Friend and Continued Work Absence

GentleWord · 2025-10-14T06:16:51+00:00

I have a friend who has some mental and physical health diagnoses. She qualified as a teacher more than ten years ago. She has worked in different settings - state schools, private schools, and preschools. Since then, she has had a few jobs as a teacher, but on average, she has up to half the time she is employed off sick. This does become an issue, and mostly she has to move on. Never quietly. It usually goes through legal channels and I know the company have settled at least twice. Before, I didn't think much about this, but now I have reason to think about schooling, I don't think it is fair that she keeps taking jobs that she cannot do. I'm actually unsure how she manages to get a new job with her history but apparently schools have only very recently been demanding of the last reference and now you can give "bad" references. I don't think it is fair on the children to have a teacher who is so unreliable. I don't think it is fair on the staff. I think after a decade, it should be clear to her and her family that she cannot be a teacher. However, I think they cling to her profession as a status thing. The same pattern is occurring again where shw is started to have repeated and medium term absences from a job she started last year. I think this time I should be a bit more honest with her about her career and the other people affected by how she engages with her job. Unreasonable - dont say anything and just support her Reasonable - find the words to say that teaching isn't an appropriate career choice.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 16/10/2025 10:26

wouldn't supply teaching suit her better?
She could work when she chose/ felt able to, get paid more per hour when she did, and have much less responsibility (for things like lesson planning, marking, the wellbeing of a whole class of learners for the length of an academic year..) than a teacher who's employed permanently by a school.
Have you ever suggested that idea to her?
It might really appeal.

TwinklyStork · 16/10/2025 10:14

GentleWord · 16/10/2025 07:47

I said she has mental health issues from the start. And yes, I have decided that after this job, I will say that there should be no more teaching because it isnt fair on everyone else. I'll tell her parents that, too.

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Why are you planning on telling her parents that she can’t teach any more? What do you think they can or should do about it? She’s a grown adult, for goodness sake.

This is a very bizarre situation and you are a very bizarre person. You seem to think you have some kind of right to tell her what to do about her work situation and you just don’t. Why do you think that?

MaplePumpkin · 16/10/2025 09:49

people are willing to harm the education of children, just so one adult woman doesn't think uni was a waste of time for her.
They put the feelings of adults above the rights of children.

You’re acting as if all these children are suffering so greatly. It’s an issue for the school, yes, as they have to find a replacement teacher but I don’t think the children are suffering as much as you think. You’re acting as if tnese children’s education have been ruined and they are so hard done by and we should all be so concerned for the children… I’m sure they’re fine. The school will find a replacement who is just as good (if not better!) than your friend, and the children are continuing to get a fabulous education.
Would you worry so much about the welfare and education of these children if their teacher left half way through the year to go on maternity?

Dobbysocks · 16/10/2025 09:38

I haven’t managed to read the entire thread due to length but I think it’s a very unreasonable view. It doesn’t sound like you actually like your ‘friend’. There’s little support there for her. You seem to think she’s incapable of her job and have a superiority complex about working in retail from your comments on this too. I think you’d be best severing your friendship if it’s making you feel so disgruntled. Mental health is a huge issue amongst school staff for many factors and, at those times, what would be needed would be the support of friends and family rather than judgements. What an incredibly sad outlook from a friend. What do you entitles you to pass very critical judgement on to not only your friend, but her parents too?

Original poster

GentleWord · 16/10/2025 07:47

ClaredeBear · 16/10/2025 07:33

I don’t know what’s right or wrong in terms of this person’s employment but Im wondering why you started this post. You don’t like this person or anything she stands for and it’s been clear from the start that you don’t want to support her. You’re free to break off contact with someone you have no respect for and it’s probably for the best. You mentioned in a recent response that the person has a personality disorder and I’d say that’s an important factor you didn’t mention in your original post. In any case, two thirds of voters say you’re not being unreasonable, so hopefully that provides you with the confidence you need to let her know what you think of her.

I said she has mental health issues from the start. And yes, I have decided that after this job, I will say that there should be no more teaching because it isnt fair on everyone else. I'll tell her parents that, too.

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ClaredeBear · 16/10/2025 07:33

I don’t know what’s right or wrong in terms of this person’s employment but Im wondering why you started this post. You don’t like this person or anything she stands for and it’s been clear from the start that you don’t want to support her. You’re free to break off contact with someone you have no respect for and it’s probably for the best. You mentioned in a recent response that the person has a personality disorder and I’d say that’s an important factor you didn’t mention in your original post. In any case, two thirds of voters say you’re not being unreasonable, so hopefully that provides you with the confidence you need to let her know what you think of her.

