Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave?

42 replies

KiKiStartsOver · 13/10/2025 20:42

My partner of almost six years is not someone I want to spend my life with anymore. We have a toddler. Please tell me things will get better when I leave and I won’t be ruining her life.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Original poster
KiKiStartsOver · 13/10/2025 23:45

I work from home sometimes, not always and not on consistent days. I think I need to find a new job but it’s hard in this climate (I’ve been applying and getting nowhere). I don’t think the house is in good enough order to rent out and honestly I’d rather not be a landlord from miles away. I could probably take in a lodger but I want to leave. I want a clean break from
him.

I need to sleep but I’m too full of adrenaline and fear.

OP posts:
Imbusytodaysorry · 13/10/2025 23:37

@KiKiStartsOver ok so you never called the police this time.
Speak to citizen advice .
Speak to women’s aid
Also a Solicitor or a few for half hour free advice .

I think I’d call the police next time he kicks off .
Then I’d worry about the rest .
I get and order to keep him out, apply for maintenance .

Are you able to take in a lodger ?
Would you be able to rent the house out full
time and move back to parents .

Do you work from home ( thinking not)
Are you able to get a transfer.
As soon as you start asking questions and getting answers it won’t feel so overwhelming .

Original poster
KiKiStartsOver · 13/10/2025 23:10

He’s very angry at the moment, more so than usual, I believe because his ex wife is getting remarried

OP posts:
Original poster
KiKiStartsOver · 13/10/2025 23:09

And yes I know he’d get bored of her and the responsibility eventually but I don’t want to do anything that’d risk him having any more access than necessary. I should probably have called the police earlier when he was smashing the house up. I am stupid.

OP posts:
Original poster
KiKiStartsOver · 13/10/2025 23:07

KylieKangaroo · 13/10/2025 23:02

Better off having no money and being safe with your daughter than staying with him. Stop making excuses to stay, I know it's hard but what kind of life have you got right now.

I’m not making excuses, I desperately want to leave, but I want to do it as safely as possible, in a way that allows us to have as good a home as possible. I’m very isolated. All of my friends despise him so I don’t see them anymore. If he makes the house unsellable, I am the one who loses out as the deposit was all mine and he has plenty of funds available. If I can’t afford to house my daughter, what if she ends up with him?

OP posts:
KylieKangaroo · 13/10/2025 23:02

Better off having no money and being safe with your daughter than staying with him. Stop making excuses to stay, I know it's hard but what kind of life have you got right now.

Original poster
KiKiStartsOver · 13/10/2025 23:01

I’ve just gone downstairs to assess the damage I could hear earlier (it’s safe - I can hear snoring from the sofa) and he’s ripped a drawer front off in the kitchen and broken furniture by smashing it into a wall tonight, damaging the plaster. I don’t know how much this will cost to repair but it’ll be my fault for making him angry I expect so he won’t pay. This is what I’m up against and why the house is so awful.

OP posts:
Original poster
KiKiStartsOver · 13/10/2025 22:57

ShouldITrust · 13/10/2025 22:44

Might be worth speaking to the mortgage company to see if you can have a payment holiday or convert it to an interest only while you sell.
Have you tried the citizens advice bureau? I hope someone can give you advice on how to be able to leave without it financially ruining you.

I had a mortgage holiday whilst on maternity leave (he wouldn’t contribute anything) and the provider only allows one every two years. I could try for interest only. I think that’d only be a few hundred off though sadly.

OP posts:
Original poster
KiKiStartsOver · 13/10/2025 22:56

HD84 · 13/10/2025 22:13

Can you move away near your family for support?

He won’t let me go easily. I’d need to do it in secret.

I know I sound pathetic but I’m quite competent in every other aspect of my life. I can’t believe I’ve let myself and my daughter down so badly as to be with someone like him. I know he’s going to do everything he can to destroy me. If he treats someone he supposedly loves like this, imagine how he’ll treat someone he openly hates.

OP posts:
ShouldITrust · 13/10/2025 22:44

Might be worth speaking to the mortgage company to see if you can have a payment holiday or convert it to an interest only while you sell.
Have you tried the citizens advice bureau? I hope someone can give you advice on how to be able to leave without it financially ruining you.

DiscoBob · 13/10/2025 22:14

I hope you can move closer to your original support network.

Your life will definitely be better away from someone you are not happy with.x

HD84 · 13/10/2025 22:13

Can you move away near your family for support?

Original poster
KiKiStartsOver · 13/10/2025 22:11

I could get it valued. According to Zoopla its gained nothing in the past three years since we bought.

OP posts:
Original poster
KiKiStartsOver · 13/10/2025 22:10

I already know my rights. We’re not married, he owes me nothing financially.

