I think (well pretty much know) my husband is having an affair. Will blow our family apart. WWYD?

Just a thought but he may have bought them for his own pleasure. May want to ensure they actually work first surely.

I would just confront him. Say you have found them and you deserve an explanation.

First consult for half an hour is usually free. She needs to get some idea of what she'd be dealing with.

My husband has Ed he’s really quiet about it but he did get viagra, he mentioned it in passing to e but he really doesn’t want to have a big chat about it. It may very well be that he’s been trying it out to see what happens. I don’t think men are chill about ED, it’s often embarrassing for them.

What was your sex life like before the ED?

I don’t think you should jumping to any conclusions.

You could be dealing with a cheating husband who has lied about his ED or is using the drugs to have extra marital sex or he could be testing out if it works for him.

Even if you and him are not intimate it doesn’t stop him wanting to get hard and masturbate in private. Having ED doesn’t kill him sex drive, it will dent his ego so yes he might not be ready to discuss with you or potentially he either doesn’t want sex with you or think you would want it. But that should not stop him using it on himself.

What else makes you think he might be cheating?

Trying to insult me didn’t really answer my question, but okay.

I think you are jumping to conclusions (although I totally understand why you’ve assumed this).

ED for a man is a huge deal. It happened to my husband and he refused to talk about it out of fear, shame and embarrassment. What he did do though is research things he could do/take that would help with it so my guess is that this is what your husband is doing - trying viagra without saying anything, to see if it works. Our experience of viagara was that it didn’t work really at all - it doesn’t for everyone (and there are different types/strengths too) so he could just be trying it to see if it’s effective before approaching you about it

You haven’t said what your marriage is like - are you happy? Do you still have sex? He might just keep them in his work bag but be using them with you? Do you love each other?

You have to talk to him unless you don’t care that much and can just ignore it and carry on business as usual.

Hi OP, did you notice if this was prescribed or just purchased (it will have a pharmacy label on if prescribed). It can be prescribed for pulmonary hypotension or Reynaud's as well as for ED.

You won’t be splitting the family up, he has by his actions.

For some reason I second this. Do a bit more digging before you jump to conclusions.

You said you had a feeling OP. How come? Is there any context missing?

I find these replies really odd. It would, surely, be an unusual man who took Viagra just to see if he could get an erection and masturbate on business trips? He does have a home - and, for that matter, an office and somewhere like a gym also affording privacy, all at greater convenience than a distant hotel room.

And, yes, of course I'd say the same about a woman testing vaginal lube on a business trip rather than her own bathroom. The idea's absurd!

I'm very sorry, @ImNotReallyHere, you must feel disoriented to say the least. There's no need to take instant action, but @Wowwee1234's reply at 23:29 is sensible. It's never a bad idea to have those ducks lined up. There are a lot of good posts here about it, dealing with various situations. Just search for "Ducks in a row".

Meantime, do treat yourself kindly. Look after your calm and do whatever helps you feel highly focused

Confront him and see if you can save your relationship.25 years is a long time to throw everything away. Not saying what he's doing is OK of course or that you should forget.

Personally, I’d feel a bit of an idiot going to see a lawyer, with the costs involved, then finding there was another explanation.

I think it's a leap to conclude this is an affair because you found a little viagra. Do you still have any sex at all?

My DH has viagra and sometimes has taken them hoping something will happen, but he's not very good at communicating that, so nothing happened, even though I notice later some has been taken. Maybe your husband has done the same?

Could be in his bag because he's embarrassed about needing them?

This is what I think, too, @ImNotReallyHere

But you said there were other things that made you lean towards him having an affair.

I’m truly sorry. This must feel like a kick right in the stomach.
Make very sure your suspicions are correct before you make any further decisions.
Then follow the advice of these very wise women here on Mumsnet.
Stay calm. Act rationally.
Sending love from faraway ❤️

He might not be having an affair. But he's choosing to have erections when you're not around or attempt to have an erection when youre not around. I'm assuming you don't have sex with him?

If you're married then (at least?) half of everything is yours - pension, investments, house, savings.

But I'm guessing you're used to a certain daily lifestyle and you're unlikely to get spousal maintenance, so your lifestyle will change, should you divorce him

If I were you, I'd try to discover if there actually IS an affair and get his paperwork photocopied

You don't know anything yet. Get the finance information all together and speak with a lawyer. THEN approach him with the evidence and see how he responds to the evidence of the Viagr. Don't accuse. Don't tell him what finance evidence you've collected or what the lawyer said.

Do you have shared assets i.e. the house?

You could always do nothing

Could he have wanted you to find them. You say you ‘just discovered’ them in his bag. Do you always check his bag and does he know this? Don’t ask me why, I’m clutching as much as everyone.

Can you do some more sleuthing. Ask AI for advice. I’d be checking his phone, tablets etc, (AI can tell you how to do it best) . Then check your bank accounts.

Yes of course she needs to find out what’s going on.
What she doesn’t need to do is start immediate divorce proceedings, or at least not on the strength of a bunch of MNetters, who have nothing to lose if they drop the wrong advice.

Chances are he’s having an affair since you already had a feeling and when you looked for evidence, you found some.

What you do about it is not clear cut. I know quite a few women who stayed with partners whose infidelity they discovered close to retirement. Most despise their husbands but have a significantly better standard of living than they’d have if they divorced, and they prefer that. Of the ones I know well enough to have talked about their sex life, none still sleep with them. Two women I know stayed but their husbands left them a few years later. They were devastated and one got really screwed over financially. 3 that I know left their husbands, one went a bit wild, travelled, had a bunch of lovers, and has now remarried. Another remarried very quickly and seems happy (but it’s only been a couple of years), another has been lonely and seems to sort of regret it but also says she couldn’t have stayed.

None still had kids at home.

I think it’s probably worth getting as much detail on the financials as you can and paying for an hour with a decent divorce lawyer. Just find out where you stand and what you can do to protect your finances. Also, get tested for STDs, even if you haven’t had sex since you suspect this started. If he’s done it once he may have been doing it all your married life.

Get informed and then plan for the life you want.

Don’t have sex with him again without a condom. Unless you decide, for sure, he hasn’t been sleeping around. Find an excuse, or tell him what you suspect. Don’t risk your health.

Otherwise known as pattern recognition. The simplest explanation is almost always the correct one.

No one is saying she has to dump him on the spot without asking any more questions. But she would be hopelessly naive not to find out what's going on and prepare herself for the fact it's unlikely to be anything she wants to hear.

He might be using them for watching porn 'alone time' if he has ED so keep your cards close to your chest for now and keep digging.

Wait until you have concrete evidence of an affair before you do anything hasty.