To be upset my mum said this

I get the issues people have with your dad but that still doesn’t excuse your mum talking to you like that.

This is a tricky situation, she had you when she was still a child herself, and she obviously couldn't manage it on her own which is why your Dad had more care of you (he was quite a bit older to be fair, that's quite a difference in maturity levels at that age) and it obviously hurts her too much to feel that she wasn't the Mum to you that she is to her other children so she's projecting it all onto others- saying that you weren't raised to respect her which might be partly true if your Dad and step mum said bad things about her, as well as that it's very different that she's now raising children as an adult with a husband, rather than a single teenager. They are 2 completely different situations and unfortunately you are the one who missed out due to no fault of your own. Hopefully you can have the best possible relationship with her as adults.

How old are you op?
and do you have kids?

I have to say that as a middle aged person with a 17yo and a 19yo, the thought of either of them having had a child with a 20something is utterly horrifying.

So your Dad had a relationship with another very young woman? I’m sorry OP but I think you may have had so much poison dropped in your ear by your Dad and step Mum that you’re clouding how you see your Mum. She made sure to see you despite being VERY young and it sounds like you were happy with her.

Ok so I’m sorry you feel this way and that you feel abandoned. However, she couldn’t cope and Dad was primary carer (the other way around wouldn’t be considered abandonment) you admit your Dad spoke poorly of her, is it possible you treat her disrespectfully? Only you know this. I had 50/50 with my children and their Dad talked negatively about me all the time and I’ve certainly been treated with less respect than I deserve, I hold that in. However, I can see how it might hurt your Mum. Could you consider therapy together?

It sounds like your mum was very vulnerable. I can see why what she said is hurtful to you, but I can also see why she feels that way. I just don't think you needed to hear it.
How old are you now, and how old are your siblings on mums side?

I’m so sorry. I’m sure you feel she’s rejected/ abandoned you all over again.
If you haven’t sought therapy, please do seek some support to work through the impact of your mother’s issues.

You're trying to justify it but really it doesn't matter if your mum was in school or working, a 21/22 yr old had no business sleeping with her.
I can understand as a teenager not being able to cope with the idea of being abandoned and your feelings are valid but I think you do need to give your mum some slack. You don't have to completely forgive her but you do need to accept things are how they are and she may not be capable of approaching it any differently. You need to decide if that's the case, are you willing to accept that to keep a relationship and what level of contact you want to maintain.

I think it is an interesting point that when she had once weekly visitation it was seen as abandonment, but not when dad had once weekly visitation. Why is that and does this contribute to bad feeling in the family?

Id seek therapy op for your own mental health. I think theres lots to unpick and perhaps a point of acceptance by you needs to be reached

No one is covering themselves on glory on parent front. No decent parent or step parent would badmouth the other biological parent.

You say you think you have a good relationship given history but saying things like 'she could suddenly cope' is inflammatory and perhaps perceived by your mum as disrespectful. Even if its how you feel.

You say she wont take responsibility but im confused what you want her to take responsibility for as she seems to feel she has given you an explanation that your dad wouldnt allow it.

I think your in a no win situation. You have been given so many versions. As I said id be looking at therapy to reaxh a point of acceptance for yojr own wellbeing.

Watch her change her mind when there is something down the line she thinks she needs from you

Do you have children of your own yet? Perhaps a girl who will be 16 one day? I think there’s much more to this than you understand so far, and I think it’ll be a while before you will be able to wrap your head around things. To me, it seems that no adult abandoned you: you had a loving and stable upbringing. I would take that as a win and forgive pretty much the rest of it; none of it would have been easy. Your mum and dad have both grown into the adults they are now since they had you and you can’t judge their 16 and 22yo selves by the people they are now. This is why teenagers shouldn’t be having children, ideally!

I agree with PPs that I don’t think your dad sounds great in this. A grown man getting a 16 year old pregnant, leaving her to bring up the baby on her own for a year. And then when he does step up, he only does so after he’s found another even younger woman to help him.

On top of that he then bad mouths the mother, even though she sees the OP once a week (which if it was the other way round and the dad seeing her once a week would be considered normal and not abandonment) so she’s grown up feeling like her mother abandoned her. That language likely came from the dad. It’s reeks of parental alienation.

Your dad was a grown man fucking a 16 year old schoolgirl. He impregnated her and then after a year of playing happy families he left you both. He then, as a guy in his mid-20s, started dating an 18/19 year old and got her acting as your mum. I get that he raised you and you love him but the more you say, the more I think your mum might have a point about her being pushed out of your life.

Very difficult. I do think the ages kind of stink a bit. She was 16 when she got pregnant and barely turned 17 when she had a newborn. The man getting her pregnant was very significantly older. A grown adult 21/22 shagging a teen schoolgirl. Very significant imbalance of power.

it’s clear why she can cope with her 3 subsequent children. Because she didn’t have them as a teen and presumably their father has functioned as a team with her in bringing them up.

I think that her assertion that she is a good parent because she brings up the other 3 is actually valid. She didn’t cast you off because she didn’t want you, she simply couldn’t cope. She’s probably distanced herself to keep sane and shield herself from the wound of losing you and believing (rightly or wrongly) that she was pushed away by your stepmother/father.

I think on balance that I would give her the benefit of the doubt.

Obviously what my DM did was worse but I think the feeling is the same. Especially since she obviously put in a lot more time with the siblings so that put more of a spotlight on the lesser relationship with the OP.
I also think there is a bit of societal misogyny there because if it was the dad seeing the child once a week that is perfectly ok, but there it a bit of side eye if a DM does the same. Causing her (and my) DM to scramble to make excuses for the situation, that inadvertently hurt the OP.

What's the likelihood of you all getting together to talk about things, with a counsellor, perhaps? Maybe the truth will be told then. You're going between one version to another and it must be driving you crazy.

Really sorry your mum behaved the way she did, and then spoke to you like that. It does sound like she’s trying to blame others so she doesn’t have to take responsibility for her own actions. Easier said than done but please don’t blame yourself- you were just a baby when she left and deserved so much better from your mum.

Well I don't think you should take it as any reflection on you - it's about her and her issues. Maybe she could cope with a partner but not without one. Parents split and kids stay with their mothers all the time, and this isn't usually described as the father "abandoning" the child. Maybe there was an element of sexism in how your father spoke about her?

I think you remind her of what she sees, rightly or wrongly, as her failures. I know it's not easy, but try not to "take it" like anything. It's not you.

I'm not blaming OP. If I was looking for who was to blame I'd say it was probably her father or step mother as I suspect it was one of them who influenced her feelings around her mum and told her that she was abandoned. OP was not abandoned, she was co-parented.

You could respond by saying you don't have much respect for her for abandoning you. And she didn't respect you enough to be a mother to you.

But I probably wouldn't go down that road as it wouldn't be great for your relationship.

The ops mum was around though, every week, she wasn't abandoned even though she may feel that way and I understand why she would feel that but it's not really.

Also have to say your father sounds like a predator, he really messed up a 16yr olds life, not surprised she struggled.

My DM disappeared when I was 8 and reappeared when I was 15 and if I bring it up she reacts in a similar way to yours. I think it's partially guilt and partially immaturity. She couldn't stick around and raise us because she was immature and a bit selfish, and she always will be. They can't admit that out loud, it sounds awful. Only very evolved, emotionally intelligent people could admit such fault and allow everyone to heal and grow from it.
So they need to create a narrative that is somewhat acceptable for what they did.
To smooth it over and make it all ok.
It is hurtful, but it's just them. Not you.