should never live with their parents as adults unless they have absolutely no other choice.

I can hear it in you where you say ‘mum thinks this’ ‘mum thinks that’ - IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT THEY THINK. You are a grown up and a mother and you do you.

if I was you I would make plans move out and barely discuss it with your parents. Give minimal details just ‘this is what we are doing now’. Don’t react to any tears or fury. Just calm and matter of fact. ‘Thanks for your help but this is what we are doing now’. Then do it!

never rely on them again.

cordeliavorkosigan · 16/10/2025 09:05

To me it sounds like you have to move.
You said you had the option to move somewhere with a live in nanny, for work?
Obviously it would be far but if you could save enough to get a space big enough for a nanny or au pair when you're back it might be worth it and a huge adventure. I'd be considering it. Very seriously. Because like pp, I don't think this situation will get better soon enough.
Also, making you feel guilty about moving far away is just not on.

thisishowloween · 16/10/2025 07:11

Bunny44 · 15/10/2025 21:27

I think this is unfair. Few women with a baby or toddler work full time and support themselves and their child with zero help. Most women I know with young children have a lot of family help or at least a partner AND work part time. Most single mums have financial help from the state or from an ex partner. It's quite a scary thing to think to do everything both financially and logistically on my own with no back up. I know I can do it but it's a lot and not many people actually do it.

Also to remind you that my parents wanted to help.

Show quote history

It’s not unfair at all. I don’t know any single parent who has as much help and support as you do - you live with your parents, they do childcare and school runs and look after your toddler so you can go to the gym twice a week.

Whether they wanted to help or not is irrelevant as well - they’re your parents, of course they’re going to offer to help but as a grown up it’s your responsibility to turn round and say “don’t be silly, you’ve done your share of parenting” and sort it out for yourself.

You need to grow up, move out and be a parent on your own.

99bottlesofkombucha · 16/10/2025 00:32

I think if you’re doing it on your own you get an au pair as you suggested or some afternoon help once a week till 8pm. In your shoes I’d cook something I want once a week and say to your mum but I like this and I want to cook it, is that really so awful?? Can’t I cook what I feel like one day a week? Get snappier about the complaints. Really mum, this again??

Firedrink · 15/10/2025 23:49

Honestly OP, yours is a thread anyone thinking about having a baby alone should read.
Sadly so many young women have no idea how hard, lonely and exhausting it is, and you have great support.

Your parents are great, especially your mum, but is undoing it all by constantly badgering you.

Asap I think you need to schedule a sit down and be 100% honest about how grateful you are but how awful you feel.

I think do the prep work to move out and tell them you are looking into it.
Look at a Move to where suits you, not them, even if it is abroad.
Then hear what they have to say.
They cant say they want you to stay and then be so unkind about it.

Cancelling your night out for a lift for your brother was plain nasty, no excuse for that whatsoever.

You need to think about what you really want.
You get to the gym living at home, think about how living alone will work before you sit down but one way or another you need to sit down and be honest.
Good luck.

cheeseismydownfall · 15/10/2025 23:26

OP, I've read all your posts and I cannot adequately express how much I can relate. My situation was a little different in that we didn't live under the same roof, but my DM provided childcare for our preschool DC and I'm afraid it marred our relationship for nearly a decade after.

I became deeply resentful of how one-sided the situation appeared from the outside, for having to be endlessly grateful (including for going to work, snap) in the face of her tight-lipped, stubborn martyrdom. As time passed I felt more and more trapped by the bond between my DM and my DC. I wished we'd made a different choice and would have happily paid nursery fees twice over but my DM became distressed if this was every suggested.

In the end a forced relocation ended the situation, but not before a lot of damage had been done and of course it was incredibly hard for my poor DM (I'm not a monster).

My advice would be to move out as soon as you possibly can. It will be hard, but this situation will get worse. Your resentment will increase and your parents will get older far faster than your young child will grow up enough to reduce the practical demands of caring for him.

Good luck. And ignore the posters who are implying you are selfish and entitled. I've walked in your shoes and from your posts I am certain you are neither.

logplant · 15/10/2025 22:43

What do you want? You won’t move out because it would be too hard. Your parents love you but they are tired and probably want a break from rearing kids. You can’t change your parents, they aren’t getting any younger and they can’t ask you to move out because you may go too far. You must know you are being a burden, so if you won’t kovf out stop expecting more, it really isn’t on. Your poor parents.

