I’m so angry at DH

Separate your finances op. Get your wages paid into a bank account that he doesn't have access too. Put half of the savings into an account in your name. Unfortunately you're going to be stuck with the bills and mortgage but once he's spent his half of the savings he won't have access to more.

Some men find it very hard feeling rejected at work (I know he quit, but he was finding work tricky so therefor a kind of rejection). I think you have to tackle this and encourage / how good he is.

Realistically him being a house husband isn’t financially really viable or fair on you, he might respond more to carrot than stick on some conversations. Maybe even a different career path. Good luck.

Has he been sacked OP? His behaviour sounds very odd.

My ex husband did this. He had been having lots of issues with his boss and saying he wanted to start his own business for months. He asked me how I would feel bankrolling him for 3-4 months while he got set up. I said absolutely not as we had a two year old. He had a row with his boss and did it unilaterally anyway.

It was the trigger (there were other reasons) for the end of our marriage. I couldn’t get past the fact he had done it after I expressly said it was a terrible idea and knowing I had a tiny child. The lack of consideration and selfishness was the final nail in the coffin.

I couldn’t live with and pretend to love someone who was so childish and manipulative. I would find the cake baking business a huge insult yo your intelligence too: its like he knows he’s been a shit and it trying to butter you up. Like buying flowers after cheating. It would be the end for me, sorry.

My husband did the same 3 months after we got married in 2023. Said his employer/manager was useless so decided to stick it to them and walk out, without discussing with me first (which is not the first time he’s done that). He has not bothered to get a new job since then. Wondering now if that was his plan all along! From other responses here, I realise I never considered that he might be entitled to maintenance payments from me if we got divorced.

Are you for real?

Of couirse she's fucking furious - and she can keep up being furious for as long as she bloody well wants.

Such a patronising post - it must be so lovely in your world. I bet there are no money struggles there at all.

You sound very similar to us. We married young (1994) and in effect I took over from MIL with the mental load. He earned more, but I was the one who penny-pinched to make sure everything was paid.
It's only recently I realised (naively or stupidly) DH had no idea how difficult this was. Whilst I thought he appreciated how difficult it was, it appears he thought the mental load/wife-work hardly existed because he'd never done it. I thought we were in it together... I was wrong. I've put my foot down in the last few years, although it is easier now DC are adults (our youngest has just left for university).
DH is diagnosed with ADHD so for my peace of mind I do still have the mental load, but I would leave if he quit his job and thought he could be a SAHD. It''s far more than cleaning, cooking and baking a cake. Our incomes give us a life I've waited thirty years for, was promised. Of course I'm projecting, but if DH quit his job I'd be angry in your position. He doesn't get to make unilateral decisions that affect your whole life. That's not fair, especially after thirty years.

Yeah, this bullshit. He's 49! If he wants to retire then he needs a nest egg. Incredibly selfish of him to think you will be the breadwinner and he can stay at home and bake cakes.

@bottletop26 I think its fair to be angry.

But people don't just snap for no reason, something around work has been building up in him for a while.
Did he talk to you about his job? what do you know about it?
You need to find out what is really going on with him

This is so important. To make sure he can’t checkmate you financially.

Get you into a position where you have to pay if you stay together and pay if you divorce. Don’t give your tacit approval to being the sole earner. Strict time limit, then you must consider protecting your financial future.

Could he be unwell and not telling you? Is he able to speak openly and honestly about his mental health?

But you’re no longer a team. Because he made a unilateral decision and is coercing you into accommodating it. That’s not teamwork.

And he’s been really rash. If he was so unhappy in his job, he should’ve discussed with you, looked to maybe reduce his hours at work while looking for another job, including maybe a change of direction (or reduced hours in the new job) as long as he can pay his fair share of household expenses. Or even approached his employer about voluntary redundancy, which would’ve given him money to live on while he has a good chunk of time off.

You shouldn’t be using up all your joint savings to cover his share of the household expenses. He can use his share to do that if he wants. But not yours. I’d tell him that and show you mean business by taking your half out now and putting in your own savings account.

Make it clear, he has to pay his half of all household essential expenses going forward. How he chooses to do that is up to him. If he wants to live like a church mouse for a year rather than work, he can if he can pay his share. But suggest you book a holiday with friends or family, maybe even abroad.

Suggest you have a think about what you’d like your life to be like over the next 10-20 years. Your DH sounds like he’s disinclined to adventure or treats. If that’s want you’d like, I wouldn’t let him limit you. You don’t have to get divorced, but you could (and should) live the life you want to live, especially given you were a younger mother, so have taken responsibility for others for a long time. Put yourself first now.