Original poster

GentleWord · 16/10/2025 07:21

I think what we have discovered from this thread is that the idea that entitlement is pervasive. And I think more so among women in some contexts. I couldn't imagine these women posting so vehemently for a male poster who cannot perform his job.

What is scary is that in the quest to support women in having exactly what they want to the detriment of others, people are willing to harm the education of children, just so one adult woman doesn't think uni was a waste of time for her.

They put the feelings of adults above the rights of children.

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Original poster

GentleWord · 16/10/2025 07:17

KitTea3 · 16/10/2025 00:20

And what happens when talking therapies (IE IAPT IE CBT IE the only thing NHS offer) tell you you are "too complex" for their services?

Bur not complex enough for the community mental health team to take you on?

Yes private is an option, the cheapest I have found is £60 a week....which on the surface sounds cheap but when you're disabled and can only work part time £60 is more than a 3rd of my weekly wage. And that isn't left over after my rent and essential bills. As in I literally CANNOT AFFORD IT.

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She can afford it herself by jiggling expenses but she has private healthcare through her family anyway. The issue is that she has a personality disorder and they are hard to treat.

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Original poster

GentleWord · 16/10/2025 07:15

Greenwitchart · 16/10/2025 00:04

What a bizarre thread.

The OP comes across as obsessed with her ''friend'' in way that is completely unhealthy.

Or she has made the whole thing up...

Nobody is obsessed. It is a thread about an issue. Feel free to be somewhere else if you don't like it.

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Original poster

GentleWord · 16/10/2025 07:14

TwinklyStork · 15/10/2025 18:11

Ahhhh, there it is. The “she’s on PIP” bingo ball.

How do you know so much about the practice of teacher agencies when you work in a
completely different profession? Music production or something, wasn’t it?

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Because anyone with a modicum of sense and a history of schooling understands how agencies staffing works. If they don't know you'll be absent until that day, they have to call someone that day. There is no guarantee that the person they send today will be able to cover for the entirety of the teacher's absence.

You simply cannot take ip a job role that you cannot fulfil.

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Original poster

GentleWord · 16/10/2025 07:10

TwinklyStork · 15/10/2025 18:08

I thought you said she left every time, not that they got rid of her. You’re tripping all over your story now.
This entire thread is just a not very well disguised bash at people with chronic illnesses. This friend does not exist.

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They manage her out. She has been sacked but most times she leaves before it gets to the final straw on their part. Then she sues for driving her out.

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Rainallnight · 16/10/2025 04:44

GentleWord · 14/10/2025 07:26

Because I wouldn't want my own child to have a teacher who was frequently absent. Sometimes for weeks and on top of that, odd days.

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I agree with you OP. My kids’ school has been afflicted by these kinds of absences and it’s been very detrimental.

MumsGoneToIceland · 16/10/2025 04:08

GentleWord · 14/10/2025 07:26

Because I wouldn't want my own child to have a teacher who was frequently absent. Sometimes for weeks and on top of that, odd days.

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I agree, it sounds like she’d be better suited to supply teaching where she can work when able to

KitTea3 · 16/10/2025 00:20

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 14/10/2025 09:55

I disagree with this. Speaking as someone with a history of anxiety / IBS / chronic back pain / CFS / POTs and autism. She is on a salary so could afford therapy privately. I’ve tackled my issues with a mixture of - daily journaling, deep breathing, meditation, a nurosym device, guided hypnotherapy for IBS, and finding an exercise programme that works for my POTs and CFS. It’s totally possible to find a route to recovery that works for you. It’s taken a lot of research and diligence but there are so many free support groups and advice out there. It does get wearing when you see people taking endless time off work but apparently not using that time productively to get better.

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And what happens when talking therapies (IE IAPT IE CBT IE the only thing NHS offer) tell you you are "too complex" for their services?

Bur not complex enough for the community mental health team to take you on?

Yes private is an option, the cheapest I have found is £60 a week....which on the surface sounds cheap but when you're disabled and can only work part time £60 is more than a 3rd of my weekly wage. And that isn't left over after my rent and essential bills. As in I literally CANNOT AFFORD IT.

Greenwitchart · 16/10/2025 00:04

What a bizarre thread.

The OP comes across as obsessed with her ''friend'' in way that is completely unhealthy.

Or she has made the whole thing up...

