Starting to really bug me..

This jumped out at me. I’d be a bit fed up if we were child free for a change and my partner insisted on ‘declutterring’ or doing some non essential job rather than spending a bit of quality time with me.

This may however go back to my mother who always thought cooking and cleaning were much more important than spending quality time with her children or showing us any love or affection so maybe I’m a bit biased. I would much rather have had a frozen pizza and some quality time than a meal cooked from scratch that she’d slaved hours over (and clearly resented) making us feel we needed to be ‘grateful’ for it.

You sound obsessive, like my mum. It's complete exhausting. I feel really sorry for your husband tbh.

It sounds like your priorities are different to Dh. There’s absolutely nothing wrong in cooking home cooked means, or tidying up, and it sounds like you put your free time to productive use.

My dh sees things differently to be. He’ll find things cluttered, which don’t irritate me at all (reverse of your situation). It does sound like your husband can be condescending as well.

It's up to you how you spend your time but I'd be concerned for a partner who always feels the need to be cleaning or decluttering a generally clean and tidy house.

I have diagnosed OCD but also grew up in a house where everything was tidy and organised always so I guess that's what I think I need to provide for the boys to keep the home cosy

Well that's a bit of a drip feed. Are you having therapy. Children do not need a pristine house, fun and spending time as a family are far more important.

It honestly sounds more like he's worried about you and thinks you do too much and never switch off.

If he came down to get a drink and you were faffing about decluttering drawers and he told you to "just relax and sit down" then that's someone who actually cares about you and wants you to make the most of having some downtime rather than being constantly on the go.

So you don't live together? I would be asking myself why, when my partner came around to spend time with me, I decided it would be a good time to declutter a drawer...

I don’t know if this is you but I have a mother that never sits down and never relaxes. She stresses us all out to this day with her need for order. Constantly tidying, dusting, arranging. I don’t remember ever sitting down with her as a teen to enjoy a cup of tea. I understand now that she has some form of OCD or perhaps ADHD so I have lots of sympathy for her. It is also true that it made day to day living really stressful as she would never stop. We just couldn’t relax around her and constant movements.

If I were you I would just be aware if this is how you present to your family. Either way your DH is not being helpful with the snarky comments and I would definitely look to address this with him.

'I say 'if you have a drawer like this wouldn't you want to clean it out?'
He then says 'my house would never be like this'

It reads like you and your DH don’t live together is that right?

Aren't all meals homemade unless you only eat takeaways, etc, exactly what meals was he complaining about? And I assume the meals are for you and him as well not just the boys?

Is it?

This paragraph made me wonder too. It’s written oddly if they live together.

He then says 'my house would never be like this' (can I just say my house is very tidy but we have two kids so sometimes there might be a messy drawer or cupboard!)

If your house is tidy and you have a cleaner, but you have an urgent need to de-clutter a kitchen drawer I can understand why your DH is a little concerned. It does sound a bit obsessive and that's from the way you phrase it. I'm with him, try to relax a bit.

Why don't you both do a big declutter together , then you won't have to do it in dribs and drabs .
It would get on my nerves tbh , someone constantly doing little jobs that can really wait.

Um, it's his house too.

A homemade tea may not be necessary, but it's a good thing to do. It's not his business to come in to her house and tell her she shouldn't be doing it.

This 💯 %

I disagree. I think the OP sounds like everything has to be perfect all the time (clean house, homemade meals) to show her children how much she loves them (her words). Her DP is simply pointing out that a decluttered drawer or a homemade tea isn't necessary to show kids you love them! And maybe wants to spend some time with her himself rather than her constantly finding things to do to keep herself busy and avoid his company.

That’s very different to what you said in your OP.

Also, ‘family time’ isn’t the same as child-free time with your partner.

Nobody likes to be criticised.

However, based on what you’ve said, it sounds more like concern on his part, rather than criticism. He’s suggesting that you relax and spend time together. That’s not what I would call being criticised, as such.

The thing that sticks out for me is that you tend to use your child free time to declutter rather than just spend time chilling with your husband. And you are constantly tidying and being busy to ‘keep the house nice for the boys’ even though you have a cleaner who had just been. That sounds excessive to me.

Obviously I don’t know you, but even just from your own account of things, it sounds to me as if you might be quite obsessive, so I’d really like to hear your partner’s side of this.

I would struggle to live with someone who, the first sign of some rare free time together, started to bustle around clearing out drawers or cleaning things that had already been done by the cleaner. I’d find it very stressful.

That is not what you said in the OP though

It just sounds like you have the ‘ick’ on him. There’s no coming back from that in my experience.

From your OP I took it that, when you have time without your children you're looking for jobs to do when he just wants to sit and chill out with you for a bit and enjoy your company?! You say you are still tidying and "decluttering" when the cleaner has already been.... Why? I can see how that could annoy someone tbh....

Don't get me wrong, I'm a neat freak but I dedicate half a day to cleaning (usually Friday afternoon or Saturday morning) so I can spend the rest of my free time doing enjoyable stuff.

Do you enjoy spending time with your partner @gratefulmumm ?