Fair enough you don't want to to work any more either you've also quit your job and taken up a hobby and meeting friends if he doesn't need to work neither do you right

OP, would he be open to the idea of applying to a supermarket such as Tesco as a delivery driver at this point? They are always so busy and needing drivers at this time of year. It will keep some money coming in while he thinks about the way forward and perhaps returning to his original line of work in the spring. I think that their shift patterns would still give him time to bake and so on.

This was always his plan, you can either stay with him or split up.

I can't believe anyone would do this without having a long discussion and agreeing on it first. Dropping this on you, hinting he doesn't intend to work again, then calling you selfish on top of it...Is he mad?

mine did similar- took voluntary redundancy without discussing it with me and then spent a year loafing about the house using the redundancy payment to pay his share of the bills. When that ran out he spent three months trying to get a job with me covering all the bills. He only looked at part-time roles and now has a low paid job paying just enough to keep up his contribution to the bills. Our marriage has never recovered and after another breach of trust incident by him i am divorcing him.

My husband planned and trained (in his annual leave) for a career change to a less stressful job when he was 50. He was then let down by the company that had encouraged him to train on the understanding that they would employ him.
Instead of sitting on his backside or joking about being a househusband (despite us having actually paid off our mortgage) he got a delivery job and combined it with fruit picking which led to him being in the right place at the right time to actually get a job in the new field he had trained for.
Your husband is far too young to give up work and if he doesn't have the savings to enable him to contribute his half to the household expenses for however long he envisages taking this " break", then he needs to take any entry level job he can get.
You need to have a serious talk about money with him, but try to stay factual with out recriminations. Lay out the figures so he can see his "plan" just won't wash and set time frames for action: applying for jobs in his field, making an appointment at the job centre (or whatever it is called these days) applying for Christmas seasonal jobs....etc.
Good luck.

I also wonder what happened in his job. These things don't just come out of a clear, blue sky. It's his responsibility to say what happened though.

@Harriet9955 What does the GF think about her mum? I'm a bit worried for your DS!

I personally wouldn't be angry about him quitting if something at work was the final straw moment for him.

What I would be pissed off at is the lack of job hunting, and the suggestion of being a househusband.

My DH has been made redundant, and literally the day after he spent full days every day job hunting and applying for new jobs. He didn't give up and within a fortnight he had his next job lined up.

So I absolutely understand why you're angry at his lack of job hunting and desire to not work. But I would be supportive of his need to leave the job he was in. Now you need to work together as a team, you shouldn't need to talk him round to getting another job, but frustratingly in your situation it seems you need do.

Totally agree. I work in benefits and the number of households where one of a couple just isn't bothering to work anymore ( not because they can't due to illness or caring) is actually quite shocking ! I will be out of a job next year due to a fixed term contract ending and am worried to death already about it. Others don't seem to bat an eyelid about not working for years. My ds's gf's mum has never had proper job ever, just lived off various men.

Are you sure he 1. hadn’t got into trouble at work, maybe he quit before being pushed, and thinks he won’t get a reference for a new job, so pretending he likes being a house husband? Or 2. Is having a lazy mid life crisis and quit his job on a whim and now likes pottering round home all day? Thinking he can put his feet up and you’ll pick up the slack? Id be furious in your shoes too. As you’ve finally got financially comfortable and he does this. So what would he have done if you were the one giving up
work? ?

My exact thought too.

I think he's been daydreaming about it and just used this as the excuse to actually do it, handing all responsibility over to you as he went.

It would be different if his mh was being compromised in the role, or if he was recognising the impact it would have on you both and family finances and was actively seeking new work but this laisse faire attitude would send me.

I am similar age to you dh and i don’t want to work anymore either but like you I like to live a comfortable life. I have a few more years left to pay so I get full state pension and need to keep up my private pension contributions.
when i have annual leave without dh I joke about being a housewife are you sure dh wasn’t joking

He will find being a 'house husband' fun for one week.

Give him £25 to buy food, kitchen, and bathroom supplies for a week and let him produce nice meals and enough loo roll for that.

Or just waste no time seeing a solicitor and find out where you stand.

Looking back, were you counting pennies because he was always something of a chaos maker?

Is he punishing you for taking maternity leave many years ago?

Was he fired, and does he think a story about flouncing off in a fit of pique about disrespect would garner him.more sympathy? My exH did this.

I don’t think being a house husband with adult kids matters he is qualified and capable of working and they would expect him to work

there are no dependents he wasn’t penalised by taking time off