To refuse to send my child to private school?

That is what I was going to suggest.

I agree with the PP who said talk to the school in question and explain you have a real concern that he will fail to pay in future as he does not hold onto jobs. And that you cannot pay.

They are not going to offer a place if they know there is a real risk of non payment.

This is a much easier route than court.

Not unreasonable op, he could easily refuse to pay whenever he liked just to screw you over

stand firm

I don’t know what to say really. I’ve had a very difficult ex and it’s torture, I’m coming out the other side now so it doesn’t late forever but I hope you can stay strong. I can’t imagine a judge ordering it but they do seem to favour abusive men!

Sorry if I wasn’t clear. I kind of meant call his bluff. If he knew it was all on him financially, I suspect he’d drop the idea pretty quickly. And no Judge would force you to pay surely.

As for the judgement point, I do kind of judge myself for dropping my morals. But I do a lot of volunteering and charity work (including as a Governor at a very deprived inner city state school) so that helps me sleep at night. Plus I think many parents would drop their morals if their kids were struggling like my daughter was.

I'd hold fast and let your ex take you to court, and let him lose.

If your child was well embedded in their independent school and had just sixth form to go, like @Addictforanex describes, such that it would be horribly disruptive to move them - or if both parents agree that it's the best option for specialist provision for a child's needs like @Adviceplease2022 that's a different kettle of fish - one can see in both those cases that it was in the child's best interests to remain in the private system.

But in your case your child hasn't even started yet.

My ex was like this. Was very very keen to get our DC into Eton/Harrow/the like. I didn't want him to go to boarding at all, on principle. I wanted to raise my own child! It was a deal breaker in mediation, and then when it went to court, he folded. I wasn't going to give in on something so fundamental to a child's upbringing. DC is in a private school, but our CAO has a clause in it recording our understanding that he would pay for it. If you can get a legal order saying that he is on the hook to pay fees, that could be one option.

I agree with others, I would not bring up the moral objection (which I understand, my DP is a (state) school teacher and feels strongly about this), but it won't hold much weight in court. They care about what is in the best interests of the child - not your moral stance on it, or his status consciousness.

call the school(s) he’s interested in and find out (anonymously if you prefer) what contracts have to be signed and by who. I’m sure when my daughter went to a private school nursery both parents had to sign to forms. You can just not sign and that may solve your issue as they won’t accept him if the contracts aren’t signed. Make it very clear you expect there to be financial issues and I suspect they won’t even offer him a place.

He would use it as leverage over you - waiting until the last minute to pay, refuse to pay at times - and since you wouldn't want your child's school life to be disrupted the buck would stop with you. Stand firm!

My child goes to a private school and Im
divorced from her dad. Both of us had to sign a contract to say what % of fees the school would invoice us and then we receive separate invoices. Although that’s probably pretty useless as our contract also says we will pay the other parents fees if they default. So my point is that if Dad really pushes it, you could just say yes but only on condition he contractually agrees to pay all the fees (and you make sure school are aware you won’t be paying anything). Might make him back down??

FWIW, I’m also morally against private education (as is my ex-husband although he has stronger opinions against it than me) but we both agreed it was the best place for our daughter when it became clear her needs couldn’t be met in our local state secondaries (she’s autistic).

I don’t believe any Judge in this land could force private school if you tell them you can’t afford it though. Surely they can’t?!

Many independent schools are selective or have priority entry from prep schools or feeder schools and can be quite over-subscribed. Others can be very average and perform no better than a good state school, and certainly vastly more poorly than a grammar. Not all are created equal.

If you have decent state schools in your area and your finances are not easily able to accommodate poor financial fidelity by your ex, stick with state schools. Just make sure that you are all over the faith school criteria (if you have good faith schools) or have tutors for the 11+, as the best schools, whether state or independent, are almost always highly competitive and oversubscribed.

Agree if he won’t commit to paying the fees throughout the rest of DC school years you are right to be concerned. It’s a lot of unnecessary disruption to move DC in and out of the state / private system because of money.

You can always get it court ordered that he pays the fees as part of a divorce settlement. My DP’s ex-wife got that for their youngest - that they go to a private 6th from and he is now paying 100% of fees even though he disagreed with the school choice.

Agree! Make him go to court over it if he really wants to. He’s the one that will have to pay and apply to court. Stay neutral, just say you can’t afford it should the fees fall to you. I doubt very much that he could be bothered to apply to the court, enlist a solicitor, apply to the school and then do all the admin. Grey rock him as much as possible without saying you actively disagree with private schools (in case it does go to court - don’t want to piss the judge off). The chances of the ex being bothered to do it and winning in court are slim I would say. The ex is likely just trying to find ways in which to punish the OP and he’s fixating on this because he knows she holds opposing views. Narcissists do this, I doubt he really cares what school the child goes to. I would be very casual in my responses to him.

My ex wanted to send our son to private school post divorce.

I pointed out that she had a large lump sum that she had done nothing to earn and this would be more than sufficient.

That shut her up.

But yes, your ex is an idiot, he can put the money up front or shut up.

Would he actually bother doing the administration of setting it all up though? Most men wouldn't have a fucking clue or give a fucking fuck about signing all the forms, ordering the uniforms and setting up the apps to even pay for school meals and trips etc...

Any chance he will just run out of steam once he realises you wont engage with him on this and do all that for him.

If you’re having to play the court game, I wouldn’t say that you are morally opposed to private school. People are weird about perceived criticism of the choices they make for their children and you could easily come across as judgmental.

Your worry about the finances is valid. If your ex can’t show that he already has the means and the security to guarantee that he will pay for your child’s education without disruption. You can cite concerns such as how much more expensive it becomes in secondary, it costs more now because of VAT, you worry about the sustainability of schools because of the VAT, the cost of all the extra curriculars and trips that would be unaffordable, the discrimination from universities against private school children when offering places.

Then list all the benefits of going to state school, locality, friends, community, that savings could be made to help with uni etc.

I'm pretty sure many years ago there was a thread on here from a woman in your situation where her ex was trying to force her to pay private school fees, and it actually did go to court and she won. Does anyone remember it? Let me try and find it.

If he puts the money in an account (one thats a trust or can only be accessed by the for school fees of something) upfront that can gain interest and covers 90% plus of estimated fees - fine

Otherwise he can get lost....

I've got 2 DC in private and there's no way I would send them if I had any serious qualms about affording the fees in future. And it's not just fees, it's all the extras - uniform, trips, and surcharges for all sorts of things from tennis or music lessons to SEN support.

I can't imagine there's a family court that would enforce sending a child to private school over state who isn't already in that school or that system, no matter how biased they are towards an abusive man. It wouldn't be in the child's best interests as it wouldn't be predictable for them long-term.

You could say if he pays the fees in advance (5years minimum to 6th form), then fine. For her security. See if that works. About 20-30k a year, depending on the school.