Mum4MrA · 15/10/2025 22:06

Well done for continuing your well paid career despite difficult circumstances. I agree that you need to move out and become independent for your own sanity as much as anything. It will need to be presented as a fait accompli.

I expect your mother is finding it harder looking after your DC now she is older than she was when looking after DB’s children. As well as the inbuilt misogyny and different expectations for sons and daughters. You are never going to be able to do things to her perfect standard. Even if you get close, the goalposts will change. She does sound like she enjoys being a martyr. Cognitive Analytical Therapy for you would be helpful in understanding and changing the relationship dynamics, if you can make the time to have it. It has helped me change my relationship with my mother.

Could you up nursery to 4.5-5 days in the interim while you plan moving out? Could you afford a nanny when you work away? Could you pay for a cleaner or someone to do your ironing to make those tasks easier? It’s really tough when your child’s father disappears back overseas, leaving you with no respite and no child maintenance.

You can do this! Good luck! 💐

Original poster
Bunny44 · 15/10/2025 21:30

NewHat · 15/10/2025 20:21

So what if they are giving you mixed messages about moving out? I genuinely don’t see why that matters. Or that they want you to live close to them.

I really think you are in for a shock when you have to do everything yourself, if you ever do move out.

You make it sound like I've always relied on my parents when I lived without them for half my life... They also go away not infrequently for a week or so at a time so I have been on my own and it was very hard. That's why I'm so conflicted about my options. Not really sure what your point is.

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/10/2025 21:29

Bunny44 · 15/10/2025 21:27

I think this is unfair. Few women with a baby or toddler work full time and support themselves and their child with zero help. Most women I know with young children have a lot of family help or at least a partner AND work part time. Most single mums have financial help from the state or from an ex partner. It's quite a scary thing to think to do everything both financially and logistically on my own with no back up. I know I can do it but it's a lot and not many people actually do it.

Also to remind you that my parents wanted to help.

Show quote history

I worked full time. Very little family help. I had some but not loads. And never what l really needed.

Original poster
Bunny44 · 15/10/2025 21:27

thisishowloween · 15/10/2025 20:21

Your're a grown woman with a child.

Stop relying on your parents, move out and get your independence.

I think this is unfair. Few women with a baby or toddler work full time and support themselves and their child with zero help. Most women I know with young children have a lot of family help or at least a partner AND work part time. Most single mums have financial help from the state or from an ex partner. It's quite a scary thing to think to do everything both financially and logistically on my own with no back up. I know I can do it but it's a lot and not many people actually do it.

Also to remind you that my parents wanted to help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bunny44 · 15/10/2025 21:21

stichguru · 15/10/2025 20:42

I think you need to try and have a honest conversation with your parents. I obviously don't know them and haven't spoken to them! I wonder though whether THEY are a bit confused at what they want? They clearly genuinely love you and your child and probably genuinely want to help you all they can. However to have you and your son living there and be helping you quite a lot probably is an inconvenience sometimes...

Yes you're probably right. I should also mention my dad. My son is obsessed with my dad and gets really upset when he goes out. We all love my son, but it's also tiring looking after a toddler isn't it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bunny44 · 15/10/2025 21:18

kirrenmeade · 15/10/2025 20:59

You're annoyed you cant have a social life thats built on them giving you more care and you're jealous of your brother for some reason.

You obviously dont want to more out as you dont have to think about taking care of your child. You just want them to act delighted to have to do it all for you and stop expecting you to show that youre grateful.

You'll obviously move out when you've save enough money and the kid isnt a baby anymore. Then you wont need them so much...

Wrong on all accounts. I'm going to stop responding to you as you're obviously just a wind-up.

OP posts:
kirrenmeade · 15/10/2025 20:59

You're annoyed you cant have a social life thats built on them giving you more care and you're jealous of your brother for some reason.

You obviously dont want to more out as you dont have to think about taking care of your child. You just want them to act delighted to have to do it all for you and stop expecting you to show that youre grateful.

