I hate my DSD

From the OP: ‘it’s a fucking huge thing to accuse parents of, I hope one day your children make you experience something similar and we will see how you feel afterwards’

There is a level of toxic bitterness here that is a huge red flag. OP- you are not coming across well here and the tone and content of these posts undermine your position that DSD is entirely to blame.

Is there something else wrong in your life? Alcohol dependency or some other factor? The original post read like you may have been drinking

I have a friend who is in a very similar position and I completely understand where you are coming from OP. I don't know the answer unfortunately, but I hear you and I would feel the same.

Well you lost what little sympathy I might have had for you with that comment.

OP, your anger is palpable. I think you need better therapy and a toolkit for dealing with it.

Once you have found a way to manage your anger, then you will need to dig deep a build a relationship with this child. Even if it is one sided. Even if she is horrible. This is part of the deal.

It’s not ok to be avoiding your DSD in her own home. No 15 year old will be clear eyed and rational about that. There is a huge amount of work to be done.

But it sounds like that isn’t what you want to do

I mean I'd have an intense dislike for someone who did that and put my children under SS eyes for no good reason and I'd not forgive them. 15 years old is definitely old enough to be aware of the impact that would have had on the family.

And OP wonders why this child is screaming out for help. Jfc.

'I wouldn’t say a danger no but I do think she’s a lunatic'

That poor, poor child. Imagine living with an adult who thought this about you. I hope she gets the support she needs elsewhere as soon as possible and gets away from this situation.

So top tip - if you don't love the child don't marry their dad? Because that is likely to bring you into frequent contact, which is unlikely to be good for either of you, much less the subsequent children you then choose to add to the shitshow.

But no, heaven forbid the adult make a mature decision/sacrifice, after all they're 'in luuuurrve' and that surely overrides any consideration of what is good for the children involved.

There are so many naive people on here who don't realise how manipulative and horrible can these 'poor kids' can be!

Yes, that's why those of us who find other people's children annoying stick to our own where at least the hormones keep us going until we crash into menopause.😁

Hey OP
you sound like you’ve had an absolute gut full of the shenanigans that come with the step daughter -
it’s been bad for a long time and you can see it’s not getting better and you are recognising the huge detrimental impact it is having on everyone and you are at breaking point
so you are planning to move you and your kids out, keep in touch with your husband, but he remains with his troubled daughter and it’s his responsibility to manage -

it sounds like all the hateful energy you are feeling from a very difficult situation has fuelled you to take good decisive action -
well done 👍
we see so many posts about bad toxic environments and the poster does not engage with prioritising their own kids ,
I think you are sound 👍

None of us like every other adult we meet so why are we expected to like every child we meet ? It is impossible, some children are horrid. A child can be manipulative, vindictive, can say awful hurtful words and of course use violence so whats to like ? Every outraged person on here ask yourselves if a child was bullying your child would you like them, of course you wouldn't.

I’m not a crap parent btw. I think that would have been flagged up by the different agencies we came in to contact with. I’m good enough, like the majority of parents.

I always feel a bit sorry for kids who are forced to live with their parents latest partner, and feel like a second class citizen in their own home. I often wonder what psychological issues it causes them.

unfortunately OP, teenagers can be a ducking nightmare even when they are your own. But when they are not your own; it must be 1000 times worse.

Living with that fear for years and years, while trying to have some semblance of normality for your younger children is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I can’t describe how awful it was. Nothing and nowhere was safe.

I also think that respectfully, most families will not experience teenage behaviour on this scale. I’m not talking about bunking off school or getting pissed in the park with your mates, or eye rolls and attitude.
DD’s behaviour was destructive, out of control and at points I thought she wouldn’t survive.
I

Crap parenting is neglect. I find it hard to see how this could be argued. If you don't parent well, you are neglecting your responsibility to the child. Being inexperienced and clueless is an explanation but not an excuse.

Maybe it is not normal behaviour for a teen but it is the behaviour of this man's teen and he needs to parent the child he has, not just throw up his hands if the behaviour doesn't meet some arbitrary standard of 'normal'.

I would also tentatively suggest getting some outside support for you and your family. Dd also refused to engage with any help available, but that doesn’t mean you can’t access it. It was a lifeline for me.

@8842688l I really feel for you and your family. I have some experience of what you are going through and it is a living hell. We did have Early Help involvement, and she was amazing, thank god, and her words and support got me through, just! She said that parental abuse was on the rise, and that this was the case with our family. Dd also reported us to the police!

I also have younger children and I know only too well the stress of trying to protect them from their sister.
She did eventually get through, but it took years and I genuinely think we all have some form of PTSD, some of her behaviour was so extreme. Please feel free to pm if you ever need a rant.

Stand your ground @8842688l

Op, you came here to vent, I get it.

But besides venting here, what would be a good outcome of the situation do you think? Is it that she goes to live with her mother again (is that even possible?) Because the way I see it, and without knowing any of the background, the family dynamics here are deeply damaging (to you and your children, not just to your stepdaughter) to continue as you are.

You also say that your dh is a good man. What steps is he instigating/ has he instigated to attempt to make the situation better for you all?

For the avoidance of doubt, I'm with those saying that this girl sounds incredibly damaged by what sounds like a traumatic relationship with/ separation from her mother. I understand your feelings of anger and, most likely, hopelessness. But simply feeling those things isn't going to change your situation for the better. What's the plan now that you know you can't live with her?

OP - I am glad you got it off your chest and frankly I am with you .
Luckily I love my DSD x2 - and have been very lucky with them and our relationship.
but only on MN do you get this idea that all women who are in a relationship with a man with children, need to be bloody mary poppins crossed with St teresa.
At 15 that girl knows exactly what she is doing - and yes she wanted to cause trouble for you by calling SS etc.
This isnt just a bit of sulky/nasty teen angst - that is properly deliberately harmful

You really do not have to like her...she's not your child.

It wasn’t a gotcha. It was pointing out there is more nuance than ‘narcissists are the result of neglect’ [paraphrased] that was proffered above. Not all parenting fails (over indulging and not recognising the lack of boundaries) is neglect. It’s just inexperienced and clueless parenting.

But feel free to try and flex intellectually when it’s irrelevant to the thread.