I think (well pretty much know) my husband is having an affair. Will blow our family apart. WWYD?

You're married. You won't be penniless. Don't tell yourself this (and don't listen if he tries to tell you this).

Get professional legal advice re your rights.

Is there any other evidence?

Check bank statements, credit card statements for any unusual outgoings.

It's the usual MN LTB war cry. It makes me mad that people rush in to try and destroy marriages, when they themselves have nothing to lose.
The kindly advisers are encouraging this woman to potentially face a lonely old age on the strength of flimsy evidence.

Not conclusive but what made you get that feeling to search the bag? Presumably things haven't been 100% between you? What about sex life last few years?

If you can get hold of his phone that's worth a try for any suspicious calls or messages.

Financially get proof of his earnings. Photos of bank statements.

Normally I would say LTB, but given his age and ED, maybe he is trying out the viagra to see how it works for him?

@ImNotReallyHere Hope there is an innocent explanation, it must be awful not knowing.
When did you return to work after having your children as I note that they are much older now? Do you have savings from this that could help you to get ready to leave?

Ducks in a row = good planning and putting cash aside for eventual leaving

Is it possible his erectile problems have been less severe or long-lasting than he claims after his accident? Plenty of men avoid having sex with their wives once they've started something with someone else.

And yes, it would be helpful to know what were the things that made you suspicious enough to check his bag in the first place. It sounds as though you were already uneasy about his behaviour.

I searched his work bag as had a feeling.

@ImNotReallyHere, what behavior of his triggered your niggles?

It seems very hasty to assume he's having an affair if finding the Viagra is the only 'clue' that you have. He may indeed be having an affair, but it's very flimsy and ambiguous 'evidence' to go on, without any other signs or concerns.

As PP have said, he could be using it for masturbation purposes (with or without 'visuals' when he's alone in his hotel room), to see how it affects him before approaching you (I'm assuming that you don't currently have sexual relations together?), or just for self-confidence purposes - as ED can make men really down and feel like they 'aren't a proper man' if they can't get it up.

Flip it around: if a woman who happened to work away from home a lot were having issues with vaginal dryness and her husband found some cream for it in her work bag - would you think him reasonable to say, on that basis only, "I know she's having an affair, because why on earth else would she be using that when we're apart?" ?

Your mind must be very one dimensional if you’ve gone straight for “affair” and literally no other potential possibility. Open your mind a little…

That doesn’t mean he has definitely taken them for/with someone else. He might have been curious to see if they worked for him?

Jumping straight to an affair is hasty unless you have other suspicions.

For some reason I also don’t think he is having an affair. And I am usually the first to say LTB. There is something about this that makes me think he is innocent. I have a feeling that he has bought the Viagra for you and tried it out by himself to see what it is like. I reckon he is mortified to tell you.

Don’t jump to conclusions. Have a word with him about it. See what he says.

DH got some on prescription for ED they didn't work. When we moved a few years later cleaning out the bathroom found a package with two missing had a bad few moments until I remembered that we had tried twice.

I'm appalled at most replies are 'leave' he's having an affair! At least speak to the man before running to a solicitor with only, I "think" my husbands having an affair.

@ImNotReallyHere How do you know he isn't using viagra for masturbation?

Why are you so sure it’s not for masturbation?

Id just ignore it personally until such a time as I was in a position not to have to. Is it that massive a deal? I don't think so personally.
This is why I've always had a career.
Take this as a salutary lesson to get back in the workplace and sort your life out.
Why does it have to mean instant divorce?

OP, I also wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that it’s an affair.
I know of at least 2 men, similar ages, who admit to using Viagra just as a “leisure activity” for themselves.
Rainy afternoon activity, when there’s not much else going on - is how they have each described it.
For men with ED, I believe it at least gives them confidence.

Dig around for financials in the meantime, (and maybe prescription details as well?) and bide your time…

I agree it doesn't look great, but I think you need a bit more evidence before blowing your marriage apart over something that might (even if it's only a 10% chance) just be a bloke trying to get his todger to work like it used to.

Hard to be certain based only on finding the viagra - there’s the possibility that he’s bought it and is taking it in an attempt to understand how it works for him and intends to carry on using it while he’s away. He’d have more privacy while he’s away.

Or he could be having an affair - although if he’s embarrassed by the ED that is a huge risk for him.

I'm sorry, OP. I personally wouldn't stay (and am a similar age with kids and divorced) but can see how you feel trapped and scared to act.

I hope other, younger mumsnetters read this and appreciate the importance of maintaining financial independence throughout their lives.

I think i'd want more evidence than this. He might just be trying it out.

To maybe be more helpful on ducks in a row:
Financial

• Have at least one bank account in just your name, discreetly build up your own savings and exit funds
• Create a file with details of all assets, including pensions
• Get details of all bank accounts
• Get proof of earmings

Legal

• Speak to a solicitor

Practical
-Consider how you would want to manage housing (e.g. move out and risk not gwtting the house in a settlement, think if you could live in the house but apart, would you want him to move out).

• Consider custody options
• Consider couples counselling

And when you ask about it, keep calm and don't prejudge. I thibk it can be prescibed for other conditions.

Enquiry agents are used to getting the information you need. What you do with it need not be done in a hurry but see a solicitor