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AIBU?

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Original poster

Upset with long time friends - long

218 replies

momtoboys · 14/10/2025 16:14

I have three very close, long time friends. All married but one. Each person has one of the group they are the closest to but we have all tried really hard to stay in touch as a group. We get together for theatre, dinner, drinks to catch up; sometimes with spouses, sometimes not. We text occasionally as a group. I consider them all my best friends even though I have friends in my life that I see more regularly.

A few weeks ago we all met up with some other friends to watch an event at a local pub and one friend (the one I am closest to) said to the others "when is our first play?" They responded with a date. I said to my friend, "did you get season tickets to the theatre?" She replied "yes! I assumed the tickets were purchased as a group, but was not certain. A few days later I called my closest friend and said "did you get tickets with the girls or with your husband?" She responded that she had gotten them with our other friends and one of their daughters. I said "I wish I had known, I would have loved to have gotten a ticket with you". She responded "Oh, I'm so sorry - I guess we got talking about it and it didn't even occur to us". She seemed as though she was truly sorry. We talked for a few minutes and I told her I was disappointed but understood that those things happen. She texted me shortly after and said that the friend who had been in charge of purchasing the tickets was calling the theater to see if there was another ticket near where they were seated. There was not. I thanked her for trying and that was that.

I have not reached out to them since. This is unusual. My closest friend has reached out and I have responded but not with the normal enthusiasm. She called me a couple of weeks ago and I let it go to voice mail. I then texted her and said "thanks so much for calling. I have to admit my feelings are hurt about this theatre thing and I don't really feel like talking about it yet. Mostly I think I am upset because you said it didn't even occur to you to ask me. Maybe I need to rethink my expectations of this friendship. I said this is not he end of the friendship and over the years you have all been wonderful parts of my life but I need some time to adjust my expectations and all will be fine". She responded "I'll give you some time but please don't take too long, I miss you".

It's been a long time since I have had my feeling hurt like this (I am an old lady!) and perhaps I am being childish. AIBU to think I need to realize that this friendship is not as important to them as it has been for me? Sorry this is so long. Please don't be outright mean if you respond. I'm a little fragile at this point.

Thanks.

I

OP posts:
chilling19 · 15/10/2025 22:38

I would be hurt too. Mainly because when thinking about a season ticket for a group, I would feel that I did not feature at all. In other words when planning events with friends I visualise who is going to maximise the fun/camaraderie, and it seems that you not being there wasn’t an issue. So I would be rethinking my importance to this group. Having said this, you can get past this by resetting your expectations of this group, and perhaps focus on your good friend more.

Nestingbirds · 15/10/2025 21:59

momtoboys · 14/10/2025 21:22

They did not.

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So to conclude your closet friend told you about the theatre plan and apologised. The others haven’t bothered to apologise but have made a half baked effort, unsuccessfully, to secure a season ticket for you belatedly.

This changes things for me. You may have a real friend in your closest friend, but the others are not good friends to you. I would be downgrading this group. They are trying to let you know that you are not important to them. I would be paying attention to this op.

Do you make an effort? Organise get togethers? Pull your weight in the group? If you are coasting a long they may be getting fed up. Dipping in and out without really being a part of the core group will only take you so far. Or you might be investing a lot and deserve better than this shoddy behaviour.

Without knowing this it is difficult to say op.

I am not sure why you checked in with them if they haven’t even acknowledged their misstep. Have they replied?

PeonyPatch · 15/10/2025 21:30

Forgive her.

Pessismistic · 15/10/2025 21:27

momtoboys · 14/10/2025 21:22

They did not.

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This speaks volumes. I hope you can move on sometimes the hurt can be too much to handle or you become over sensitive but your feelings matter they thought about one of the dds so they could have considered you at the same time. Maybe suggest if one of them can’t attend for any reason you get offered the ticket first.

