To be stressed out about DH and his portion of the "mental load"

But probably not at work though.
Somehow his executive disfunction manages there OK.

Make it inconvenient for him. Put his dirty laundry, the unlined bin and tissues on his side of the bed or on his work bag so he has to deal with them. Let the dirty dishes pile up until he deals with them. His memory will magically improve.

Exactly, and it’s funny how it’s only fully grown men who leave snotty tissues everywhere because of how their brains are wired 🙄

“Weaponised incompetence “ and “learned helplessness” are really useful concepts to remind you that it’s not you, it’s him.

@avajamesbee if it’s “how his brain is wired” then how does he manage to hold down a job? How did he get his qualifications and get through university?

You’re making excuses for him and I say that as someone who’s DH is formally diagnosed as having ADHD, and who is autistic themselves.

He can do it, he just doesn’t care enough to make the effort because he knows you’ll do it for him if he acts incompetent enough.

Just do it yourself. You could have done it in the time it took you to write this post. Or ask DH for solutions. We have bin days in our shared iPhone calendar.

Lowering your standards really isn't the answer here.

I struggle with a lot of these tasks. Should I lower my standards and go easy on myself if it means that -

• My child gets sent to school without a snack because I cba to put one in their bag.
• My child is sent to school without PE kit on PE day because I cba to get the kit dry in time.
• My child comes home upset because it was Own Clothes Day or they had to wear something spotty or yellow etc., but I didn't know because I cba to read the school newsletter.
• Bed linen is changed monthly, if that, because, you know, cba.
• There's no bread and milk in the house for breakfast because I cba to make a list so I don't forget stuff at the shop.
• The bins are routinely overflowing and the bags split because I cba to take them out. So there's rotten food waste over the floor for someone else to clean up.

The thing is... Even doing the basics to keep a household running can be really tough. If the OP's husband isn't managing these, lower standards isn't the solution.

You say he is a good husband , a good father works and has a good job. He does not appear nasty but does not do mundane things without constant reminder, he does not appear to get unpleasant when you remind him.
let me tell you no one’s life is perfect and there are many women who would be pleased to only have these imperfections. If you cannot change him you can change yourself. Resolve not to get stressed about issues that are insignificant in the scheme of things and tell him to pay for a cleaner to ease your workload

What a load of bollocks.

Or how about men raise their standards. Yuck.

How does he manage at work?

He needs to take some responsibility. What is HE doing to help manage the issue? He needs to have reminders on his phone as an example.

@avajamesbeeAs I read the list of ‘forgets to’, I wanted to replace each one with ‘doesn’t’. I suspect ‘ I forgot’ is his go-to excuse.

If a bathroom bin has a liner in it, that you remove to empty the rubbish, how can a functioning adult ‘forget’ to replace the liner? Answer - he can’t be bothered to go and get the new liner, so he doesn’t. But ‘I couldn’t be bothered’ is a step too far as a response for him, so he ‘forgets’.

If he used a smidge of his brain power, he would get the new bin liner and take it with him so the job was complete when he jettisoned the rubbish.
I’m sure every example of ‘forgetting’ could be reframed thus - might be more likely to happen if you withdraw your services for laundry etc.
I hope you manage to effect change.

@avajamesbee just keep forgetting to wash his pants then apologise just like he does.

Outsource as much as you can, don't do pack lunches and let him put whatever he likes on his night stand

My husband Is a bit like that and like you I get fed up with doing it all so I no longer pick up everything. Anything which is time dependent like putting bins out, sorting bills/insurances/birthday cards etc I do as if I have to remind him constantly it is still taking up space in my head. The rest like laundry, shopping, cooking, cleaning if I don’t feel like doing it I won’t. Eventually he gets the message and steps in to do it but his standards are not like mine so I turn a blind eye. I cannot be bothered with the nagging any more. I also sometimes just let him sort out his own meals and don’t buy the stuff he likes not to be petty but because I don’t want him to assume I will always run round after him. Take today. I have been on an 8 mile hike and he has been at home all day. The kitchen needs wiping over and there is nothing in the fridge or freezer for dinner so I have got myself a cup of tea and will just have a baked potato with tuna and salad which he hates so he will need to go shopping. I guess he will remember about 6ish. It is weaponised incompetence but constantly running round after them just makes you resentful and they have no consequences to their laziness/incompotence. He is ADHD which can affect executive function so your DH may be the same especially if quirky. Being ND doesn’t give you an opt out from adulting though.

I cannot believe people argue about bins in a marriage.

I hope my Army post made clear it’s his responsibility to learn. It’s called SELF discipline for a reason. Failing that we’ve been recommended something called goblin tools for my DD.

Look it up, it’s ace. Wish I’d had it as a teenager.

Yep! And I also bet the vast majority of quirky high performing female scientists are able to perform basic household chores without being constantly reminded by their partner.

I don't know if my definition of the mental load is different to others, but what you are asking him to do is the basics. Things you can see with your eyes! Clear up your dirty tissues. Empty the dishwasher / empty the bins properly etc. You literally see it and do it kind of stuff. If he fails to empty the bins properly, thats him giving up sometime to take it to the rubbish tip. Would he leave dirty tissues around at work?

For me the mental load is about organising the stuff you can't always see. Kids dental appt, house insurance renewal etc, pay bills.

You are asking him to do the basics not the mental load (in my opinion).

And no, don't lower your standards!

I don't have a problem reminding hubby, it's a man thing based on majority of males in my extended family to. The reason I don't have a problem reminding or telling don't forget your cups, chuck your laundry in the wash, is the bin out is because in other things he is brilliant and if I didn't get sorry love omw or just nastiness back then I would view it differently but ye doesn't bother me

This.
You can bet if he did half a job/a shit job at work his manager would have something to say.

If he knows he struggles to remember everything that "doing the bins" entails then he can write a list on his phone and check it, and set an alarm to go off every week on the evening before the bins get collected. It's not rocket science.

And leaving used tissues on the side of the bed you share is just gross.

Please tell me that when you say "prepping his lunchbox" you mean the dc, not your husband?

Things like leaving his dirty clothes on the floor I'd just kick onto the floor of his (side of the) wardrobe -up to him to sort out or stress when he cant find them. I know it's probably easier to do a job lot of washing rather than getting him to do his separately but washing is all I'd do - once it's dry I'd chuck his stuff on his side of the bed - up to him to put away/decide what needs ironing and do it etc before he can go to sleep.

Other than that if the everyday chores that require doing often and "noticing" what needs doing are what he struggles with, you do more of those and he dedicates 2 evenings a week/sat morning or whatever to doing a load of the "big jobs" - hoovering the whole house, cleaning the bathrooms, batch cooking, mowing the lawn, etc. If it takes him absolutely ages to do it then tough luck - shut the door and watch a TV programme you like/have a bath/take the kids to their swimming lesson etc. The more he does it the faster he'll get.

Mine has OCD, so is weirdly scrupulous about somethings but oblivious to whether his hair needs washing🙄. will empty& put bins out endlessly …even those that don’t need it so poor bin men have wasted journey to our unfilled bin🤷‍♀️.
I make signs or stick postitnotes everywhere, saves shouting.
maybe the cat will start to understand a special kind of sign 😊.