I’m so angry at DH

He likely knows that if he tried to explain how he feels at work, it would be dismissed.

The assumptions being made on this thread based on pure imagination are absolutely wild.

He would and should have bothered to tell her because the alternative is relying on his wife. He has no right to impose this on her without discussion when it’s having a direct impact on her.

If he was single he would probably have thought twice about this and not done it until he had another job lined up.

He can’t have it both ways - say she doesn’t support him with his problems but then force her to support him when he walks out his job.

I remember when I quit a job when I was younger (no kids or partner) and some family members and friends made some digs at me. I told them well they weren’t paying for my rent or bills or food so they could butt out. Plus I had my postgraduate student loan as backup. However this is an entirely different situation.

He is asking, no forcing actualy, his wife to pick up the slack. And it’s not as if he’s saying “sorry I did this @bottletop26 i can understand this puts you in a bad position but something in me just snapped and my mental health is at an all time low. I’ll try my best to get another job asap even if it’s casual Christmas work until I find another permanent job /work in my field ”. (And that’s a generous interpretation of what happened btw, Op hasn’t said he’s depressed or anything).

He is hinting at the idea of not working again and being a “house husband” (with no young kids in the house). I’m sure Op is worried that weeks might turns to months and then so on. You see it on here all the time.

Use the mortgage charter to move the term to as long as possible or go interest only for now to give you some breathing space while he isn’t contributing

If you want people to be able to turn to you, you have to foster an environment where that seems like a good idea and a source of comfort and understanding. If he knew he would be ridiculed and bollocked by her, too, why would he bother?

Has no-one been in a really toxic work environment with a bullying boss? Or tried to get a job aged late 40s/early 50s recently?

Sure I have, went home crying almost every day. But bills had to be paid and kids fed, so I had to stay until I found something else (or got rid of the bully, as I did in that case). You can't just walk out one fine day when you have responsibilities and expect your partner to somehow manage those without any discussion. If he was so miserable, he should have talked to OP first.

Maybe because she hadn't spoken to him yet to discover that actually, not surprisingly, there was a very good reason he did what he did. He was terminally unhappy and hadn't shared that with OP, likely because they just don't have that type of mutually intimate and trusting relationship.

I'd be horrified my partner couldn't turn to me before he left. I'd feel i had really let him down.

"he just doesn’t want to work at 49 anymore."

The last line of op's post.

Nothing op has said then or since has suggested hes being bullied, or its toxic, just that he dislikes his job and working. Boohoo.

He's a man so he should just swallow his feelings and crack on with providing. That seems to be the theme here.

I am surprised by the level of condemnation and blame on this thread.

Has no-one been in a really toxic work environment with a bullying boss? Or tried to get a job aged late 40s/early 50s recently? It is an incredibly tough job market at the moment - especially if you want to stay in your field. Even a student retail gig often requires an assessment afternoon scrutp00inizing your personality for "cultural fit".

This story is about mental health which men are notoriously bad at.

OP - your partner does sound in total denial about his responsibilities.

Can he get a job in Christmas retail to keep the money coming in? For example a food delivery driver? This will take the pressure off. Or even fo Uber?

Could you put a room in your house on Airbnb?

Do you have some friends you can confide in to help?

The aftermath of a horrible work environment and bullying managers shouldn't have to trigger total marital breakdown. I'm not an expert on relationships but there must be a way of standing firm on your household requiring income without stripping out all empathy. Your main anger seems to be that he made this decision to quit unilaterally which isn't great but everyone has a tipping point.

That sounds more positive. I can understand him not wanting the responsibility of a job, especially one he's not happy in.

Fingers ant toes crossed something crops up very soon to get back sharing finances again.

Total green Happyjo, no wonder marriages don't last. First disagreement divorce e and chuck him out is the first thing some say..

Defsit and talk it through thoroughly should be the first step.