OP posts:
Original poster
KiKiStartsOver · 13/10/2025 22:09

ShouldITrust · 13/10/2025 22:04

Legal advice doesn’t have to mean that you have lawyers that fight each other. It can mean that you see someone to find out your rights so you know what to negotiate for.

Can you not pay the mortgage while you wait for a house sale? Surely selling it at a lower price due to its state would be better than letting it be repossessed. Depends how much of the mortgage you have paid off though as lowering the price could put you in negative equity. Could you get the house valued without him knowing?

Our mortgage is almost 2k a month, plus all the household bills and nursery, no I couldn’t afford to pay it by myself. I have no savings because I’ve always paid the lion’s share of everything (came into the relationship with 30k savings but it’s all gone). He’s recently had an inheritance but won’t spend it on the house. The house is a complete wreck due to him starting work but never finishing anything.

OP posts:
ShouldITrust · 13/10/2025 22:04

Legal advice doesn’t have to mean that you have lawyers that fight each other. It can mean that you see someone to find out your rights so you know what to negotiate for.

Can you not pay the mortgage while you wait for a house sale? Surely selling it at a lower price due to its state would be better than letting it be repossessed. Depends how much of the mortgage you have paid off though as lowering the price could put you in negative equity. Could you get the house valued without him knowing?

Original poster
KiKiStartsOver · 13/10/2025 22:02

My step kids are wonderful with DD but I worry they won’t always be around to look after her, nor should it be their responsibility. And once they’re old enough to decide, I doubt they’ll see him, though he doesn’t realise that yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
KiKiStartsOver · 13/10/2025 22:00

I’m not entitled to benefits except child benefit, and would get single occupancy council tax discount. I’m a professional with a decent career who has let an absolute loser take over her life.

I don’t want to stay in this area. He won’t help with nursery costs or drop offs to deliberately stop me from being able to work (my role requires travel), whereas I’d have family help at home. I am so scared I’ll end up trapped and penniless whilst he tries to poison her against me. He’s absolutely vile about his ex to his older kids.

OP posts:
CherrieTomaties · 13/10/2025 21:51

KiKiStartsOver · 13/10/2025 21:44

No I don’t. We moved hours away from my home to be near his kids from his first marriage. His ex despises him. He always said she cheated and maybe she did, but now he constantly accuses me of cheating too, so I don’t know.

He is controlling, threatening, emotionally abusive but he’s not violent in any way that’d be convicted.

Show quote history

Threats, emotional abuse and coercive control are criminal offences.

You really do need to speak to WomensAid and get some legal advice re: finances, what benefits you could be entitled to etc.

I’m sorry you’re in this position and he sounds awful. But you need to do what’s right for you and your child. You need to prioritise your child’s wellbeing and safety. By doing that, you need to leave the relationship.

It’s important that you leave the relationship as safely as possible, which is why you need legal advice, the help and support from WomensAid and the police.

Original poster
KiKiStartsOver · 13/10/2025 21:50

He acts like he hates me and I’m pretty sure he’s using prostitutes but he doesn’t want to separate because he likes the facade of having a family. And I pay most of the bills and do most of the housework (though it’s never enough to him).

OP posts:
Original poster
KiKiStartsOver · 13/10/2025 21:46

Wolfiefan · 13/10/2025 21:42

You don’t want to be with him. So legal advice would set out where you stand. You sound scared of him. So legal advice would help you ascertain how to protect your child.

Legal advice isn’t a magic bullet. He has rights to see his child, he has rights to stop me moving, he has far more money for legal action and advice if that’s the road I go down. He will fight me on absolutely everything he can.

I can’t let him know I’m planning to leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
KiKiStartsOver · 13/10/2025 21:44

CherrieTomaties · 13/10/2025 21:42

Then you need to speak to WomensAid and report his abuse to the police.

Do you have parents or any other family members nearby where you and your child can stay?

No I don’t. We moved hours away from my home to be near his kids from his first marriage. His ex despises him. He always said she cheated and maybe she did, but now he constantly accuses me of cheating too, so I don’t know.

He is controlling, threatening, emotionally abusive but he’s not violent in any way that’d be convicted.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 13/10/2025 21:42

You don’t want to be with him. So legal advice would set out where you stand. You sound scared of him. So legal advice would help you ascertain how to protect your child.

CherrieTomaties · 13/10/2025 21:42

Then you need to speak to WomensAid and report his abuse to the police.

Do you have parents or any other family members nearby where you and your child can stay?

Original poster
KiKiStartsOver · 13/10/2025 21:33

I really don’t think legal advice is going to do anything. He’s got significant amounts of money in the bank so could easily pay for an expensive lawyer if I got one.

He’s a very big, strong and threatening man. A child can’t stand up to him.

OP posts: