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Dry texter or flaky ghoster?

64 replies

enkelt2 · 14/10/2025 17:50

Once again I'm in need of Mumsnet's wisdom... too embarrassed to ask people IRL about this.

So I met this guy three months ago in a full-time, month-long course. During the course there was barely any time to hang out 1-1. But we managed to hang out alone twice before the course ended, once a breakfast thing, and the second a market foods + drinks thing (both his invitation). Right before he flew back to his country, he texted me privately for the first time (we have a group chat).

Then a week later, I decided to text him, just a casual chat about the course. Initially he was quite dry, like literally 'Hi, how are you' as if we were meeting for the first time. Then, eventually, it became 3-5 messages per 1-2 days from both of us, but not a live chat. I would say it wasn't flirty, just friendly.

It got to the point where... he practically invited me to his city. I showed him my calendar and he wrote down his city in the holiday times.

I wasn't sure how many days of my holiday we were gonna meet up (I was expecting maybe 1 full Saturday + a dinner or something). Then he made it clear that he'd show me around pretty much every day after work (almost his exact words).

He also asked me to tell him the hotel name, my flight arrival time and airport.

Well, since I sent him the time and airport, he's not replied for a week. I followed up with, Do you know when we'll meet? I can plan around that. Again silence for 2 days.

So... uhm, have I met a majestic ghoster whose suggestion has cost me at least £1k? I mean, I was gonna visit the city anyway, there are lots to do. But still... I wonder what's going on. If it helps, his texting has always been literal: full sentences with correct punctuation and perfect grammar. To the point and effective.

To make it clear, no, we have not done anything remotely intimate. And no, he's not from the UK. His city is about 3.5hrs away.

Don't need any psychoanalysis but would appreciate any insights!

OP posts:
enkelt2 · 15/10/2025 17:40

Anewketchup · 15/10/2025 17:37

I’m confused

why did you open your calendar up to him to edit?

Well, I was just showing him what my holidays look like as we work the same job.

OP posts:
Anewketchup · 15/10/2025 17:38

enkelt2 · 15/10/2025 17:36

He clearly won this one, and I might not be ready to let it go for some time, because honestly, this was a whole nother level. I don't get what thrill he gets out of this if he was never serious?! Contribution to tourist tax? A bet with his friend? Entertainment during queues? (Minimal) emotional labour (there was barely any and our energy matched)? He's 40 btw, should find this uninteresting?! Anyway...

As pp said… messaging a couple of times a day just filled those empty mins when you’re in a queue etc.

A mild distraction, he thought just all a bit fanciful and you on same page, and is now 😮 that it’s turned in to reality and no longer the mild distraction it was.

I wouldnt give him another thought

Anewketchup · 15/10/2025 17:37

enkelt2 · 15/10/2025 17:33

Well, he made an edit to my calendar and wrote down his city, and was like, Let me know what you think of this plan. I then announced that 'I already booked the tickets'. To be fair, his city's been on the list anyway, meeting up was just something extra.

I’m confused

why did you open your calendar up to him to edit?

enkelt2 · 15/10/2025 17:36

He clearly won this one, and I might not be ready to let it go for some time, because honestly, this was a whole nother level. I don't get what thrill he gets out of this if he was never serious?! Contribution to tourist tax? A bet with his friend? Entertainment during queues? (Minimal) emotional labour (there was barely any and our energy matched)? He's 40 btw, should find this uninteresting?! Anyway...

OP posts:
enkelt2 · 15/10/2025 17:33

Anewketchup · 15/10/2025 13:38

Did you discuss visiting his city before booking

or did you book and then tell him?

Well, he made an edit to my calendar and wrote down his city, and was like, Let me know what you think of this plan. I then announced that 'I already booked the tickets'. To be fair, his city's been on the list anyway, meeting up was just something extra.

OP posts:
Anewketchup · 15/10/2025 13:38

Did you discuss visiting his city before booking

or did you book and then tell him?

TheCowgirl · 14/10/2025 21:19

He didn’t think you would actually do it! He enjoyed the flirting but when push comes to shove, hes dove the typical Italian guy thing & backed off. BUT don’t be surprised if, when you arrive there, he turns up —for sex—. Up to you how you play it, but I went out with an Italian guy once & they are hard work! Just enjoy the city, chalk it down to experience, and don’t get involved if you don’t want a life of second guessing a manchild!

iamnotalemon · 14/10/2025 19:52

Yeah it sounds like he’s got massively cold feet. What an idiot. Just go and enjoy your holiday and I wouldn’t be texting him again that’s for sure!! Honestly, it’s so exhausting dealing with these man children.

Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 18:47

You’ll have a cracking time op

enkelt2 · 14/10/2025 18:46

Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 18:42

He did it when waiting for the train, in a queue for groceries, waiting for the lift etc.

Im sorry op but to be fair if a single Italian man is 100% not flirting and ALL factual - it’s unlikely that he actually wants to get laid or sees this as anything remotely sexual.

if in doubt, an Italian man will flirt.

Enjoy. What city? Might be able to recommend some places

Fair enough. Thanks for painting the picture, that makes it very concrete. 😂

OP posts:
Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 18:42

enkelt2 · 14/10/2025 18:34

😂So... the texting was all the fun he needed and wanted? That's an astonishingly huge waste of time, at least I am getting a trip out of this...😂😂

He did it when waiting for the train, in a queue for groceries, waiting for the lift etc.

Im sorry op but to be fair if a single Italian man is 100% not flirting and ALL factual - it’s unlikely that he actually wants to get laid or sees this as anything remotely sexual.

if in doubt, an Italian man will flirt.

Enjoy. What city? Might be able to recommend some places

enkelt2 · 14/10/2025 18:34

Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 18:28

Tendency to get carried away!

OP, I’m half Italian. This man is ghosting you because he can’t actually believe you have seen this through.

Id go, enjoy (what city?) and put him to back of mind.

I would wager he has a love interest that’s brewing

😂So... the texting was all the fun he needed and wanted? That's an astonishingly huge waste of time, at least I am getting a trip out of this...😂😂

OP posts:
enkelt2 · 14/10/2025 18:32

Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 18:30

So if 100% factual and no flirting, why were you saying he’d want to get a lay out of the trip?

Well. You're right. I just thought all this chatter was intentional.

OP posts:
Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 18:31

Not to be crass but at this point if I were him I'd try to get laid, last day of my journey.

why? When zero flirting and all contact 100% factual?

Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 18:30

enkelt2 · 14/10/2025 18:29

Sigh. I should think I was very careful on that front. I didn't mention anything like that, and texts are all factual, 0% flirty. He himself told me that one of the rooms is in his neighbourhood.

So if 100% factual and no flirting, why were you saying he’d want to get a lay out of the trip?

Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 18:29

enkelt2 · 14/10/2025 18:27

This part was certain, he said it, and then he said, he'll take me to places other than the standard tourist list I showed him. This he said twice.

Yes OP now you have confirmed Italian I am honestly not least bit surprised

Probably one of my cousins 🤭

enkelt2 · 14/10/2025 18:29

Mydahliasareshit · 14/10/2025 18:27

Maybe it all got a bit too real to him, or could it be your communications are making it clear you're hoping for a relationship but he's already involved?

Possibly he's worried people he knows will see you together out on the town?

Sigh. I should think I was very careful on that front. I didn't mention anything like that, and texts are all factual, 0% flirty. He himself told me that one of the rooms is in his neighbourhood.

OP posts:
Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 18:28

enkelt2 · 14/10/2025 18:26

If Italian... well.... what does it say about this situation...

Tendency to get carried away!

OP, I’m half Italian. This man is ghosting you because he can’t actually believe you have seen this through.

Id go, enjoy (what city?) and put him to back of mind.

I would wager he has a love interest that’s brewing

enkelt2 · 14/10/2025 18:27

Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 18:25

He “almost” said he’d show you around his city?

This part was certain, he said it, and then he said, he'll take me to places other than the standard tourist list I showed him. This he said twice.

OP posts:
Mydahliasareshit · 14/10/2025 18:27

Maybe it all got a bit too real to him, or could it be your communications are making it clear you're hoping for a relationship but he's already involved?

Possibly he's worried people he knows will see you together out on the town?

enkelt2 · 14/10/2025 18:26

Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 18:25

Nationality? I am going to guess Italian

If Italian... well.... what does it say about this situation...

OP posts:
Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 18:25

Nationality? I am going to guess Italian

Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 18:25

He “almost” said he’d show you around his city?

enkelt2 · 14/10/2025 18:24

Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 18:23

he practically invited me to his city.

but not actually?

so you have hung out alone twice on this course. And that’s it?

Edited

You are right. He didn't say 'come here,' but he marked my calendar. After that he then said all the promising things about showing me around. And confirmed dates, accommodation, etc.

OP posts:
Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 18:23

he practically invited me to his city.

but not actually?

so you have hung out alone twice on this course. And that’s it?