TwinklyStork · 15/10/2025 18:11

GentleWord · 15/10/2025 14:30

Agencies do not provide consistent cover. They provide cover. Could be different person every day. If you are frequently absent at short notice, they will be very pushed to find the same person to cover your class at short notice. The people who suffer are the children. She's at home on PIP, whatever wages she manages to keep, extensive savings and an education provided by teachers who showed up to teach.

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Ahhhh, there it is. The “she’s on PIP” bingo ball.

How do you know so much about the practice of teacher agencies when you work in a
completely different profession? Music production or something, wasn’t it?

TwinklyStork · 15/10/2025 18:08

GentleWord · 15/10/2025 14:28

She gets the jobs because she is qualified. When they find out she is incompetent, they want rid of her.

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I thought you said she left every time, not that they got rid of her. You’re tripping all over your story now.
This entire thread is just a not very well disguised bash at people with chronic illnesses. This friend does not exist.

Original poster

GentleWord · 15/10/2025 16:40

If I were to ever even not reply to a text within a timely fashion, she would have a major meltdown. The last thing she wants me to do is to leave her alone. She has EUPD and I am one of her favourite people.

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Original poster

GentleWord · 15/10/2025 16:39

Kimura · 15/10/2025 16:29

You're looking at her references now?

You seem awfully intent on centering yourself in the middle of your friend's life. Please leave her alone, she'll be better off with someone who actually has her back.

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No, i assumed that schools require some sort of references and as I know that her last jobs ended very badly, I know those references couldn't have been good.

Someone or some people in this thread suggested that when you take a former employee to court, you can arrange for them not to reveal details about your employment other than the dates you were employed. This makes sense to how she is managing to get new jobs, even after the safer recruitment shake up this September.

They are restricting the former employer's ability to give factual references so the new employer has no idea of her true history

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Kimura · 15/10/2025 16:29

GentleWord · 15/10/2025 16:20

It makes sense that when her lawyer dad took most of the places to court after they dismissed her or she felt she had to leave before she gets sacked, they negotiated that they'd not put any of it on the references. I've always wondered why they re-employ her and figured that they simply cannot be giving her any reference at all. Now I see they just gave her one with dates of employment.

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You're looking at her references now?

You seem awfully intent on centering yourself in the middle of your friend's life. Please leave her alone, she'll be better off with someone who actually has her back.

Original poster

GentleWord · 15/10/2025 16:20

Kimura · 15/10/2025 14:38

If we are giving this woman the benefit of the doubt here, then we know full well that you cannot plan for poor mental health episodes. She is presumably hoping that she will not fall so ill that she can't work.

People's mental health can improve dramatically; many people make full and permanent recoveries and work is often a key factor.

So she either keeps trying, or gives up her life's work and writes herself off, which I expect would have a devastating effect on her mental health.

I refuse to believe that she has been let go as often as she says she has for the same reasons, and not a single employer has picked this up through referencing before hiring her. Any employer that's on them.

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It makes sense that when her lawyer dad took most of the places to court after they dismissed her or she felt she had to leave before she gets sacked, they negotiated that they'd not put any of it on the references. I've always wondered why they re-employ her and figured that they simply cannot be giving her any reference at all. Now I see they just gave her one with dates of employment.

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Original poster

GentleWord · 15/10/2025 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Yes. If it means you cannot show up consistently where continuity and consistency are vital, you have no place in that job. It doesn't matter why.

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Original poster

GentleWord · 15/10/2025 16:15

Kimura · 15/10/2025 14:48

Oh she's either trolling or an absolutely horrible friend/person, 100%.

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If caring about the education of children makes me a horrible person, so be it. There should be more horrible people like me.

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Original poster

GentleWord · 15/10/2025 16:14

Kimura · 15/10/2025 14:46

Well, she does have the right to be a teacher if she wants to, is qualified and schools hire her.

We absolutely should be supporting people with health conditions into work, not writing them off and sticking them on a till in a supermarket.

But given that you clearly don't feel that way, stop 'over enabling' your friend and tell her that she's incompetent, has no right to be a teacher, takes time off when things get difficult and is blagging her IBS.

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Support isnt giving people a job that they cannot do so that they can harm the education of others. Your mental health issues dont give you the right to negatively impact other people. Especially children trying to get an education.

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Original poster

GentleWord · 15/10/2025 16:12

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 15/10/2025 15:45

You think you've grown out of toxicity?

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Yes hence why I can see past my friend's wishes to the needs and rights of children I don't even know. I don't just blindly support my friend in exploiting people.

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