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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Messages unread - AIBU?

36 replies

BlueToneTess · 14/10/2025 23:16

so many of us use what’s app, I have a friend of mine who recently created a what’s app group of friends (couples) but did not include me or another wife, despite the last time she did this she included us both without issue. There followed an invitation which clearly I never saw! Any experience of rude behaviour on social media like this or am I lucky to have it targeted to me ! ?

OP posts:
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SummerInSun · 28/10/2025 23:30

Threads like these always highlight to me the huge differences in the way people use and perceive What’s App. I think of it as a very casual and informal way to communicate. If I was inviting a couple and I got one of them on the group, I’d think “good enough, they’ll both know” and wouldn’t be at all fussed if that member of the couple added the other member. I also don’t see any problem with leaving it a few days to reply to a message unless it’s obviously time critical (eg “are you free for a quick coffee right after school drop off in 5 minutes), and I wouldn’t expect anyone to use it for anything urgent and important. If it’s urgent and important, telephone me!

But then I read threads like this where posters are analysing the time gap between messages being read and received, who is added to a group, etc, as if they were taking my an A level in the deep meaning of instant messaging and are creating complicated narratives about how good a friend someone is based on response times etc and it blows my mind.

IamnotSethRogan · 28/10/2025 23:13

Maybe she finds you tricky to communicate with and hard to understand (based on what I've seen on this thread).

CryMyEyesViolet · 28/10/2025 22:55

I’d guess most people don’t have time to be triple checking WhatsApp groups when they’ve covered enough bases to make sure the messages get to the right people.

DH and I went to a wedding las weekend, only DH was added to the WhatsApp group by the bride. He relayed every message to me, but made the mistake of not adding me as he missed the time for the breakfast meet up whereas I would’ve spotted it. I gently ribbed him for it but didn’t for a second consider this the bride’s fault.

You got the invite as intended, you can’t make it, you’ve declined and nothing else to worry about…

Original poster
BlueToneTess · 28/10/2025 22:41

Thank you for being so honest. I would like to have your life !

OP posts:
pteromum · 15/10/2025 21:34

WOW

someone is having a party. THEY invited you via your husband.
By adding one of you to an open group where others can add you.

you are busy anyway.

You are so very unreasonable

beautifuldaytosavelives · 15/10/2025 21:26

Hrtft but the messages weren’t unread or unseen…if anything they were unsent because you weren’t invited to the group. If someone never bought, wrote or posted a card to you, would you say it was undelivered? Sorry you’ve been left out but these things are rarely in error (although weird that your husband was included). Enjoy your Halloween event.

Almost2026 · 15/10/2025 20:08

If your WhatsApp messages are as hard to follow as your post here then I’m not surprised you were not added. You sound really hard work.

ExtraOnions · 15/10/2025 20:00

Your husband was on the group, he got the invite … you are therefore invited, unless each member of a couple needs an individual invitation

Sadworld23 · 15/10/2025 19:54

I see it alot. And I recognise it alot.
Thanks, take an inward look.

More reading if you are interested
williamsburgtherapygroup.com/blog/bullying-by-exclusion-how-this-common-tactic-is-used-and-how-to-heal

Shr3dding · 15/10/2025 19:13

Sadworld23 · 15/10/2025 18:33

Hrft but exclusion is a form of bullying.
So I would no longer want to be friends, but that's probably her intention.

So, what you invite everyone you know to every WhatsApp group and event?

Whilst exclusion might be bullying it makes a mockery of the term to apply it to what might be a simple oversight

Do you find bullying crops up a lot in your life?

Sadworld23 · 15/10/2025 18:33

Hrft but exclusion is a form of bullying.
So I would no longer want to be friends, but that's probably her intention.

Loveduppenguin · 15/10/2025 06:55

I hate WhatsApp groups so i would have been delighted 😀

BallerinaRadio · 15/10/2025 06:54

BlueToneTess · 15/10/2025 01:10

Thanks for the comments all - illuminating 😀

I wish I could say that same about yours you were confused and you were the one who posted

purpleygrey · 15/10/2025 06:51

You haven’t been invited to a party that you can’t go to anyway. Move on !!

steff13 · 15/10/2025 01:19

BlueToneTess · 15/10/2025 01:02

It’s fair to say no - my husband and I were never going to accept this invitation as we have a longstanding mutual commitment every Halloween. Which our friend knows…

I don't get the point of the ellipses here. Are you suggesting that she planned the party for when she did because she knew that you wouldn't be able to come?

Original poster
BlueToneTess · 15/10/2025 01:10

Thanks for the comments all - illuminating 😀

OP posts:
Neveranynamesleft · 15/10/2025 01:08

So you know you're not going to a party that you haven't been invited to anyway. Move on then.

Original poster
BlueToneTess · 15/10/2025 01:02

It’s fair to say no - my husband and I were never going to accept this invitation as we have a longstanding mutual commitment every Halloween. Which our friend knows…

OP posts:
Serpentstooth · 15/10/2025 00:21

Did your husband accept the invitation? A reply saying Mrs Bluetone and I are happy to accept/have another engagement seems in order. She's most unlikely to say 'don't bring your wife'.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 15/10/2025 00:19

BlueToneTess · 15/10/2025 00:18

My husband added me in …and she knows the other wife is not included (I know from her comment)

So she missed you and your husband added you in, crisis solved? If you don’t like her just don’t go to the party

Original poster
BlueToneTess · 15/10/2025 00:18

My husband added me in …and she knows the other wife is not included (I know from her comment)

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 15/10/2025 00:14

BlueToneTess · 15/10/2025 00:09

Sorry my title on this is misleading I realise I made a mistake
it should say messages unseen (I never saw them)
maybe I am totally unreasonable
but I wouldn’t have carried on with the group invite without an acknowledgement I missed people

Has anyone actually told her she’s missed people?

Original poster
BlueToneTess · 15/10/2025 00:09

Sorry my title on this is misleading I realise I made a mistake
it should say messages unseen (I never saw them)
maybe I am totally unreasonable
but I wouldn’t have carried on with the group invite without an acknowledgement I missed people

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 14/10/2025 23:55

BlueToneTess · 14/10/2025 23:54

She’s invited all the wives and husbands except two wives me being one of them.
I’m if it had been me I would’ve been checking the what’s app list, triple checking so as not to offend. Guess it’s just me.

Yeah you are being weird. So have you sent her a message and she’s not read it?

Original poster
BlueToneTess · 14/10/2025 23:54

She’s invited all the wives and husbands except two wives me being one of them.
I’m if it had been me I would’ve been checking the what’s app list, triple checking so as not to offend. Guess it’s just me.

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