I hate my DSD

I find it interesting that the DSD’s mother is such an evil, spiteful and horrendous piece of work but not quite so evil, awful and horrendous that DSD could be legitimately extensively traumatised by living with and subsequently being abandoned by her.

Mine is now an adult op and I've got to that exact point this weekend. Nearly 2 decades of tolerating shit and I'm absolutely done after the final straw.

Why is it so much worse to admit that you feel so resentful about another human being who is destroying your life?

Oh come on!! Really??? This is a wild hop, skip and a jump away from what the OP is saying. She’s at the end of her tether and considering ending her relationship not murdering a child FFS … Mumsnet is meant to be for asking and receiving appropriate advice, not writing a fecking episode of Eastenders 🙄 I know there is a lot of stepparent bashing on here but this post takes the absolute biscuit!!

You don't get to decide what other people find traumatic just because it is inconvenient to you that they find it so.

Family breakdown is a recognised Adverse Childhood Experience correlated with poor mental health outcomes. Living between two homes is hard (which is why so few separated parents opt for the 'nesting' route - it's inconvenient and uncomfortable, far easier to push that burden onto their children). Having half siblings to compare yourself to, who get to live with both their parents all the time, who get more of your parent than you do of either of yours, is galling and upsetting and unless incredibly sensitively managed damaging to self esteem.

How far do you take this 'it's not that bad so pull your socks up' approach to trauma? Are children who are verbally abused not allowed to feel trauma because the abuse was not sexual? Are those who are sexually abused not allowed to feel trauma because they weren't beaten? My mother died suddenly by suicide - am I allowed to poo poo the grief of my friends whose mothers died peacefully in their sleep of old age?

There is no 'real' trauma. Trauma is a response in the brain, its no more 'real' or 'unreal' than anything else that happens there, and can be caused by a number of different things of varying objective severity depending on the context and the individual experiencing it.

I think if you’re not married, take DP off the mortgage and recompense his contribution so he can find somewhere for them both to live nearby and see how the relationship goes from there. It may be over or it may not be but your DC will be better off and your SD will reach adulthood soon enough.

I'm sorry you've been given such a hard time with posters. In Mumsnet saying "step" is the prelude of horrible posts without empathy of any kind.

A good friend has a g/d she no longer sees. She's 19/20 now and left home a couple of years ago when her parents couldn't deal with her behaviour and told her to go and find her own path in life. She had lied, done drugs, left home at 15 and was found with a man 30 years older and returned home. Her parents couldn't control her school attendance, they'll drive her to the school, and she'd leave shortly after saying she was sick. She didn't care about school at all.

Her parents tried engaging her in weekly private psychology for many years but she refused to attend. The police or social services didn't help at all. At 16 she was old enough to make decisions and that was that.

My friend and her daughter have cried themselves to sleep for many years thinking of her but no one could control her behaviour, and mom had 2 other children small children (full siblings) at home to care for.

I feel for you

Ah yes, another thread where the DSC is a poor kid who's been badly treated and needs sympathy, empathy and treating with love and kid gloves.

This is the second thread this week where the DSM is being piled on, regardless of the fact that the OP is in the situation because the child's own mother can't or won't cope and has forced the child to leave.

Kids can be vile. There are threads on here where the OP in a happy marriage and with a supportive DH but the child is still a violent, abusive liar. Remember the nature/nurture debate. While environment plays a part in shaping behaviour so does personality and other traits. Not every child of divorced parents acts up to this extent, far from it. It's not a foregone conclusion to divorce.

Goodness. Is any man worth putting up with this?

I wonder too - the blended family situation in particular doesn't seem to work at all. I wouldn't do that to my child, to be honest. The only reason my relationship with my lovely DP works (logistically) is because his kids are adults and have flown the coop. If he had kids at home, I'm not sure either of us would have the emotional bandwidth or the time to invest in keeping an equilibrium. It is a situation that requires active management to make sure all the children are happy and feeling secure and none of it takes too much of a toll on the adults. So many ways it can go wrong, and it does, if MN posts are to be believed.

Honestly you shouldn't have married someone when you can't have a good relationship with their child. Whatever reason she is like this you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone if you can't tolerate or don't want their child in your life. It's not fair on anyone. It is a fundamental incompatibility, and as a child of divorce, I am sick of seeing step parents whinging about 'poor me' when the child was in the picture before you. Either you accept the child for all their flaws and blend families, or you walk away. You are an adult, no one made you.

