Upset with long time friends - long

Or that your values are just different. I’d let a friendship like this fizzle out as when you’re on the receiving end of it it’s obvious as you can tell everything you’re doing is being weighed up as ‘good enough’ or ‘not good enough.’

I always think it’s interesting that these types of ‘testing’ friends don’t tend to be friends with each other, I think in some ways the dynamic is codependent for the types of people on both sides.

Yanbu at all. Yes, they forgot but they should at least have made a proper attempt at making sure you were ok. They could have all called to your house with apology flowers or arranged a special surprise for you. Calling the theatre and a couple of texts doesn't seem like enough of an effort in my opinion to show regret for their mistake and for hurting a good friend. It was a pretty big oversight. Season tickets, not just one ticket.

I can understand why you’re upset - and I would be too in your shoes, I know. But from an outside perspective, you have been very dramatic and I’d say you’ve made a bit of a mountain out a molehill. Not including you really isn’t the same as deliberately setting out to exclude you. If it helps, I’ve had exactly the same thing happen (albeit in the context of a larger group) - was arranging a theatre trip with one friend when another friend came into the coffee shop. She saw the brochure and said she’d like to go and would we get a ticket for her and her DD. Cue several post on Facebook from her and a lot of upset at the school gates from other people asking why they hadn’t been invited. When, in reality, it wasn’t an “inviting” thing; more of a spur of the moment “let’s go”. And it does sound to me like that’s what might have happened here. Plus - genuine question - are you a regular theatregoer or someone who’s expressed an interest in being one? If not, that might also explain why they didn’t immediately think of you in that sort of situation.

If you’d like to go, get a ticket and meet up with them in the bar beforehand and at the interval. If not, I wouldn’t let it sour what sounds like a really positive set of friendships - these are rare and worth nurturing, even through a rough patch.

And I see where you’re coming from but if they don’t meet for a chat and a clearing of the air how do they move forward.

coffee, five minutes of discussion, listening and acceptance that we all fuck up sometimes. Then onto have you seen x tv show, how’s your new grandchild etc.

OP won’t suddenly feel perfectly ok about it but she has still got her friends and these feelings do fade.

I’m afraid I think that you have over-reacted.
Life is too short to sulk with friends. Put it behind you and move on!

Then, long live sulking, but it does recalibrate the situation without you having to do anything and perhaps they may say 'Ooh, where is OP? We must contact her.' Hey presto! She is back in the picture. If they don't bother, then she knows the friendship were valueless.

I’d feel very sad, but if I was the other friend in this scenario, I’d probably feel more relieved to just let the friendship go than be on ‘good friend’ probation for ever more.

This is a really difficult situation and I understand why you are so upset. I would be really hurt in your position too. I actually think the message you sent was the perfect response - you let the friend know why you are upset, asked for space, and made it clear you want the friendship to continue.

It can happen that in the moment, tickets are purchased on a whim without thinking of anyone who isn’t in the room at the time. I can see how this would happen for one event, but I struggle to think I would have bought a season ticket without thinking of who else might want to join though. The difficulty is that for however long the season ticket lasts, this group of friends will regularly be doing an activity without you that would previously have included you.

I would hope that they will give you first refusal of their ticket each time they go if one of them cannot go. I would also hope each time they go that they tell you and include you in the event so that you have the possibility of buying an individual ticket and joining in.

But I have to say, right now if I were your best friend or even one of the others, I’d feel so awful for hurting your feelings I would be searching for a season ticket to another activity, to find something we could do together, to let you know how much the friendship means. I hope your friend does something like this for you.

Meanwhile, it’s a classic saying but time does heal. The season tickets will eventually run out and they can include you in the next round.

The trouble is that generally you won't get told even if there was one or a few group members who didn't want you there. So by making a statement about it, you've not achieved anything, and I would say, maybe changed their view of you.

I'd would have been upset in a similar situation but I would have let time pass until my initial feelings had abated a bit, and not sent a message laying them out. It was possibly an oversight and I think you need to treat it as such.

Friends are valuable, to me anyway. Maintaining them is important I think, and making new ones not always easy. We should forgive our friends their oversights and quirks so long as we still enjoy their company.

How many times do you think the other person should apologise and try to put it right? She hasn’t committed a crime or slept with her husband 😊 If the OP still isn’t happy with that, then I think the friendship is just incompatible. It happens.

That’s exactly why I’m suggesting that OP meets her friend to talk to her rather than send texts ( emotional and designed to make her friend feel bad). Speaking honestly and remembering all the good times is productive. And it’s genuinely true that as you get older your friends will start to get illnesses and even die.

Ask me how I know this. Fortunately I haven’t been left with any regrets or misunderstandings.

I bet they know though…

I agree with your post but would absolutely dread that as the other friend. Feeling as though I had to apologise again in person for my crapness and being ‘in trouble.’ I know that’s absolutely me being pathetic and your version is the mature approach, but I bet anything that the friend in question has multiple other shit things going on, as most of us do and has already apologised unreservedly.

Completely agree that bigger life things happen and how sad it would be that it was over theatre ticket disorganisation.

That's also known as sulking!

Not saying I haven't used it myself, but it is a sulk.

I don't think the op did anything wrong by articulating what she was feeling.

