I hate my DSD

@BruFordno, you can’t, but anyone who listens to parents of grown up kids and their experiences prior to making a decision to have children/stepchildren will be told time and time again, that teenagers can be the hardest of all the ages.

OP I genuinely feel sorry for you. I do wonder though if leaving husband will end this stress for u though. I mean won't your kids end up with him some of the time and then ultimately with their half sister who you can't stand? Will that work out OK do you think?

So your SD only started living with you and her Dad at age 13 so for the last two years?
Are you secretly annoyed she had to came to live in "your family home" if so I can understand that to some extent but at age 13 that was probably a massive upset for her as well, presumably she had to move schools, leave friendship groups, start a new school all whilst trying to fit in with Dad's new family full time, not to mention the trauma from whatever her Mum brought to the table so she had to move out.
Reading your updates you sound emotionally immature to be honest and I can see how your proposed moving out with your two children is supposed to be an ultimatum of some sort, a sort of it's her or us situation?
Are you married to SD Dad op?
Sorry if you have said I didn't see anything about he is your Husband
If so you need to think about the house and joint aseests.
If not you are free to leave and I think you probably should to give yourself some distance.
No child should have to live with another adult in the house who literally hates them, that is abuse and you are being abusive whether you think you are or not.
His DD is his for life, he has a parental responsibility at the moment for at least a few more years and that involves protecting her from another adult in her life that openly says they hate her!
You need to move yourself from the situation and let him parent her without the toxicity of his partner hating her.

DSD has Munchausen syndrome -- a psychological condition where someone pretends to be ill or deliberately produces symptoms of illness in themselves.

I think it’s fine to be honest about it (on here), but pp is right in saying that it’s not fine for you to allow your living arrangements to continue.
What you describe is not right for any of you.
I urge you to address matters asap - your children shouldn’t be in that environment.

@arethereanyleftatall I completely agree that a step-parent needs to be prepared to love a step-child, but realistically, you can’t always anticipate their future behavior, can you?

One of my friends has three children, all hers, full siblings. A decade ago, her teenaged DD lost her temper with her younger sister, pushed her to the ground and she sustained a concussion. During that time, she also took drugs and stole valuables from the house to sell.

I’ve known this girl for years and at 12, no one could have anticipated this behavior. She underwent rehab, changed schools, went to university and is now fine at 25.

This girl could turn things around if her Dad is willing to step up. The OP can be supportive of him, enable him to spend quality time with his DD, etc., but he had to put in the work.

I might have missed that but why can’t she be sent back to her mum’s?

Absolutely spot on.

It's like someone who has walked heedlessly into a fire shouting out "you have NO idea HOW hot it is in here" to those who are standing well back.

If there is any ignorance relevant, it isn't that of those who are keeping well clear of the heat.

The tragic thing is that in reality it is the children who bear the brunt of that lack of foresight.

She clearly isn’t keeping it hidden at all. She leaves the room whenever DSD enters, like a petulant moody child.

There is no way anyone can justify continuing to live with a child you have this much hate towards. The environment is toxic and abusive. She may have lied to SS because she didn’t have the right words explain how bad her home situation is but it clearly isn’t okay. OP is refusing to remove herself and her palpable hatred from the home situation. This can’t be good for any of the children living there.

this post misses the point.

the reason that ‘the majority have no experience what it’s like’ Is absolutely right. And that’s the point. We know it would be shit, for both us AND the stepchild, and so we don’t have relationships with single parents!!

unless you are prepared to love a step child and treat them as your own, as some step mums on this thread can, then it is horribly selfish to get in a relationship with a single parent, because you’re not going to be able to give that troubled child the help they need if it comes about.

Have you told your DH you HATE his DD? What was his response if you have. If someone who supposedly loves me told me they hated my child I would be destroyed. If he’s aware you feel like this what is he doing. If he isn’t aware, I’m astonished you are keeping the level of vitriol you feel so well hidden. I can hear you are absolutely at the end of your tether but you need to find someway of dealing with your fury in a much more regulated way if only for your own sake at this point. Are you a perfectionist OP? Your SD challenging this view of you and your DH appears to have completely shattered you.

OP is not awful. Based on her account of the situation, I'd say she's been very tolerant. However, everyone's kindness can be stretched and SD needs to learn that, even if she's hurting and struggling, it's not right or morally acceptable to lie to authorities the way she did. She also has to know that poor behaviour has consequences.

If you were serious about keeping your anonymity op, you wouldn’t be posting on here in the first place.

