Upset with long time friends - long

You sound like you have a lovely friend set-up OP and I wouldn’t get caught in details. Your friend sounds she hasn’t let the text affect the friendship which is a testament to her goodwill. I would put it all in the past.

I think it's thoughtless of them, especially if you normally do things as a group but I do think they've tried really hard to sort you a ticket once they realised you were hurt and feeling left out. I think it's just one of those things unfortunately, I'd feel hurt and forgotten about too but they do sound like good friends who just messed up this time. I'd be careful about not damaging the relationship beyond repair by being out of touch with your best friend, if it's something you value deeply- it sounds like it is. 💐

OP, you'll get alot of accusations of being overdramatic here. Apparently some Mumsnet users don't do feelings - just robotic Jane Austen style responses 🙄 but I highly doubt they're as PC in their own lives as they 'instruct' all other women to be in there's.

What they did was hurtful. You've shown more respect than ghosting them. Time OP - all you can give it is time and see whether in that space you feel differently. But honestly, the sad part is - the friendship is probably always a little bit jaded now. When people show you who they are - believe them. They showed you - at best they're thoughtless, at worst, it was instigated.

We all have an ability to plaster on a smile and we can even go as far as to enjoy a good night out, a catch up, and we can laugh, gossip, swap stories and really enjoy ourselves but when people have hurt us - it forever changes our perception of them and how we feel about them deep down. On a superficial level everything can seem fine but underneath it's just not the same anymore.

Every mumsnetter who scoffs at the idea of people being hurt at their actions and should 'just get over it and move on' - well in the end - those people are probably only left with fairweather friends.

Maybe that's where you get to with these friends. In time you could probably get to a place where they're fun to socialise with but you're never going to be as invested as you once were.

And people may think this post is overly dramatic but it's not really - it's explaining a simple fact - when a person (or group) hurts you - it changes the way you feel about them. That's pretty black and white.

Equally, now - it's just going to feel a bit awkward - particularly with you knowing that for the next 12months you're excluded from all the theatre trips and no doubt will need to hear all about it when you do meet up.

But these people are important to you clearly and there's a probably a huge amount of shared history - so you have that to lose - along with possibly a significant part of your social life (and having a social life is important).

See how you feel OP. Christmas/New Year isn't too far away and that's the time when you can step into sending cards/messages and reconnecting, if you feel you want to then.

You're not over reacting to be in a place of re-evaluating the friendship though at all.

I strongly disagree with the suggestions to buy your own season tickets and join them. Talk about being a third wheel!

Growing up, I was told:
If you're not invited, don't go.
If you're not told, don't ask.
If you're invited at the last minute, decline.

Your friends don't value the friendship the way you do, or the way you thought they did. The friendship might limp on but it won't ever be the same. Strengthen your other friendships and limit this one to inconsequential chit chat when it suits you.

Thoughtless but you were OTT and a bit dramatic. Let it go

Get yourself a season ticket too. Then if it is a bit separate from theirs maybe ask if they’ll take it in turns to have the separate seat so you’re not always sat on your own.

That's what I was thinking too. If they're actually sorry for excluding you and it's not just hollow words then they'll take it in turns to have the separate seat!

Going through something very similar and adjusting to a different dynamic in my friendship group. It is disappointing when you feel your friends let you down. It isn’t the theatre trip, it is the fact you didn’t even cross their minds.

Give yourself some time to see if you actually miss these friends, sometimes we stay in friendships out of habit or sentimentality when the relationships have often run their course.

I thought your text/email was honest and reasonable.

Maybe she’s one of those Mners who grasps that friends don’t have to be joined at the hip, and that people do things in different combinations? The OP wasn’t there when the plan to buy season tickets came up because they don’t do everything together, and it went ahead without her for the same reason.

When you buy a season ticket do you have the same seat for every play? With mine I book a seat each time. So I’d only not be able to sit with them for the first play.

I totally understand why you’re upset. I would be too.

The OP says they meet up separately and it’s all fine. Not sure some pp read the OP’s first post properly?

Anyhow, in your situation, I’d be devastated and I don’t think that’s dramatic. It’s an ongoing regular event which you’ve been left out of, despite everyone knowing it was your favourite author. I’d feel extremely hurt, surely that’s human nature, you see a post on social media, you weren’t invited and the advice on here is to stop looking at social media! I know we’re not kids, but it’s very hard to smile politely and move on when 3 of the 4 are going out regularly without you. Buying a ticket and knowing they’re sitting together is very hard to swallow.

Being older doesn’t stop being left out less hurtful.

I don't think apology flowers ever have to be "ludicrous." Why shouldn't people be apologetic. I mean lying prostrate in the street outside her house might be overdoing it, but there's nothing wrong with a bunch of flowers.

I would definitely have feelings about this, I think most people would, but I think the previous poster is suggesting that the response to the friend’s apologies might be disproportionate. It sounds as though the friend is doing her best to make amends. Based on the OP’s recent posts it sounds like she’s also trying to move on.

But she feels it is a huge deal?!

Are you one of the super cool mumsnetters who never catches feelings?

This, and I think they are closer to each other than to you, you are a friend but not the main group. It’s hard to realise.

I think you should heed your own words - "things like that do happen". They clearly care deeply about you and have tried to mend the situation even though they haven't exactly done something "wrong". It is definitely not a situation worth damaging good friendships over - I've had much more challenging moments that this in my good friendships and always worked through them by both sides prioritising the friendship over short term issue.

I'm astounded by the vote OP. You have been left out in reality of several events, and in a group of four you are the only one to be left out. That is not a small, easily understood mistake.

Your feelings are valid, your reaction is completely normal and your response, to put it out there and let them know that they are hurting you is mature and healthy. I do wonder about a lot of the people on here keen to sweep things under rugs, swallow hurt or simply not care about others' feelings.

Google Social pain, and the cyber ball experiment. This is what you are experiencing, it is the negative experience of social exclusion. It trigger the same part of the brain that physical pain does. It is very real and painful.

Be kind to yourself.

We’ve recently come across something similar in our ‘group’. We have a group chat where ideas and meet ups are planned.
We also chat about random stuff or if one of us is having a crappy day etc.
Sometimes there can be 20 messages on there, sometimes none at all but a couple of people have left the main group chat because they felt totally overwhelmed by the volume of messages if we were planning something, which to be fair, is totally understandable.
They now have to rely on being informed by other friends that are on the chat…. Our recent get together was arranged and once we were there we realised that a person was missing and we had all forgotten to let them know individually about the trip. They were really upset and felt let down, and we felt awful…. By not attending some of the meet-ups it does mean you miss out on any plans that are made at that time, it was thoughtless of them and you’re right to feel upset, but I can see how it easily happens with no malicious intent.

If it's anything like the situation in my friend group, they think you're a massive drama llama and they've got a group chat which doesn't include you.

Ah, should have read the update. I’m glad you reached out. Good luck!

This.. don’t wait too long, OP. The chasm of disconnect will only grow larger, if you do.

OP, I’m sorry that happened, and I think you were really brave to share your feelings honestly. I can highly recommend reading The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins. It gives a really interesting perspective on adult friendships and times when we find ourselves being left out etc xx

Glad you’ve reached out to them. Hope you can put this behind you.

Good for you OP. You are right to put it behind you. Good friends are worth forgiving and it does sound like your friend was genuinely sorry and understanding when she realised you were upset.