That sounds a lot like emotional blackmail. It’s not OP’s role to fix and repair, just in case someone gets ill or dies! Are they considering the lost evenings they now won’t see op? No. They are not. People pleasing is not the way to go. Honesty, candid conversations and striking a mutual understanding and agreement for the future will see genuinely repair this rupture.

Can you not just buy a season ticket for yourself and then you can go to the theatre with them?

I can understand why you feel upset to have been left out but I wouldn't let it spoil the friendship.

That is my point though, if she has different values / needs that are non-negotiable to her in friendship than to the friend that’s apologising to her, then ultimately they’re just incompatible as friends.

Texts in these situations make things worse in my experience. These are old friends and they are valuable. Yes they have hurt your feelings but beware of throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

In your shoes I would suggest meeting your closest friend for a coffee and a chat and have an honest conversation. Listen to her and try to understand her position which must also be uncomfortable.

As we age we can lose friends quite suddenly to illness, I don’t want to scaremonger but can you imagine your long friendship ending over some theatre tickets and not being able to put things right?

If you like them and are suffering from hurt feelings then say so and find a way forward.

See, I actually think their response is quite revealing - but not in the way you mean.

When the subject of going to the play was raised in the pub, not one friend said "oh shit, you didn't get a ticket to this Janet, did you? How on earth did we miss you out, so sorry!" No one thought of including her or trying to get an extra ticket until OP specifically said on the phone to her friend later that she would have liked to have gone along.

That suggests that she wasn't accidentally forgotten - she just wasn't someone that they'd automatically include in the group. They like her enough to try and put it right when she expressed the fact she was feeling a bit sad, and that's nice. But their response suggests this is a group of friends who like OP but don't necessarily think of her as part of the core group. OP views them differently, and that's the issue here. She thought she was closer to them and evidently that's not the case.

Also, the reference to friends with grown-up DD and them being long-term friends suggests they're not in the thick of it with school runs, sleepless nights and everything else. Honestly, I think the explanation is as simple as OP wasn't someone that they automatically include - and that's what stings.

If I were OP I don't actually think I would be able to come back from that, tbh. I'd feel really humiliated and would probably just withdraw, although would be happy to nod and say hello if I passed them at the theatre etc.

Maybe you're right with the explanation though - I think you're just a bit nicer and more forgiving than me 😂

I don’t think op is giving them the ‘silent treatment’ it seems to me she is taking time out to work out how she feels. Silent treatment is usually accompanied by a lack of reason or any communication about the problem. Leaving the other party confused and unsure about what has happened. That hasn’t happened here at all.

I don’t think it’s a terrible idea communicating the issue, and then stepping back for a bit, it will give the others a chance to reflect on their behaviour and thoughtlessness. Therefore potentially preventing another situation like this.

But if you apply your logic to the op, she needs friends who actually think about her or what’s the point?

I think it's perfectly reasonable and totally human of you to feel hurt, OP.

I also think stepping back and reassessing the friendship if perfectly valid.

That said, the message was a little bit 'departure announcing' in tone and I don't see how it helped the situation at all.

If I were you I'd keep my distance for a while and keep my cards closer to my chest until emotions have settled.

Most of us do things with different combinations of friends, though. It’s not that three others are joined at the hip to the OP for every possible activity. There are friends it would never occur to me to invite to the opera, for instance. The OP may regard them as a foursome, but that won’t mean the other three don’t also see themselves as an occasional threesome, or three of an entirely different, larger group.

I disagree that your text was ott. It was honest, you were IMO justifiably hurt and said so I can;t stand it when people say 'oh nothing' if you ask what is wrong. f something has upset you, then say so, that's the only way anyone cna try to make amends, put things right or be more thoughtful in future.

Personally I wouldn't end the friendship over this, it wa extremely thoughtless, but hopefully no more than that. I wouldn't give them a second chance though if anything similar happens going forward.

Regarding the theatre, do your partner or kids (if old enough) or another family member enjoy theatre ? If so could you get season tickets for you and one (or more) of them and meet up with your friends in the interval for a drink? Then you'll have someone to sit with but still be able to chat about the show with the friends.

I think pretty much everyone will empathize with your being hurt over unintentionally being left out.

I'm glad your friend apologized, that they attempted to rectify their mistake, and that she's not pushing you to get over it. She sounds like she's handling that well. Your initial discussion asking what happened and being honest that you would have liked to go and were hurt to not be considered; that's good communication and self-advocacy.

But I think that making your friends either try to chase you now or be left in some sort of suspended sentence (not initiating contact, letting calls go to voicemail, refusing to talk about it, saying maybe you'll end the friendship) is not mature, healthy or proportionate. If you're being perfectly honest with yourself, how do you want your friends to react to this? Do you want them to grovel more? To just wait and soak in their guilt? Do you genuinely need distance from them to get over your feelings and will feel respected and cared for if they just give you that?

In my experience after these sorts of hurts once you've expressed your feelings and they've sincerely apologized it's usually more helpful to reinforce your positive interactions and feelings around the relationship by sort of 'faking it til you make it'. Intentionally distancing yourself or repeatedly bringing up the issue with no actionable request rarely leads anywhere but long-term relationship damage. And while it's certainly your prerogative to end or downgrade friendships for any reason, that does seem disproportionate and a shame in this case.

To be clear, I'm not criticizing your feelings of lingering hurt. But I think your more recent behavior is not ideal for you or the friendships.