Either way, it’s unrealistic to post saying that you hate your sdd because she did this thing and then refuse to answer anything further about it. Besides which, you have answered some questions, which leads me to believe that you are probably uncomfortable about answering others, and this is not really about anonymity at all.

If you simply wanted to vent and express your anger and frustration without any response from anyone else, that would have been better achieved by shouting in to a pillow.

What did she report and how was it investigated?

Clearly you have reached the end of your tether here OP. Rightly or wrongly, you say you are done and have been open in your hatred for this 15 year old girl. As the relationship is beyond repair, the household must split.

This is awful for your own DC, but this girl's father will have a love and sense of responsibility towards her, that you have for your DC. It is wretched all around but the adults in the room need to take the situation in hand, not let hate and rage fester.

Her behaviour sounds dreadful - as teen girls can be. But she is still a child and is under the FT care of your husband. It sounds awful all around, but for everyone's sake splitting the household seems the only way forward based on what you have shared here. I don't see any type of family therapy working either.

At fifteen year old disturbed teen probably wouldn’t think beyond causing a massive ruckus and forcing everyone to focus on them. And wanting to change things up a bit. Especially if they felt they had little voice or control in the household.

Of course they wouldn’t fully comprehend the ramifications. They probably hoped that the person who hates them, the Op, would be removed from the home. She probably didn’t think much beyond that. She just wanted someone to listen to her viewpoint and take her seriously. Or she felt she was being treated unfairly and wanted to get her own back. Or a bit of both.

It was a terrible thing to do but would anyone have listened to her if she had expressed herself differently? It’s classic attention seeking behaviour.

You need to read up about the teenage brain because the limbic system doesn’t join up with the amygdala until someone is in their mid-twenties and this explains why adolescents are generally impulsive and lacking in foresight.

The chances of the 15yo being ‘evil’ are fairly slim, so it follows that her behaviour is a result of trauma.

it seems the op and her husband have had her full time since 12, but what about before that?
you have said that the mother moved miles away, and also you have 2 young children and enough time before that to have decided he’s wonderful, so would it be a fair assumption to assume that he barely saw his dd in her early years?
you are blaming this entirely on the mother moving far away, but were you and him putting more effort in to your relationship than he was with his dd? He could hsve had her weekends and holidays if she lived far away. He could have gone for full care if the mother was so absolutely awful.
in your 70 or so posts, you haven’t mentioned it so it’s probably safe to assume he didn’t bother.
and that’s where her problems started.
abandoned by her father, which you were a part of, then by her mother.

WRONG!

I think it’s appalling that we hold kids of 10 criminally responsible. I think it should be at least 13 - which ties in with the age we say they can consent to sex (albeit it’s still illegal).

The way you talk about the child is so toxic and the tone of your responses is equally aggressive it’s hard to not think you yourself might be the problem. Regardless of how much you repeat you hate her the facts are you sound a very toxic person and likely will continue to find that even your biological children grow up like this - damaged by the toxic adults supposed to care for them.

I once knew a girl who went totally off the rails. Her mother prioritised a relationship with new DP over her, as did her father. She had multiple step dads ranging from verbally abusive to sexually inappropriate. Her father remarried and quickly had a new family she was the outsider of and the step mum hated her and seemed hell bent on breaking the girl down to make her as angry and damaged as she possibly could to get DP all to herself.

The step mum would do things like small nasty comments continuously about weight and intelligence, purposefully cook dinners she knew SD didn’t like and complain when she didn’t eat them, buy the children snacks and then say SD ate them all, hide sanitary products so she always had to ask, set times on the hot water that meant the SD couldn’t shower when she wanted and never could find her towel, put younger siblings to bed and then make SD so uncomfortable to be downstairs with her dad by wearing scanty clothes and fawning over dad on sofa. The father did nothing but bask in the adulation of his younger wife, and the SD behaviour spiralled.

The SD was clearly unwanted and her needs neglected yet the step mum and Father saw themselves as the victims as the child’s behaviour deteriorated. How could the poor daughter ever explain all this toxic mess - a mess she didn’t create but one she was painted the villain of?

The truth is the girl never stood a chance with crap parents and a step mum with such a toxic, selfish obsessive love for her DH and biological children ….

From one stepmother to another , op you have my sympathy.
There are plenty on here getting stuck in , i bet the majority have little / no experience of what it's really like .
I am pretty sure you didn't set off feeling like this about the kid but you have been pushed to your limit .
I truly hope you have happy times to come, it can be truly awful.

OP I do think you need support with your anger.