I hate my DSD

Where is her mother in all of this? Does she spend time with her often? Any wider family able to offer support?

Lying to social services about abuse is not related to being a hormonal teen. It’s calculated and cunning and points to being a psychopath without empathy and who will stop at nothing to get what she wants. 99% of teens wouldn’t have it in them to do that.

Teenage girls do lie and manipulate, or at least try to, that's not unusual. But some of the people trying to say it's all your fault should read "We need to talk about Kevin". OK it's fiction but there are children who are pretty much like that.

My sympathy OP. I got through my kid's teenage years by constantly repeating a phrase picked up on MN - your child needs you most when you like them least. My husband would remind me there were worse kids out there. If she is not doing drugs and pregnant and is still in school then it could be worse.

If you can survive and you and her dad put up a united front you might be able to turn this round,

Have you always been emotionally immature OP?

She’s a teenager in the height of hormones. Of course she’s unpleasant.

You sound worse, at your age you should know better. It’s ok not to be best friends or love her, but to hate her and avoid her? You’ve got problems.

Regardless, if the steady life in parent is offering steady live in parenting it would make a difference. From your own posts your DH has tried the soft approach, the hard approach, and every other approach in these few years she’s loved with you. It doesn’t sound particularly consistent outwith whatever her DM has/hasn’t done.

Yes but the point is, when teens become challenging, which is a very normal process, their parents still love them through it while detesting their behaviour. And although they find this stage very tough, they don’t loathe and blame the teenager for it.

I remember a dear old lady who lived on the ground floor of the house where I had a flat. For years, her daughter came to visit, and then one day out of the blue she mentioned a son. I expressed surprise, because I had no idea she had another child. Very sadly, she told me that she was relieved he never came to see her because "I must admit I don't like him very much." She described a few things he'd done that I supposed nowadays (this was years ago) would have him classed as a psychopath. As a child, he worried her; as a teenager, he frightened her.

Some people are just wired up wrong. And a deprived childhood does not have to turn you into an arsehole. My DH had the most horrendous childhood and is the kindest person you can imagine. He's way more considerate than I am.

Scheming, manipulative people are rather special I think. It's beyond natural selfishness because they have actually thought things through and planned them, and either don't give a shit about hurting others or actually relish it.

Wild horses could not drag me to live with other people's children. My own teens gave me a hard enough time.

Honestly, OP, live separately and continue your relationship that way.

So basically you hate her and her mother and think she’s the problem. Yup.

So true. Some people are just plain nasty and it doesn’t just happen when they turn 18. This girl sounds manipulative and sadistic with her false allegations and lies. She will no doubt turn into a nasty and manipulative woman once she is an adult. Just like the bullies at my school have largely turned into adult versions of what they were like as teens. And no they didn’t all have trauma in their lives.
I would completely check out, stop speaking to her, stop reacting to anything she says or does and focus on your own kids. Her mum believes the lies yet her mum wasn’t able to cope with her living there beyond the age of 12 which says a lot. Be cautious- try to never be alone with her and id also start recording conversations etc if she’s in the habit of making false allegations.
If there’s another report to social services I would move out with the younger kids. Your DH has to make a choice.

Hmm, not sure what you’re trying to achieve here, but alienating people will not help in making your situation more understood or making posters more empathetic.

You certainly sound like you are beyond the end of your tether. I hope your marriage can survive this, but suspect it won’t. I wish you and your DC the best of luck in the future, however that may look for you.

You’re talking about a 12 year old you absolute weirdo 🤣😭. She dug her heels in and stayed cuz she was a selfish adult (worse than a selfish child). The lack of brain cells is astounding

I can totally see why you feel the way you do, but she is still a child and so needs to be surrounded by people who love her unconditionally (which you cannot). You need to leave, you also need to leave for your children's safety: social services and the police will need to investigate every allegation and this could blow apart your children's lives. What if she alleges something very extreme and difficult to disprove? It will be on your children's records.

I think some of the responses you're getting are unfair. It must have been absolutely awful to have police and social services investigating. A completely humiliating and scary experience. I'm surprised your marriage didn't crumble. How did your children take it? It can also affect your ability to work in certain sectors.

You shouldn’t be throwing that word so casually around like that about a child. It’s irresponsible.

I don’t care what your teen dsd has done, how an adult can post this stuff about a child is not on.

Have you ever considered that coming to live in a home where younger cute step siblings are favoured over you the awkward older teen step kid, can be pretty damaging in itself?