It's these threads on MN that leave me wondering why people get into these situations in the first place.

It must be screamingly obvious how much potential there is for everything to blow up.

I imagine in these circumstances she has good reason to feel neglected and that her needs really aren’t being met. Perhaps she reached out to social services for help because she feels completely stuck.

OP seems very focused on the safety of her younger children and the “risk” her DSD put those children in. What risk was there? DSD didn’t herself abuse the children, wasn’t violent to them etc. if the “risk” was the lies to told to SS then surely OP should feel quite confident in proving them unfounded - particularly towards her own two DC. This is an emotional situation and OP has clearly had a very emotional reaction but calling her a psycho and making out she endangered OP’s own DC is completely unfounded from everything OP has said.

If OP was willing to clarify exactly what her DSD did maybe I would look on it differently. But she didn’t say yet that the ‘lies told’ were anything regarding abuse.

I can testify to this - my ex is a (diagnosed) NPD. Overindulgence from parents - sun shone out of his ass, highly valued for the degrees he got, the money he made. More he made, more they loved him. No neglect there. But a nasty piece of work emerged.

Teenagers are hard work, but there are regular challenging teenagers and then there are disordered personalities who crave drama and leave desolation in their wake. There is absolutely no need to give the latter a free pass or insist that everyone must care for and coddle them them just because they aren't 18 yet. She does need parenting/care/etc but it falls on her parents to offer that, not the OP. She is entitled to step back and yes, to dislike someone who has brought so much chaos and heartbreak to her and her children.

Agreed.

"Kids dont act out just because, there is always a reason. It may be complex and unclear. But there is always a reason."

What utter bullshit

Correct. I highly recommend the book Without Conscience, Pyschopaths Among Us by Dr Robert Hare. 1 in 100 people are, by his estimation, born without the ability to feel guilt, shame, love or any real fear of consequences. It is an old book now, but still a must read. He's been studying psychopaths for decades.

Some of us are tortured terribly and still manage to retain our humanity. Some use suffering to excuse torturing others.

In the end, it doesn't matter why anyway. It only matters that we protect ourselves and our children from them.

The OP said "She moved in at 12 due to an array of issues with living with DM". That hints at a very messed up living situation.

So the lovely dad who's apparently a wonderful parent left his DD with his ex-wife, surely knowing his daughter wasn't getting the best care. Then only several years later does he actually do anything by having his DD live with him.

His slowness to act would definitely make a child think they're unwanted.

Your comparison to family members dying is interesting. Studies have in fact shown that divorce can be *more" traumatic for kids than the death of a parent. Of course it depends on how sensitively the situation is handled, but by the look of it there hasn't been much sensitivity shown by either the mum or dad (or the OP, but she has less of a role to play) in this situation.

care.org.uk/news/2022/04/divorce-worse-for-children-than-bereavement-study-shows

Move out OP and stay with DP and see if she leaves when she’s older.

From her position, her own mum isn't there, her dad is indifferent to her suffering and her stepmom hates her. She has no option but to live where she does and has no escape from it, except I'm assuming other with other troubled teens. It sounds like you need more support because you're busy with the younger two and aren't in the headspace to deal with it, possibly a part of you thinking because she's older she should know better/doesn't need as much attention/rearing. More support is needed for all of you, even if it's just organising a neighbour/after-school camp for the younger two

Well you are the one who is choosing which facts we have access to.

I also think we may have differing understanding of what is meant by parenting in this situation, and I suppose I mean it in the broadest sense. By 15 ‘parenting’ looks very different to the directive style you will be using with your younger children. It also of course means that the ‘punishment’ will be different- you can’t put a 15 year old on the naughty step.

It isn’t now clear what you mean by aunt/not parent. For example, what is the situation regarding her laundry?

In terms of what should you do? It is only partially clear what has happened, but presumably within the family therapy there is a close discussion of parenting. It is not at all unusual for angry teenagers to not engage directly with therapy, and for the therapy to be second order via changes to the parenting style.

Does she have anyone sensible with a positive regard towards her, with whom she can speak? An aunt perhaps, a schoolmates Mum, a teacher/coach? Even an older cousin?

What are your expectations for what will happen once she turns 18?

I am going to repeat a question from my first post: if she could articulate her thoughts and feelings in a way that was acceptable to you, what do you think she would say?