You'll obviously move out when you've save enough money and the kid isnt a baby anymore. Then you wont need them so much...

stichguru · 15/10/2025 20:42

I think you need to try and have a honest conversation with your parents. I obviously don't know them and haven't spoken to them! I wonder though whether THEY are a bit confused at what they want? They clearly genuinely love you and your child and probably genuinely want to help you all they can. However to have you and your son living there and be helping you quite a lot probably is an inconvenience sometimes...

Mumptynumpty · 15/10/2025 20:39

Personally I would focus on things I have control over. Yes you could move out but it would be hard for you, your LO and your parents with travel being added to do picks ups to and from your new home.

What you can control is how you feel about the situation. Perhaps access a short course of therapy that helps you to be less invested in words that seem to wound you and eat away at your self esteem. Like an assertive self appraisal type thing.

Agree some structure and boundaries. You cook your way, she cooks hers. You will arrange a babysitter for social stuff (maybe an older person). Maybe have a family check meal each month to air difficulties before they become overwhelming.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/10/2025 20:38

I think you should do it gradually. Buy a house near them.And then just spend increasing amounts of time there with your ds. Build it up bit by bit. He’ll get easier, and you can work from home.

I would have left asap. I couldn’t stand my dm having any kind of hold over me. There’s no such thing as free childcare as the saying goes.

gamerchick · 15/10/2025 20:34

Look, be an adult and make the adult decision to move out and seperate from your parents. It doesn't matter what they say about it. Just do it.

The new dynamic will form and they should start treating you like an adult.

thisishowloween · 15/10/2025 20:21

Your're a grown woman with a child.

Stop relying on your parents, move out and get your independence.

NewHat · 15/10/2025 20:21

So what if they are giving you mixed messages about moving out? I genuinely don’t see why that matters. Or that they want you to live close to them.

I really think you are in for a shock when you have to do everything yourself, if you ever do move out.

Original poster
Bunny44 · 15/10/2025 20:12

@kirrenmeade Are you purposely ignoring what I actually wrote? In what part did I say they don't do enough? Or that I wasn't grateful? My issue is that I don't like being reminded constantly that they're doing me favours as it makes me and my son feel like a burden which is a horrible feeling and I worry about asking every time I have a meeting or work thing I have to go to.

For neither me or my parents is this about finance, but I pay my way and they're very happy I can save for me and my son's future at the same time. I would be financially secure if I left. Before they invited me to move in I already worked out I could afford all the bills and childcare on my own. It's not really about finance for either of us although they don't like me wasting money. I suggested renting nearby to get to know the area and they said this would me a waste of money, for instance.

OP posts:
kirrenmeade · 15/10/2025 19:53

AND they take care of a baby when you go on work trips!

kirrenmeade · 15/10/2025 19:51

So you've rented out your own house and are living for much less with your parents.
You also get lots of free childcare.

Yet, this is not enough for you as they dont do ALL the child care. This bothers you, so you've decided you dont need to be grateful for the childcare they give....?

You're nuts. OFC your parents want you to stay they're attached to the child, and ofc they want you to remain financially secure. That doesnt mean they need to do all the childcare for you and you dont have to been thankful for what they already do.

Im confused as to how you make so much money tbh, you cant figure this out?

ApricotCheesecake · 15/10/2025 18:26

Bunny44 · 15/10/2025 15:34

The comment about me seeming indulged - I don't think my single younger brother thinks that at all - and I think he was a bit mortified when he found out I'd had to cancel my plans because he asked for a lift and seemed disappointed for me. It's just my mum has a habit of dropping everything immediately if he asks because he puts least effort in to see them.

However my other brother yes. It's obviously she's complained to him and we had a few fall outs to do with that (and also that we're both tired parents of very young children). In fact of all the family relationships, the one which is most strained because of this arrangement is the one between me and my brother with children which is a whole other story, but not really to do with childcare as they chose to live near his wife's parents instead.

Overall we all get on as a family and we're the sort that argue then continue on like nothing happened but I do feel like my mum wants us to move out but also doesn't want us to go far and I feel like that expectation is a bit unfair.

Show quote history

Yes, I totally agree that it's unfair to want you to move out but not very far. You need to ignore that and choose the right place for you and DS.