Perhaps she was out drinking because she felt neglected, so when she got in trouble she took that as her prompt to tell social services she felt neglected. You do seem very emotionally immature as you're perceiving her behaviour as being purely ways of attacking you, as though she's being horrible to you and ruining your lives for the sake of it. Why? Because she's an awful person, end of story? It's an incredibly shallow interpretation. It's great that you're in therapy but it will take a long time for you to untangle this, meanwhile you'll all continue triangulating and seeing yourselves as victims to your evil SD. It really would be best for you to split the households and for her father to focus on his daughter right now as she clearly needs focused attention. Could you and your partner put her first for once, to give her a chance at turning her life around?

I have children who have been through trauma with their biological father, much more trauma than my SD who's parents split before she was born and she has no memory of anything other than me and her dad being together. Yet my children have never showed the type of behaviour the OP describes but my SD has.

Some adults are just not nice people, I'm sure we're all aware of them, and those people used to be not nice children. Sometimes you can put everything you have in to a child and they still turn out to be a complete narcissist, this doesn't just happen overnight when they turn 18. And it's extremely hard to deal with when you're a step parent and have less control and are unexplainably held to insanely high standards.

Ugh, typed that while making breakfast and so many typos!

Your DSD has lived with you full time for the past 2-4 years and you don’t think your DH’s parenting has anything to do with her worsening behaviour? It’s all the mother’s fault?

Sorry, but I don’t agree a well rounded child needs to have two present and co ordinated parents, as one good parent has been plenty good enough for masses of kids.

How old was she when her father left, and why did he leave and staet a new family

I had one of those OP. She’s now my ex step daughter. My life is so peaceful now without the constant drama. No man on this planet is worth it.

This is mumsnet so if you had said this about a friend's kid or neighbour's kid you would have been absolutely fine. In fact there was a thread just yesterday where the OP said they couldnt stand a child who kept trying to play with their daughter and the replies were all in support and saying how awful the child sounded. But you've said it about your stepkid and so obviously you're evil.
The step-parentong board barely gets posted on anymore because there is no point, posters are just hounded by women who have no understanding of what it's like to be a step-parent and project their own worries of a step-parent coming into their children's lives.

I felt the exact same as you about my oldest stepson at one point. He lived with us full time but had been raised by his mum for the first 9 year and she had created an absolute monster. He was awful, obnoxious, nasty, manipulative, aggressive and destructive, his mum had actually encouraged all of this (and would post videos of him behaving this way to social media, laughing or making comments such as 'like mother like son'. I seriously questioned leaving for the sake of my younger children that I shared with DH but then was also scared to because it would mean them being around my stepson without me there so I ended up staying so that I could always be there.

I honestly hated him so much at one point that I struggled to look him in the eye. But over the years of loving with us, the effort that DH and I have put in to raising him has finally started to make a different. He is now 14 but he is becoming much better, he can still be seriously obnoxious at times but he is also now starting to show a really kind and caring side and is starting to be a good big brother to his siblings, rather than a bully (most of the time). My feelings about him have changed so much and I really do care about and love him now. He is far from perfect, what kid isn't, but has come a long way from when he first came to live with us. It's been 5 years since he came to live here full time and Id say that it took 4 and half of those years to get where we are, the first 4 were awful. So hopefully there's hope for your stepdaughter and maybe she will eventually learn more from you and your DH than she did from her mum, it's a long and rough road though.

So bored of the poor kid narrative on here when it concerns a stepchild. They could do absolutely anything and some posters would still say ‘poor kid’ and lambast the stepmum. Always stepmums, not stepdads, they’re safe from the vitriol from the first wives club.

The poor kid is 15 years old, she knows what she’s doing. Sometimes people, including younger people, are just fucking horrible. And sometimes they are just fucking horrible because they can be and not due to deep rooted trauma because their parents split up and blah blah. My DC doesn’t get to see their dad who I am divorced from, but I don’t give them allowance to take the absolute piss out of everyone in their vicinity as a result.

If this post was about anyone but a step daughter - a school bully, a biological daughter, a work colleague, a niece - the responses would, as always, be completely different.

I would honestly send her back to mum if she thinks she’s so fucking great.

Yes but the point is, when teens become challenging, which is a very normal process, their parents still love them through it while detesting their behaviour. And although they find this stage very tough, they don’t loathe and blame the teenager for it.

Your dsd probably felt herself to be in quite a helpless situation with very little control op and did what she did because she felt unhappy and desperate and didn’t think it through. And probably didn’t have full awareness of the consequences either. How could she at fifteen?

I hope your dp comes to his senses and realises that he cannot live with someone who hates his child.

I don’t care that you feel better venting here op frankly. You sound as though you are taking her behaviour very personally when it’s her stage of development that is the issue. And the circumstances she has found herself living in. It’s totally inappropriate to post your hate speech about a child.

You’re batshit. Leave the dad so she can have some peace.