SausageSausage · 15/10/2025 21:05

Hello, I totally get that you feel hurt and it’s not nice to feel like you weren’t considered or thought about. But breathe through it, even old friends can mess up, forget or be thoughtless. Maybe ring your friend and give her a cuddle and move on. I imagine over the years there are lots of nice times together that you remember. They clearly love you and tried to get you a ticket. It will work itself out. It’s good you told them how you felt but let it go now maybe. Take care of yourself xx

pineapplesundae · 15/10/2025 20:48

Just get the season tickets if you want. You can always meet up before or after the show.

browneyes77 · 15/10/2025 20:25

Parmaviolet3456 · 14/10/2025 16:35

You said you’re an older lady

I’m surprised it’s taken you until later in life to realise that your friends are completely valid in meeting up with other friends without you

I know I sound nasty but, even though I have a friendship group I do sometimes invite one or two to days out without inviting the others. And vise Versa, if I see they’ve gone out without me - doesn’t bother me.

We are all in our 30’s and this was a lesson I learned in my early 20’s

With respect, that’s not quite the same.

It’s one thing to arrange meet ups with different friends and not include others. Nothing wrong with different friends meeting up at times.

And if it was one theatre show a few friends had decided to go to without OP, your point may be valid.

But. These are theatre season tickets. Which means a regular meet up of the friend group for theatre events they all enjoy, with one person always excluded.

Wooky073 · 15/10/2025 19:38

Yes it was thoughtless of them but an easy mistake to make. They have tried to repair the mistake. You have threatened to end the friendship. You need to apologise I think for your overreaction abd make nice with them asap or risk permanently damaging the friendship. At this point they would be justified in ending the friendship. Just make it up to them asap. Make a joke of your OTT reaction… say you were hurt but realise it was a simple mistake and ask their forgiveness…. If you value their friendship. Best of luck either way repairing… they sound like lovely people who you want in your life x

Sadworld23 · 15/10/2025 19:27

Ok Op, don't read this one if you are having a bad day. I understand sensitive, but you need to read this sometime you are ready. It will hurt, but I don't intend it as mean..

Hrft but on a different thread I said exclusion is bullying. Same applies here.
Your friend doesn't value your friendship as much as you do. That's sad and I'm sorry..

lizzyBennet08 · 15/10/2025 18:51

Honestly your original reaction was fine, the text telling them that you were basically putting them on the naughty step for a while was totally ott, they have admitted being thoughtless and tried to rectify the situation and you're still sulking. If I was them I'd be reassessing the friendship as well.

Grammarninja · 15/10/2025 18:45

I don't think you'd have sent that message unless you thought it would have an impact. If you knew it would, then you know your closest friend cares for you a lot and it was a mere oversight due to your absence and therefore something to let go immediately.
No one sends a message like that to a fairweather friend. And a fairweather friend wouldn't bother responding so kindly.
Be grateful for dear, longstanding, close friends and don't haul them over the coals when they've made a mistake which they have apologised for. Life's just too short.

Pinkpommebear · 15/10/2025 18:38

momtoboys · 14/10/2025 16:34

That is an interesting (and perhaps correct) take on the situation. I was quite proud of myself for being clear about how I was feeling, without (i thought!) being overly dramatic. Thanks for your input.

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I don't think you are being overly dramatic. That was a crappy thing to do and if they all thought about each other but didn't think of you, I'd be so hurt too.

illsendansostotheworld · 15/10/2025 18:24

I don't think op is overreacting- very hurtful behaviour by her friends - doesn't matter how old she is

No5ChalksRoad · 15/10/2025 18:13

ldnmusic87 · 15/10/2025 17:38

They made a mistake, but apologised, you are over reacting.

Forgetting to invite a supposed old friend to a multi-event group plan is not a simple mistake, like getting distraced and forgetting to wish her Happy Birthday or something.

Calliopespa · 15/10/2025 17:47

Nestingbirds · 14/10/2025 22:14

Her goodwill?? She completely ‘forgot’ about one of her closest friends…

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I reckon it's someone else in the group is the issue.