Imagine he'd come to you and said - "I really want to quit right now for these reasons, we'll have to cut back X amount of spending which I thought we could do here, here and here." Would you have said, "We can't possibly stop those expenditures or change the lifestyle we have," or would you have said "ok let's look at how we do life on a lower income". I think your husband is really wrong for making this decision without you. However something in my post makes me think that maybe you wouldn't have contemplated a different lifestyle to enable your husband to quit if you'd known, and, if that's true, you are as bad as him.

That does at least sound better for you as a couple than when you started this thread. I don’t think it’s entirely fair to blame you/your contentment for not sharing how unhappy he was, though. The only reason he could snap and walk away was because you are earning a salary and you both have joint savings. However, if you are able to look forward and he is able to find a job which suits him better, then I think that’s okay.

I think not. Otherwise he would have got a new job lined up and resigned properly.

Wow, this is totally selfish, self centred behaviour.
To quit without prior discussion with you about finances & how you'd cope is unbelievable.

I would cut him off from every penny I earned immediately and expect him to sort something so he could continue to oay his shate of the bills. I'd also ring fence 50% of all savings for me.
I woukd be rethinking the relationship because I'd feel used & like you be furious at his thoughtlessness.

Good luck, I suspect you'll need it!

Agree. I would look at my DH in a different light if he decided he couldn't be fucked with going to work anymore at just 49 years old, with NO plan of how he was going to fund it!!!

Hugely unnattractive trait in a man, especially if you come from a family of hard-working industrious men. CBA with slackers and cocklodgers.

How are things going @bottletop26 ?

I agree. ^

What the hell?? Poor you OP! I’d be fuming too! Who retires at 49??? Is he too young to even start drawing his pension? When you’ve calmed down you need to have a serious chat with him. He needs to be paying half of everything and how is he going to do that now? And no he is not allowed to use your precious family shared savings, well, maybe he could use half of them, but he needs to wake up and smell the coffee! He might be burnt out and need a sabbatical but you have to decide stuff like that between you. I hope you are now having some good chats and explaining to him that you aren’t going to just fund his time off. What about coming home and telling him you quit your job too and now you can both stay home and bake cakes together? That would be an excellent prank and might make him understand what he is doing? Hope he does take a new job soon and this is just him blowing of steam and recharging. Good luck!

A stay at home spouse situation needs to be mutually agreed upon. It sounds like financially it's not feasible. You both need to sock away as much as you can for retirement.

Goodness me, @bottletop26 you are so NOT unreasonable! He's a knob. So selfish.

Does he want to put his whole marriage & family in
jeopardy?

Stop doing any housework/cooking etc immediately. If he wants to be a "househusband" let him. And hand over ALL the budgeting to him, so he can see how tight the money is. But do keep spending as you wish - let him sort out the paradox of one partner doing all the worrying.

It sounds as though his "rose coloured glasses" were worn on the back of your worry & anxiety, and mental load.

This! Why the angry approach OP?

Clearly he is going through a tough time, perhaps midlife crisis or similar, and has made a rather quick decision. Obviously he must be going through alot. As a partner it is your duty to acknowledge his feelings and have a conversation with him and find a way forward together.

I understand your reasons for not wanting this situation but shouting and demanding doesn’t get you anywhere.

hope things get better for both of you

I'd want to be absolutely sure he has no mental health problems if I were you. I walked out of a job in a similar way due to complete burnout, and went on to attempt suicide. I seemed fine before I tried to kill myself, and in fact better than I had been in weeks - because I'd decided on a way out. If you were 'solid' before this, why jump to assuming he's a scrounger?

I think there does need to be a conversation, but coming from a place of how it isn't fair for him to unilaterally decide he doesn't want to work, because that puts a strain on you, and would mean your life was all work and no fun.

There may be other ways to deal with this - maybe downsize and/or both go part time and/or him return to a different work with no stress.

I also do not feel anyone should be unhappy in their job, particularly nowadays when workers are paid an absolute pittance.

Your children are adults now, so you have a lot more freedom than you've had before. Life doesn't have to continue in the same way as before, and this could be a catalyst to a better life for both of you.

Or you discover he's an arse and you get divorced and he can piss his own money up the wall, without it affecting you.