I hate my DSD

Mine was an adult and DH widowed when we met. Overindulged by her late mother, by accounts from other family members. DS is a lovely bloke!

I've had mine for almost thirty years and I have finally gone NC after an unforgivable insult. DH said if she apologises that'll make it right. I said not this time. Toxic woman.

I am of the type to say all behaviour is communication and obviously dsc has somethings going on which need investigating with time and kindness. However as soon as she threatened the safety of the other children I would be looking at getting them out of there. I would not be able to get passed her reporting to social services and would be concerned that it might happen again.
I'm not saying you have to divorce your husband, you can keep the relationship going but it would be seperate homes for the both of you until she leaves or grows up and calms down. She would not be welcome in the new place, and I would expect my husband to not have his little children in the original house, all visits and access woild take place at yout home. Sibling relationships are to be valued but not when they are toxic.

OP I'm here to give solidarity. I also hate DSD. My DH though was a fairly rubbish dad although very very well intentioned. He didn't have the skillset. Her mother is a monster.

And I fully get your frustration at the 'show her some love and compassion'. I'm sure you have shown her years of it. When you then also have smaller ones relying on you, you will see things differently. I personally would not ever leave my baby alone in a room with DSD.

Do people think that bad adults were lovely teens? Do our feelings not count?

Hmmm. I feel for the OP here, it must be horrific. I have a DP who I met when his children were adults and they were brought up in a stable home (parents didn’t divorce until later in life). My DSS is a sweetheart but his sister has always been an absolute nightmare apparently. She functions in society and holds down a good career but my goodness she is absolutely vicious, controlling and manipulative to people close to her. She decided to go NC with both DSS and DP and tbh it has been a massive relief to them both. I hope that you get through this OP.

I hate my DSD too. She’s a right cow. She made up some wicked lies about me and my son which I just can’t forgive her for.

Love DSS like a second son though.

You have my sympathy. I’m not being sarcastic. I do not like my DSS. I don’t hate him, I just really don’t like him. Even the sound of his sneering posh voice gives me a visceral need to get away. And I did get away. I left. I live with my DC on my own now. It’s wonderful!

Are you honestly saying that from the age of 10-18 they have no awareness of right and wrong?

Should the teenage girls who beat an elderly man to death in islington be protected from their actions?

A 15 year old is very different from a 6 year old. There was a post on here the other day where an OP was getting pulled apart for her views of a 17, nearly 18 old. Is there some magic switch that exists when people turn 18?

Or should we be teaching them the consequences of their actions to prepare them for the level of responsibility and personal autonomy they instantly get at 18?

Also there will be plenty of reasons they have made the criminal age so responsibility 10. They won't just have plucked the number out of thin air.

I thought you initially said he was a great parent and her mother was the one letting it all go to hell?

It sounds as though both her parents have let her down. I'd be interested to know how their divorce was handled in terms of maintaining her stability, and the same for her new blended family. She didn't create this situation, it's all the result of what the adults decided to do.

I don't blame you for having had enough, if it's affecting your children then you need to protect them and ultimately she has two parents and you're not one of them so no, you don't have the same responsibility as to your kids. But I'll be really amazed if that oh-so-common "make decisions for the adults' benefit and blame the kids if they go wrong" trap hasn't been sprung in the slightest here. Already you say she's ruined a brilliant marriage but your marriage isn't her responsibility.

The young girl didn't get that way of her own accord.

OP of this thread sounds very spoiled.

@8842688l I feel terrible on him for clocking out but for my own mental health I simply cannot

It sounds like for your sake and for your little ones' sakes it's the right thing to do. What an awful position to be in, but ultimately your children come before him.

I'm not a step parent so can't really pass judgement but I do know that when someone is hurtful it helps me manage my own emotional response to understand where the behaviour is coming from.

Does her mum also have a new partner? New children? Does DP work hard/long hours/shift work leaving you to parent alone at times? How old was she when her parents separated? It seems to be a bit of a pattern on here with step children where they live the majority of their time with one parent who then finds a new relationship- invests more time in that than their child who then moves over to the other parent to avoid further rejection but finds they are set up with a new family and there is no space for them there either. Then follows teenage meltdown.

Is she getting any professional help? Psychological assessments? She sounds quite disturbed. Are you and DH getting your own mental health or professional support?
I know you have no sympathy for her but not living with her mum because of “issues” and her step mum hating her won’t be helping. I understand how you feel after an allegation like that but something has to change. Get her and yourselves help or leave.

While it's unpleasant for you OP I feel that the poor girl sounds very troubled and unhappy. She needs help not spite 😟

OP you sound done, exhausted and just over it. I can’t offer any advice, but would like to send a big hug and I hope it all works out for you one day.

teenage girls are hell.

I think you are absolutely right and you look to move out, you don’t need to split up. It’s possible you can be a better parent away from the situation.

Can dsd move back to her mother’s house or even stay for weekends?

I suspect the child is heartbroken, feeling rejected and her behaviour has become sugnificantly worse with the flood of hormones hitting her system at this age. It is a tricky age in the best of circsmtances.

You are angry. You are furious. She won’t always be 15. This will pass. Try to remember she is a broken child, rather than the enemy.

Leans on the side of psychotic?! What does that even mean?? People experience psychosis, which is a serious mental illness and should be treated. She may have complex emotional needs from trauma…. And she’ll know she’s hated by you!

Not all children get rejected by their own mother at age 12.

She didn't say that at all, she said he's a great dad. But it's difficult for one parent, particularly the NRP to counter the poor parenting of the other parent. And sometimes it IS the mum's fault. I had a terrible mother. I also know loads of brilliant mothers but they're not all perfect and it's dangerous to assume they are.

Yes but are you the resident parent? It's different if you have the child at least 50% of the time. It sounds like the mother was the resident parent for the formative years. Overly permissive parenting can produce as many issues of entitlement and manipulation in teenagers and adults as overly harsh or neglectful parenting. It sounds like the mother set no boundaries and possibly also parentified the child and then washed her hands of her when she unsurprisingly became extremely difficult to manage.

OP I really feel for you. It sounds desperate. Ignore all the horrible, unsupportive posters. Of course you and your DH deserve happiness.

Honestly I’d either be moving out or be telling her she can fuck off to boarding school for sixth form (might do her good)

Tons of kids make stuff up. What if it had bdd. Your child who had? Would you hate them with quite so much venom? You need to leave as no child should go through childhood being despised by their grown ups.

@8842688l you have my sympathy - however I do think her dad needs to take her away on her own somewhere, and get to the bottom of this -