To refuse to send my child to private school?

But private schools usually have significantly longer holidays than state schools.

You’re right to be careful. I’ve known two people who’ve ended up being forced to pay school fees because the dads won their case to insist the children went private.

Well if he goes ahead and applies then just write to the schools and say you do not agree with the application. It has been made by the father who is not financially secure and you do not recommend that they allocate a place. The will then decline the applications and job done.

two friends who’ve had long fights to rid themselves of similar delightful princes have found it does, eventually, get easier. Although they never stop twisting, the points of decisions lessen over time. I’m hopeful you’ll find this too.

My SiL's ex tried this. She was actually keen on it, until I pointed out it was just another thing to control her with; and that her ex would threaten to stop paying as soon as she stepped out of line. Her DC is very happy in the local state school.

Her share? Why should the OP pay anything towards school fees?

Make him go to court over it.

Then you stand up in court and say you do not believe enrolling in private school is in your child's best interests for the following reasons:

1. You do not have confidence in your ex's ability to pay the school fees and any extras such as school uniform, trips and so on, in the long term.
2. If your ex fails to pay the fees that are due, you will be forced to either withdraw your child from the school, which would be obviously detrimental to their wellbeing, or find the money from somewhere else, which will limit your ability to financially provide for them in other ways.
3. You are concerned that your ex may use the fact that he is paying school fees as a justification for not paying the child maintenance that he legally owes, and to which your child is entitled. He should be providing for your child's basic needs before any optional extras.
4. Assuming the private school is not as local as the local state school, it would be committing you and your child to a longer commute in the mornings and afternoons.
5. You believe your child will benefit more from the stability of being in the local state school, not needing to worry about fees, and having local friends. Your money can then be used to fund other things such as extra-curricular activities, one-to-one tuition where necessary, higher education or a house deposit one day.

There is nothing immoral or unprincipled about using private education, so I would park that and focus on the finances, which are clearly an issue and a very good reason not to go down that route.

I would say that if he can prepay (to the school not kept in an account he has control of) 2 years if fees then you will consider it. Each year he then has to pay a years fees up front (so you always have a buffer of a years already paid with the school if he cant pay for whatever reason)
I would imaginge he will not be able to save enough

If he’s open to putting the first four years fees in trust to pay school fees and you pay your share into the trust over the 8 years of education your child has left, then I think it would be worth thinking hard about. The reality is that the early start late finish of most public schools are often cheaper and more productive and safe/fun, than other childcare alternatives. If you are working full time it would be an excellent way of managing that. Do the maths and see what works best for you.

Clearly YANBU, especially since he doesn’t always have the means to pay.

You could say to him, that’s fine but he needs to sign a waiver which stipulates that the school will look to him for the school fees, and not you. Schools can and do do this.

You sound well shot of him @libertybonds ! Good luck - I’m sure you’ll win on the financial case. I know I had one friend whose ex signed a paper saying eh would never contribute any money to private school fees, you could ask a lawyer about making such a declaration too.

Could you go with:

a) I’m afraid I can’t afford it
b) no I couldn’t possibly let you shoulder the financial burden, it wouldn’t be morally right, I’d feel awful. No no no….

just explain to your child that you can’t afford it, and nor can daddy. Really thrash out how much private school and everything that goes with it costs and say, it’s so nice of daddy to want to be able to afford it but I know he can’t. There is a lovely school you are going to that means daddy will be able to spend his money on other lovely things for you.

that sounds lovely of you.

I think you need to drop all mention of a moral objection to be honest. Your personal beliefs done trump his, and if he can show the school has better facilities or that your child prefers to go there then your on very shaky ground, as an argument it doesn't hold weight, but it also undermines the credibility of your other arguments because it looks like you are using the money as an excuse.

I would say if he wants to go down this route then you want a legal agreement drawn up that your maintenance isn't affected, that he shows that he has funds in place for at least the first two years and it's ring fenced, with a commitment to continue to pay into this account, he will pay additional costs associated with uniform and look after the admissions admin.

I think you'll find if you do that then his desire for this will rapidly fall

Depends what you mean by sitting pretty and a disaster. I could have done without 7 years of fees but the local state school is a shitshow for SEN and my DD16 with AUDHD has done really well in Private. Point is though for OP if there is no SEN and local schools are ok she needs to object on those grounds not moral ones.

I actually think that going down the Moral Objections route makes your case weaker. IF the school was the best option for your child then you should overcome those and a judge may take a dim view of it
However you have valid grounds from a financial persepective so just ignore your Ex

Same - but there is a lot of variation across school areas and options and specific needs and research is always important and pays off.

Same! Best thing we ever did pulling them out of a terrible state school that had zero SEN support and moving them to private. I really am genuinely curious to know in what circumstances State has been better for autistic kids as it’s really not been my experience (or the experience of my mum friends from SEN groups).

That being said, we did TONS of research and made sure the private school we chose had expertise in SEN support. We asked to speak to current SEN parents and we also sent our daughter there for a full trial week before we decided she’d go there permanently.

Well not always @TheaBrandt1 i’ve got two autistic dc doing brilliantly at a private school after a
terrible time in state. The devil is always in the details and the specifics.

but - in op’s shoes I’d fight this horrible and delusional DH on the financial front as pp have said.

Stepping out of the state system with an autistic child is insane. My friend did this. Absolute disaster. My other friend who could also have afforded private kept her autistic son in state and is sitting pretty.

Private school fees should form part of the FO on divorce. My DD16 went private as she needed small class sizes for SEN. I would say don’t do it if you have no requirement for your DC and if your financial position is at all precarious.