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AIBU?

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Original poster

To refuse to send my child to private school?

83 replies

libertybonds · 13/10/2025 17:08

My emotionally abusive and status-obsessed ex wants to send our child to private school. Our child is very bright and we live in a nice area with well-regarded state schools.

He has a poor record of keeping a job, so the fees would almost certainly fall to me in time.

He has begun persuading / pressuring our child into wanting to go private, probably as a way of increasing pressure on me and also generally to bring them on side.

AIBU to say no, and stand firm?

I am morally opposed to private school and also I do not want to be stuck with the bill when my ex is sacked again.

OP posts:
confusedlab47 · 13/10/2025 17:21

Well my dc love their private school but under the circumstances you describe I’d absolutely refuse too.

SerendipityDiamond · 13/10/2025 17:18

Speak to the bursar at the prospective school and let them know you would not be paying fees if father cannot.
Schools don’t like asking parents to withdraw pupils due to financial pressure so they would possibly take this into account before offering a place.

Hopewewill · 13/10/2025 17:16

You don't need to pay all that money if you have a decent state school. I went to private, my dc to state. Mine enjoyed school more than me and came out with better results. I'd stand firm.

Original poster
libertybonds · 13/10/2025 17:15

Baital · 13/10/2025 17:13

No, if you have the slightest concern about the fees falling on you. You would be providing him with something to try and control you with.

Unless he can pay for it all upfront, in which case look at all schools available (state and private) and decide which is best for your child. There are benefits to being in a decent state school (and benefits to being in a decent private school!).

Not only do I believe fees would fall on me, I fully expect the dad would pay silly buggers and find some way not to pay any maintenance if he were also paying school fees. He's weirdly obsessed with money and ensuring he provides as little as possible for our child's care.

OP posts:
Didimum · 13/10/2025 17:15

That's be a big no from me. Stand firm. It's incredibly irresponsible to embark on private schooling unless affordability is of no concern at all. Not to mention completely unnecessary – especially in your case.

Baital · 13/10/2025 17:13

No, if you have the slightest concern about the fees falling on you. You would be providing him with something to try and control you with.

Unless he can pay for it all upfront, in which case look at all schools available (state and private) and decide which is best for your child. There are benefits to being in a decent state school (and benefits to being in a decent private school!).

Original poster
libertybonds · 13/10/2025 17:13

Thehop · 13/10/2025 17:10

How old is your child? Can you be honest and explain you're worried how they'd cope having to leave when dad loses his job?

9 years old

Dad has tried to triangulate many times in the past and it really stresses my child out. I try to shield them from any disputes with the dad. Also, I have learned that unfortunately family courts favour abusive dads over protective mums, so I need to be seen to be behaving beyond reproach, and I think talking about dad's employment history could be turned against me.

OP posts:
Thehop · 13/10/2025 17:10

How old is your child? Can you be honest and explain you're worried how they'd cope having to leave when dad loses his job?