InSpainTheRain · 15/10/2025 17:40

I can see why you're upset. If it was one play then you could write it off as an oversite. But a season ticket is something else - and they have no excuse it seems they just forgot. I would definitely be hurt in your situation. However, I think you have to try to get over it if you can and put it behind you. Otherwise you will risk just losing their friendship entirely. As it's a one off (all be it a big one off!) I think you should try to rejoin the group and hopefully it's a lesson learnt for them.

ldnmusic87 · 15/10/2025 17:38

They made a mistake, but apologised, you are over reacting.

Mary46 · 15/10/2025 17:22

Op that is hurtful. Yes we adults but it does sting. If a one off well ok but not nice. I had a close friend in my cousin a few years ago but realised I was more invested in the friendship. It did hurt at the time of course. Im over her now.

No5ChalksRoad · 15/10/2025 17:10

Going against the grain here, I would not have sent the humble check-in messages.

They literally forgot about you, but managed not to forget about one another or the other person's daughter.

The preponderance of comments telling you to basically suck it up and "get over yourself" is concerning. Why should you accept whatever crumbs they may toss your way, when you aren't included in a major set of outings?

My sympathies for the hurt and distress this situation is causing you.

socialdilemmawhattodo · 15/10/2025 01:55

Hotflushesandchilblains · 14/10/2025 22:37

Somebody up thread mentioned handling like a man and I think they were on to something. I am part of a big group of friends who have known each other over 30 years. Once a year we do a big event where we all get together. One year I was not included on the email chain and no one noticed for months until I asked why it was so late before we were talking about it.

I was pissed off. But also know it happened to other people on other years. I think sometimes conversations happen in the moment, people get caught up and over look things. I think that, although it seems deeply meaningful when it happens to you, it is just an oversight in that moment, and you just cant take it too personally. What is more telling is not that people never make the mistake, but what they do when you flag it up.

That was me quite early on in this thread. BUT I am female and the group i go to the "theatre" with are all gay males, no kids. We are similar age and professions. I did also say it affects the depth of my friendships - they are far more transactional. No way would this have happened with my close female friends, but then again with them I do less formal meet ups. I have been happy for a long time to have different types of friendship, but being totally left out by the "theatre" group did upset me a lot. So I get OPs stance on this.

lollypop42 · 14/10/2025 22:47

i would feel the same as you OP but ideally put it in the past now you’ve had your say

Hotflushesandchilblains · 14/10/2025 22:37

Somebody up thread mentioned handling like a man and I think they were on to something. I am part of a big group of friends who have known each other over 30 years. Once a year we do a big event where we all get together. One year I was not included on the email chain and no one noticed for months until I asked why it was so late before we were talking about it.

I was pissed off. But also know it happened to other people on other years. I think sometimes conversations happen in the moment, people get caught up and over look things. I think that, although it seems deeply meaningful when it happens to you, it is just an oversight in that moment, and you just cant take it too personally. What is more telling is not that people never make the mistake, but what they do when you flag it up.

Nestingbirds · 14/10/2025 22:14

LeafyLou · 14/10/2025 21:33

You sound like you have a lovely friend set-up OP and I wouldn’t get caught in details. Your friend sounds she hasn’t let the text affect the friendship which is a testament to her goodwill. I would put it all in the past.

Her goodwill?? She completely ‘forgot’ about one of her closest friends…

socialdilemmawhattodo · 14/10/2025 21:55

SingingHedgehog · 14/10/2025 20:56

Going through something very similar and adjusting to a different dynamic in my friendship group. It is disappointing when you feel your friends let you down. It isn’t the theatre trip, it is the fact you didn’t even cross their minds.

Give yourself some time to see if you actually miss these friends, sometimes we stay in friendships out of habit or sentimentality when the relationships have often run their course.

We all do. I have several uni friends that exactly fit this description. I'm polite when I see them, ask pleasantries about their families, but there is little other real connection. The relationships have run their course.

CatchTheWind4146 · 14/10/2025 21:37

I completely understand why you're upset. That is hurtful on their part to have 3 of the group and a daughter going and not think to invite you is really not on at all.

It's upsetting. However, if it's this one time and they have usually been very good friends, I'd be inclined to try get past it. It would be a shame to throw away an otherwise good solid friendship. But I wouldn't blame you either if you couldn't get past it. I'd find it difficult.