I hate my DSD

It's very very rare for people to actually be evil.

It's extremely common for people to be stupid, selfish, frightened, self-loathing, angry, anxious or hurt to the extent that they do things others then perceive as evil.

OP you're clearly at the end of your tether and I imagine separation is the option although I would ask is there a prospect of her leaving in 3 years' time to study or something?
I'm sorry you’re going through this.

Over indulgence is also neglect. It neglects the child's need for boundaries and guidance. This is not the gotcha you think it is.

And of course there are genetic factors. That doesn't remove the responsibility of adults to apply good parenting. Epigenetics are a thing.

What about his family with the 2 younger DCs? What about their family? Why does this entirely revolve around the older child - who is old enough to understand that she needs to engage with the help offered (counselling etc) if she is indeed traumatised.

ETA I see you have updated not realising there were other children involved.

But for context, nearly 4m children live in separated/post divorce homes. Not even the majority of them are ‘traumatised’ by this, and certainly not to the extent described here. There are underlying, possibly as yet undiagnosed issues, in this child’s case - after all she has been handed off by her bio mother full time. Whether this is because of her behaviour or because the mother also has issues (so heritability of MH issues combined with childhood trauma at her mother’s hands may be involved) we cannot know from these posts. But this is not normal teen behaviour by any stretch of the generally accepted understandings of teen angst and puberty.

I did not realise she had young kids with this man, so I should not have said she could leave them to heal as a family of she felt so upset by being around the 15 year old.

I don’t think people are saying divorce alone would be this traumatising, it’s more the combination of divorce plus having a mother who was sufficiently crap that DSD couldn’t stay living with her (even part time) after age 12, and who then moved far away.

But I don’t buy it. Yes the daughter shouldn’t have lied to social services but for OP to make out that her DSD somehow endangered her DC is moronic. They weren’t endangered. They weren’t at risk. By her own account everything at home is peachy keen and everyone is visibly well taken care of. So why the big drama? Why act like DSD is deliberately harming her younger siblings or faking abuse? She reported to say she didn’t get fed, when it is easy to prove she is fed.

It’s very clear OP doesn’t like this girl and I’m not surprised the child is lashing out in an environment of hostility like this. She was abandoned there by her own mother and has to try and fit in with the perfect new family and perfect new children her father replaced her with.

I was an upset15 year old of divorced parents, and my parents didn't listen to a word I said about their shitty partners (not saying you are shitty, I don't know you) but you can always tell when you are not welcome to be around them. It caused me a lot of emotional neglect and childhood trauma. Then the new partners got jealous of me. I am an only child. It was tough. I ended up living on my own in a shitty flat at age 16 and it was horrendous. Just could not cope. So glad to be well past that stage of my life. She needs to be made to feel loved, valued, that is my advice, that would have changed my life, proper home based love and nurturing.

I like how so many people are saying that parental divorce is traumatising for children to the extent that it explains and justifies this girl’s behaviour and then in the next breath urging the OP to separate and move her younger children out of the home they live in with their mother and father.

Talk about massive drip feeds after the initial post.
Almost as if the OP wanted people to react negatively, so that she could then scold them and list just how hard done by she has been.

Because parents, specially moms/women, are not supposed to complain. Didn't you get the memo?

Parents have to accept shit treatment from their children (specially step ones) when their behaviour is abusive. If they don't accept it, then parents are bad/horrible people according to MN.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with similar circumstances. My heart goes out to you both.

this, leave them together as a family to heal.

I'm sorry OP. Some people on here just get vicarious pleasure from twisting the knife.

It sounds horrendous, this manipulation and psycho drama tends to be girls (there's another thread here about step son household disruption which tends to be more physical).

I am surprised that a young person of this age who has caused so much disruption in the family, to the extent that social services and the police have been involved, cannot be compelled to undergo some sort of therapy - which many people on here have recommended as a positive solution! It simply shouldn't be possible for her to refuse to address aspects of her own poor behaviour, as well as all the 'wrongs' that have been done to her. She will find that concern and interest in her 'troubles', and the allowances that people are making for her, dry up pretty quickly once she turns 18, and she will know nothing except how to get what she wants by making other people's lives a misery. Another completely useless person who will grow up believing everyone else is to blame for their shit.

You sound immature. She is 15 and you are the adult. What a sad situation.

Right and I assume you were quite easily able to disprove these claims - what with the history of loaded parent pay, her teachers agreeing and your younger children always showing up to school/nursery/etc washed clean and fed. So what real danger did she put your own DC in, really?

I presume (hope) social Services quickly came to the view that she was lying

I’m interested to know what happened then? Did they have a strong word with her about making shit up and wasting everyone’s time? Did they suggest any kind of process like a CAHMS referral to help figure out why she is so angry that she would do this?

It’s a bit unhelpful if they just go oh well just a spiteful teenager making it up and close the file.

👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻

”different children have different needs and you are very, very lucky to have both your parents here loving and supporting you throughout every stage of your life. Your older sister has had to come through a lot and she needs to be parented to reflect that.”

Not hard.

Okay, that also sounds very difficult for a young child to deal with. Her parents divorce, her mum moves her miles away, new school, doesn't see her dad much because of the distance etc.

I'm not saying no one should ever get divorced, but anyone who does needs to be realistic about the negative consequences on their children. Then if they're being realistic they can significantly reduce the negative impacts and the kids can be fine.

But by thinking that divorce is not a trauma and sticking our heads in the sand, the negative consequences go unaddressed, leading to long term problems.

I'm not saying it's on you too fix btw, OP. It's on the parents.

It’s hard to believe you’re real OP. Your random sarcastic replies just don’t seem very serious. I hope this is all a windup because if there are real children involved it sounds volatile and at least one of the adults sounds ill equipped to handle it.

That they are bloody lucky not to have had to go through what their older sister has, to have both their parents together and invested in their wellbeing.