To be stressed out about DH and his portion of the "mental load"

You can’t have two versions of yourself and unless you’re willing to rule your house under a dictatorship, then he is probably never going to meet your standards.

If he can’t multitask….he can’t multitask. You can’t blame him because he can’t work the way you work.

What you have to do is assign him some areas and recognise he isn’t going to be able to do them as quick as you, especially not at first. Bite your tongue and let him get in with it. When things start to fail, let him deal with the consequences.

This is also what parents do with kids- it’s easier and faster to do it yourself and to your standards- so mums run themselves ragged and the kids learn zero life skills!

Also be prepared to drop some of the unnecessary mental load. We are approaching Xmas and I know so many people who put an insane amount of pressure on themselves. No you don’t have to write Christmas cards, Buy new wrapping every year, book various events over Dec for the kids.

Some of the Mental load is merely keeping up with the Jones, drop all that crap. Focus on absolute needs and assign half over to DH to deal with- accepting he wont do it your way, in your time frame and to your standards but as long as it meets the minimum- let him take the strain.

Why should OP sacrifice her professional success because her husband is a twat?

From now on, when I read comments like this, I will assume that men are writing them in a sad attempt to keep women in their place.

If he can't remember the jobs he needs to do then he can wrote them down/set reminders on alexa/set reminders with alarms on his phone.

Also, the "quirky scientist" thing is irritating as shit in the workplace too. I bet you there are half a dozen people in his work environment who hate him as they'r eleft picking up the pieces.

Why would he remember when he knows you'll do it OP?

What would he do if he lived alone?

Have a rejig. Take away the bathroom bin. He's responsible for his own laundry. Dirty cups just let him pile them up in his office. Stash one for yourself. He's totally responsible for his own appointments and his own ruddy lunchbox.

A big laundry hamper for all of this crap he leaves lying around. He can sort it as his leisure.

The more you do, the less he has to. It's disrespectful of your time.

what are the consequences for him not stepping up? So the bins don't get emptied..... and then you do it or the house is just a mess? If he's forgotten, when he walks through the door the next evening, why is it not understood that the first thing he does is go round, emptying all the bins and taking it all outside in preparation for next week?

Apologies are meaningless without action.

I would suggest he writes himself a task list for the rubbish job, since it seems that it is multistep and once a week (ish). The task lost should include every part of doing the job correctly. Then when he does the job, he can ‘run the list’ so that none of the steps get forgotten. If he tries it for a bit and it works for him, then maybe he can take on a few more jobs that are similar and lend themselves to having written task lists as they require the same steps every time. Lists and routine are one of the main solutions to absent mindedness

I think people on mumsnet make too much of the mental load. If you're better at it just do it. Drop another day at work if necessary

If your gripe is to do with sharing it then yes, you may need to accept that things take your dh longer.

What strategies does he use to remember things at work? He needs to use those at home. Or come up with new ones.

This would drive me completely insane.

He sounds either like a dithering, lazy teenager, or like he's using weaponised incompetence to absolve himself of completely normal, adult responsibilities.

This doesn't make sense:
"I have to add that he is extremely intelligent as well and works in an industry at a very high level where this is quite typical - think in the lines of quirky scientists that everyone accepts are very absent minded and engulfed in their own world"

Top-level scientists aren't 'quirky' folks in their own world. They're efficient, competent people which is they they're working at a very high level. Stop using this nonsense as justification for your DP's laziness.

What's his solution? He is intelligent. How can he minimise the times he forgets? Can't he set a reminder? If be genuinely can't multi task, whats his solution other than you pick up the slack later? Can he not spend half an hour with the kids, do a job for half an hour while they chill out watching TV or whatever then spend another half hour with them? Or get them to help for half an hour so the jobs are done before they get to do fun stuff? How can he avoid making this your problem to solve (either by sorting it out himself or by reminding him).

I used to accept this type of rubbish. Just weaponised incompetence. No reason your DH shouldn't be able to handle his share of life admin/mental load etc. Like all adults, surely he can learn whatever method works best to help him remember without you having to remind him or doing it.