DH has fallen out with my DD, because of how she spent her money

I’ve treated my adult kids as a surprise now and then. The only thing I’ve said is, this is for you to spend on you, spend it on perfume, lose it on the horses, I don’t care, it’s yours.

Gifts come with bows, not conditions.

YANBU OP

Your daughter used an inheritance for travel, jewellery, original artwork painted on a sentimental item and a piece of art.

That all sounds very……normal.

Seeing as she already has a fully paid off home, and she was specifically told to ‘use the money for something fun’, what exactly did he think she was going to spend it on?

She would be proud of your daughter , exactly how she was told to spend it.

I don’t actually think any other information is important except …”he has now said he won’t talk to DD…

That’s the only thing which I think needs addressing - it’s totally unacceptable.

He won't talk to DD? Yeah he's a knob. It's absolutely none of his business what your DD did with her inheritance.

She was told to use it for fun

she did

your dh is a muppet.

(my dc in a similar situation bought guitars. Lots of them.)

I would simply point out that your daughter has done exactly what his mother wanted her to do

That it’s likely both the jewellery and the art will increase in value so they are an investment

and he is being incredibly childish in not now speaking to her and needs to grow up

Perhaps she didn’t like any of the cheaper pieces of art?

25 isn’t that young, either. “Told her” seems rather infantilising.

I think it’s lovely she has a sense of the aesthetic and has bought some art and jewellery.

Also, she has been very sensible and balanced. If she’d walked into the first art gallery that she saw and spent all £20,000 on one picture, I would think maybe that is a bit silly.

Getting one’s first flat and imposing one’s own taste on it is a sign of growth and maturity IMO.

Exactly. Perhaps if she was renting and complaining about not being able to afford to get on the property ladder it would be different but it sounds like she's been really thoughtful with her money.

I'd just make sure she's insured the artwork and check she's still saving for a pension and a decent emergency fund and let her crack on. She's had a great start in life and financially has made the most of it.

Ok not quite the point I was making. Emotional abuse of her child? Emotional abuse of his step daughter? Emotional abuse of a woman. You pick.

Your dd has spent some of the money on things that she will have for a long time, and which - you can remind your DH of this in capital letters - will remind her of a kind and generous woman, his mother, every time she sees them, or tells someone the story behind how she came to own them. If he can’t see that as both honouring his mother’s memory and fulfilling her final wishes then he needs to take his blinkers off.

It was her money to spend however she chose. He’s free to do what he wants, but he shouldn’t expect his childish behaviour not to have an impact on his relationships, particularly his relationship with you.

I'd add that the money would have been rightly hers to use in any way she wanted, even if she used it for things most people would consider wasteful. And in that situation, while I would be sympathetic about him having negative feelings about it, that he shouldn't burden her with those feelings. But the fact is most people have agreed that she used the money well, so even less appropriate for him to be snide about it.

It is absolutely none of his business what an adult does with money they have been left. He might have preferred her to put the money in savings, but she didn't want to. It's not like she went on a three week bender is it, she used the money to buy things that she loves.

Your DH needs to get a sense of proportion. He might well be missing his mum, but that is a completely separate issue to what those left money by her have done with it. Would he tell his sister what she should do with any money left to her? His brother? An aunt? Why not?

Yes he is a twat.
A beautiful piece of art gives pleasure every single day and reminds her of the womderful woman whom gifted it to her and thought so much of her.

He sounds like a controlling twat.
I hope she gives him a wide berth.
You need to put him firmly in his place and stand firmly with your daughter on this.
None of his business whatsoever.

He's a twat - I used money from my grandma ( not a huge amount) to buy a painting and a ring. I wore the ring for years ( currently being resized as I've fat old fingers) and it gave me daily joy - soon to be reinstated and the painting is in my lounge and gives me daily pleasure. I certainly do not feel foolish ( I had v limited funds at that time). I wanted something special and specific to remember my grandma by. It is NONE of his business - she's a wise young woman.

she's a 25 year old mortgage-free home owner with at least £20,000 in savings. I don't really know how much more 'sensible' she wants her to be, or how big he wants her rainy day fund to grow to.

I agree art and jewellery chosen after her frontal lobe has fully developed is the right balance fun and serious with consideration to longevity of what she is spending money on.

My friends laughed at me when I chose a crystal decanter for my 21st birthday. I've used it with my adult DD's and still love it. She sounds financially stable and has bought something she will enjoy every time she's at home. She's interpreted the letter, perfectly. If he carries on, it would be a deal breaker for me.

It’s not child abuse if the “child” is 25.

We did 3 things with DH inheritance

1. paid off mortgage and did a couple of bits to the house she has done this
2. put money into Isas and savings she has that
3. spent money on more frivolous things

so yes what she did was fine

but actually it doesn’t matter it was her money her choice and he needs to back down

But if it's still worth it to her in 10,15 50 years, that's what matters. She's bought things she loves, that's an excellent use of money.

Art and jewellery are “forever” things, though - and whenever she looks at the picture or wears the jewellery, she will remember his mum. I think that’s absolutely lovely and, by the sound of it, something that his mum would have liked too (given she said to get something “for her”). Your DH is being rather unkind about this. I could understand his sentiments (notwithstanding the fact that it’s not his money!) if she’d spent it all on makeup and clothes, but I think she’s been really sensible and thoughtful about it.

Does he want her to remember his mum fondly every time she looks at the art, and wears the jewellery, or just remember her stepfather being a colossal twat about it?

He's on the verge of ruining his mother's gift, which would be many times worse than if DD had blown the whole with nothing to show for it.

Art and jewellery are always a good buy.